Other Titles • The Longest Yard (2005) • Najdlhšia míla
Quotes from The Longest Yard (2005)
1
Cheeseburger Eddy: I knew you couldn't resist my shit! I got the shakes that'll make you quake. I got the fries that'll cross your eyes. I got that burgers that'll... I just got burgers.
(177 votes)
2
[last lines] Deacon Moss: [Deacon and Battle pour Gatorade on Warden Hazen] Good game, sir! Warden Hazen: That's a week in the hotbox! Joey Battle: Who gives a shit!
(165 votes)
3
Brucie: [after being hit hard] I got a bird, his name is Ronnie! Caretaker: Well, tell Ronnie you got knocked the fuck out!
(151 votes)
4
Punky: [after the convicts won the game] We win! Group hug in the shower tonight!... or not. Or not.
(137 votes)
5
[from trailer] Caretaker: Who we gonna *crush*? Football team: The *guards*! Caretaker: Who we gonna *kill*? Football team: The Guards! Caretaker: Who we gonna *kiss*? Brucie: The Guards! [football team looks confused] Caretaker: Gotchya!
(130 votes)
6
Switowski: He broke-ded my nose Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Let me try to fix that. [Crewe fixes his nose] Switowski: How do I look? Caretaker: Much better, like a young Michael Jackson. Switowski: I love little Michael.
(28 votes)
7
Caretaker: [introducing himself to Crewe] Whatever your pleasure, I can facilitate. You need weed, you need meth- hey, you need Prozac, I'm your man. I know how you white boys always deal with that depression. I mean me personally, I don't understand what you white boys are all depressed about. Hey, you're white! Smile!
(19 votes)
8
[from trailer] [to the cops after they've crashed into his car] Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Good news, boys, I didn't spill my beer.
(18 votes)
9
Brucie: [Brucie is about to kick off] Our Savior Jesus, help me do this right and I promise to stop cheating on my wife with black men.
(16 votes)
10
Chris Berman: Whooooop!
(15 votes)
11
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [to the short cop] Now, listen here, Mr. Frodo, don't get short with me.
(14 votes)
12
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Do you play football? Caretaker: I was so bad at sports that when I was in school they would usually pick me after the white kids.
(16 votes)
13
Switowski: Will you teach me to football? Caretaker: I'll teach you football. I'll teach you anything. Just don't eat me.
(14 votes)
14
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [to Caretaker after seeing his half-star violence rating] You're as maniacal as a box of kittens.
(13 votes)
15
Cheeseburger Eddy: [to Megget] Why you bein' a McAsshole?
(11 votes)
16
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: I'm going to tell you something. I did it. I was in debt to a bunch of really bad people. I hated doing it and I've regretted doing it ever since. Now the warden wants me to throw this game or he'll pin Caretaker's murder on me. But, I'll tell you something - I won't do it! Not this time. So, give me your hands, c'mon. Let's win this game and make it worth my spending twenty more years in this place. [team cheers and takes the field] Turley: I'm glad you're back. Now I don't have to stab you.
(15 votes)
17
Ms. Tucker: [to Brucie] You wish I'd kiss you 'cos your breath smells like eight cans of shark shit.
(11 votes)
18
Caretaker: Look in your toilet, I left you a surprise. Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You took a shit in my toilet? Caretaker: No, that's what I left in Brucey's toilet.
(11 votes)
19
Big Ears Cop: ...shit happens. Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Shit does happen. I mean, look what happened to your ears.
(10 votes)
20
Caretaker: That boy's got slave feet.
(11 votes)
21
Guard Dunham: Does the n-word offend you... nigger? Earl Megget: No, sir.
(11 votes)
22
Switowski: I'm sorry... I brokeded your toy. Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Oh, no, it's a good thing! Switowski: Really? Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yeah, you should share a celebration hug with Caretaker. Caretaker: [lifts Caretaker in bear-hug and spins around laughing] Caretaker: [to Paul] Asshole!
(9 votes)
23
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [as he's calling a play] Battle, you're a psycho! Tony, you're a fat shit! Hut!
(9 votes)
24
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [after being pulled over by cops] Here, you can finish this beer for me... I've got five more!
