Quotes from Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)
1
Bill: My daughter's right in the middle, which is where you want them to be I think. She's friends with the popular kids, she's friends with the unpopular kids, which is cool, until they bring home one of their friends that you don't see eye to eye with. Like, the other day she brought home a friend who's into this goth stuff. Oh my God! Have you seen these little freaks? What happened! With the black nail polish, black lipstick, black eyeliner, black hair, and Liquid Paper-white face. I'm sorry, didn't we used to call that "Halloween"? She came to the door with my daughter, and I did this: [Bill cracks up laughing and points] Bill: But, I'm trying to be nice to her because she's my daughter's friend. My daughter says, "Daddy, this is my friend Lucy." I said, "Well, hey Lucy... fer! She looked at me like, "I will set you ablaze right now."
(38 votes)
2
Bill Engvall: My litle girl is 16. She's at that age where she's in her room listening to her stereo, online with her friends, and boys are starting to call. Oh, my God. We had a kid call the house at 2 in the morning. I lost it. First off, I'm sound asleep in la-la land with Shania Twain in the mountains somewhere. I hear a phone ring and I'm like, "Who's got a phone in the mountains?" So when I realized it's my phone, I'm already ticked off. I went, "Hello!" And this little voice goes, "Is Emily there?" And I go, "Dude, if you have a brain in your skull you will hang up this phone up right now!" And my wife goes, "Bill, you gotta be nice." I said, "No, ma'am, nice stops at midnight." She said, "What will you do when these little boys come over?" I said, "I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm gonna pull the young man in tight next to me so only he and I can hear the conversation. I'm gonna whisper in his ear. I'm gonna say, "Boy, look at me. You see that little girl there? That's my only little girl. She's my life. So if you have any thought about hugging or kissing, you remember these words: I got no problem going back to prison."
(31 votes)
3
Ron White: I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now, when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, "Bye everyone, I gotta go!" Six bouncers picked me up and hurled me out of that bar like I was a Frisbee. Those big old New York bouncers that think about bouncing. They hang out with other bouncers, talking about bouncing. They go home at night and watch Road House and fondle themselves. For wearing a hat. I walk into a bar and the bouncer comes over to me, real pissy, and goes, "Take off the hat!" I'm like, "What's the deal?" He goes, "I'll tell you what the deal is. Gay people in this area wear hats; we're tryin' to keep them out of our club!" Oh really? The only way we can tell down in Texas is if they have their hair cut like, yours. And he got all pissed. Anyway, I took off the hat, and he walked away. About an hour later, I was drinking and I forgot. Ever forget? It happened to me. I put the hat on, and he comes back over. Now, I'm between six-one and six-six depending on which convenience store I'm leaving. I weigh two hundred and thirty pounds, and this guy comes over, poking me in the shoulder. He says, "You're outta here!" and I said, "I don't think so, Scooter!" And I was wrong. They hurled me out of that bar. And then they squared off with me in the parking lot, and I backed down from the fight, cause I don't know how many of them it would have taken to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use. That's a handy little piece of information, right there. The police got called because we broke a chair on the way out, and I refused to pay for it. I refused to pay for it cause *we* broke it over *my* thigh. And at that point, I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability. The cop was like, "Mr. White, you are being charged with drunk in public-KA!" I was like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I was drunk in a bar! They, threw me into public-KA! I don't want to be drunk in public! I wanna be drunk in a bar, which is perfectly legal! Arrest them!" He didn't arrest them, instead he had me do a field sobriety check, where you stand on one foot, raise the other foot six inches off the ground, and count to thirty. I made it to "woo!" Is that going to be close enough? It wasn't, so they called in for my arrest record. There's some good news! Satellites are linking up in outer space. Computer banks at NASA are kicking on. There's a telegraph in Fritch, Texas, going: beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. [Takes breath] Ron White: Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. This part takes a while. Brrrrinnnng! Shorthand. [pause] Ron White: Beep. Now, I told you that story, to tell you this story. When I was seventeen, I was arrested for being drunk in... public. Jeff Foxworthy: Kinda seems to be a pattern there, Ron. Ron White: If you knew Morse code, you'd know that already. And one DWI, which was a bogus charge, cause it turns out they were stopping every driver, traveling down that particular sidewalk. And that's profiling. And profiling is wrong! The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases. [Confused, stupid look] Ron White: And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" " Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?" Ya caught me! Ya caught the tater!