(8 votes)
25
Brucie: How come I cant be kicker? I was all state! Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: All right let's see what you got. Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [kicks a bad kick] that's why you dumbass.
(8 votes)
26
Guard Engleheart: If you have to cry, it's okay. I'll cry with you.
(8 votes)
27
Baby Face Bob: [After the game, to Chris Berman] Remember Chris, criminals are people too... [suddenly appears aggressive] Baby Face Bob: Now give me your wallet! Chris Berman: [Backs down a little and looks frightened] Baby Face Bob: [Laughs] Just kidding.
(8 votes)
28
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [after being in a car crash] Good news, guys, I didn't spill my beer!
(8 votes)
29
Guard Dunham: [rock music on in locker room acting like he's playing a guitar] This is how a white man plays a guitar.
(7 votes)
30
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [drinking a toast with Caretaker] Here's to the first friend I've had in I-don't-know-how-long Switowski: I thought I was your friend, Paul. Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You are my friend, Switowski. Just finish your comic book and go to sleep. Switowski: OK.
(7 votes)
31
Punky: [after Nate Scarborough decides to enter the game] You can do it! Get that old ass of yours in the endzone! We gotta win this game!
(7 votes)
32
Captain Knauer: Crewe! I'll see you on the field. [bangs his head on a locker] Coach Nate Scarborough: [to Crewe] I think he's in love with you.
(7 votes)
33
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [to Caretaker] Hey, let's have a maniacal pillow fight tonight! That should boost your rating! Skitchy Rivers: Yeah, and we can sell it to Pay-Per-View - Superstar vs. Half-a-Star.
(7 votes)
34
Unger: It's gonna flow like the ancient rivers of Babylon! Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: That's good news.
(6 votes)
35
Cheeseburger Eddy: You gotta protect your McNuggets!
(6 votes)
36
Guard Lambert: [after walking in the Inmate locker room] Everybody stand for the Warden! [Warden Hazen looks disgusted at how fat Big Tony is] Warden Hazen: Anthony, wow, you can sit down.
(6 votes)
37
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [on TV after he crashes his girlfriend's car] Hey, Lena, I think we should start seeing other people! Walt: [watching on TV with Lena] I think I'm in love.
(7 votes)
38
Caretaker: He could catch a cold in the desert.
(7 votes)
39
[after Crewe decides to come back to the game] Turley: I'm glad you're back, now I don't have to stab you.
(5 votes)
40
Caretaker: [watching one of the players run for a touchdown] Run, Forrest, run!
(5 votes)
41
Deacon Moss: This is baby-back bullshit!
(5 votes)
42
[after inmates score touchdown on trick play] Guard Lambert: Is that legal? Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yes, it is. Guard Lambert: Is that a touchdown? Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yes, it is. Guard Lambert: Oh, goddamn it!
(5 votes)
43
Big Tony: [reading sign] Foot... ball... tree... outs. What the hell's a tree-out? Brucie: It's try-out, you half a meatball.
(5 votes)
44
Walt: What happened? Lena: He locked me in the closet and left me to die. Walt: [gasps] He's deranged!
(5 votes)
45
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You play football? Caretaker: Me? No, I was so bad I was picked after the white kids. Guys would look at me and say, "Damn, we picked the only nigger can't play."
(5 votes)
46
Caretaker: We didn't get the whole chocolate bar, but we did get a Hershey kiss.
(5 votes)
47
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: I will be your coach, your captain, your quarterback... Brucie: You haven't played in years! Why can't I be quarterback? Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You're right; let's see what you got. [throws ball to Brucie] Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Hit me; I'm open! Brucie: [throws wild pass] Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: That's why, now sit down and shut up.
(5 votes)
48
Switowski: I thought I was your friend, Paul. Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You are my friend, Switowski, just, finish your coloring book and go to sleep. Switowski: OK.
(5 votes)
49
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: I think Papajohn's their safety. Turley: [smiles, nods] I'll play!
(5 votes)
50
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [to Turley] People have said that we look alike, so I just wanted to see for myself. [Turley roars very loudly] Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: I'm gonna go take a piss.
(5 votes)
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