(26 votes)
4
[Bill's joke scene. Bill is told by Jeff that he must tell Here's Your Sign jokes] Bill Engvall: All right, all right. Last year I had a chance to go elk hunting. I got me a nice one, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, "Did you shoot that thing?" [Bill laughs] Bill Engvall: I said, "Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign." Ron White: Hey Bill, tell the one when we were in Buffalo. You know, the one where we were doing that show in Buffalo and you lost your... Bill Engvall: Oh God. We were doing a show in Buffalo, New York. And we land at the airport, and we go down to get our luggage, and mine didn't show up, which I know happens. So we go down to the lost luggage, where everyone is in *such a good mood!* Who applies for that job? Who says, I want to work in lost luggage? You don't have a good day! It's like a job emptying porta-potties, you're just gonna catch crap all day long! Jeff Foxworthy: That is beautiful, did you just make that up? Bill Engvall: Yeah. I like to use analogies in my show. [Larry has a confused look on his face. Bill leans over and stage whispers] Bill Engvall: That's where they compare things... [Cast and audience crack up. Larry gives his look for a moment again, while Jeff and Bill exchange a high five] Bill Engvall: So, anyway. I'm trying to be nice to this woman in lost luggage, and I say, "Excuse me!" And she goes, "Can I help you?" I said, "Yes ma'am. You lost my luggage." She looks me right in the eye, and goes, "Has your plane landed yet?" [Bill gives look to the audience, while Jeff and Ron raise their hands to calm audience down] Bill Engvall: I said, "No princess! I'm having an out-of-body experience! I'm just checking on them!" Here's your sign! Jeff Foxworthy: I hate to stop you, cause I know you have so many good ones, but I've got one for you. This happened to me last week. We're in the process of remodeling our house; we've been doing it for a while now. And we have the painters in, putting sheets up around the furniture, you know? And we have a piano, just a regular, up against the wall piano. One of the painters said to me, "Is that y'all's piano?" [audience cracks up] Jeff Foxworthy: I said, "Nah, that's our coffee table, it just has buckteeth!" Here's your sign! Larry The Cable Guy: [very sarcastically] All right, let me try one of these "Bill Engvall Here's Your Sign ders." [Bill gives look to Jeff, cause it's his fault] Jeff Foxworthy: I'm sorry! I did not mean to start this up... Larry The Cable Guy: No, you knew this! Your next album will go "Aluminum!" [Larry grabs Bill behind his neck and shakes him for a minute] Larry The Cable Guy: My grandma, is uh, covered in moles. [cast and audience crack up; see earlier joke in show] Larry The Cable Guy: No. My grandma, just re'nly passed away. Hundred and four years old. S'right, but they saved the baby. Bill Engvall: I don't think he's kidding! [Jeff and Ron also shake their heads] Larry The Cable Guy: No, my grandma just recently passed away. Hundred and four years old. So, I go up there to the flow'r feller, to get a card, and some flow'rs. Jeff Foxworthy: Wait, wait. You bought a card, for your dead grandmother? Larry The Cable Guy: They had 'em there. Jeff Foxworthy: I know I'm going to regret this. What did it say? Larry The Cable Guy: Get well soon! [Audience cheers] Larry The Cable Guy: Anyway, I go to the flow'r feller, and get her flow'rs, and a card. And he asks me what this is for. And I tell him my grandma just passed away, hundred and four years old. And he says, "Ooh, a hundred and four? How'd she die?" How'd she die; she's a hundred and four! She wrecked her Harley up there at BikeWeek! Here's your sign! [audience cheers and claps] Ron White: Hey Bill, I've got one. My son, Tater Tot, is covered with moles. No, my son, when he was six years old, was going to fly by himself from Dallas to Austin, to spend a week with his grandparents. I'm putting him on the plane; his grandmother is going to take him off the plane. And the woman who I was buying the ticket from asks, "Is there going to be anyone in Austin to pick him up when he gets off the plane?" [Ron takes his mike and hits himself in the back of the head, in a "duh" gesture] Ron White: Nope, I'm gonna pin a twenty dollar bill to his collar and wish him the best of luck! Here's your sign! Jeff Foxworthy: [after audience stops cheering and clapping] Bill, what do you say you try one? Bill Engvall: Yeah, let me give it a shot! The other, a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there's just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I'm all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, "Car break down?" I said, "Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!" Here's your sign! I was in the store the other day, and I'm buying some new pants. I put the pants on the counter to buy them, and the little girl behind the counter goes, "Are you gonna buy those?" I said, "Nope, gonna steal them! I just wanted you to see them before I walked out with them." Here's your sign! Larry The Cable Guy: Hey, tell 'em about the one you did over at the whatcha-callit. Jeff Foxworthy: [pause] Yeah, Bill. Tell 'em about the one you did over at the whatcha-callit. Ron White: He just ended a sentence in nine prepositions. Larry The Cable Guy: I don't know about all that, but... [Bill cracks up laughing] Bill Engvall: I know the one you're talking about, all right. I was walking out of the mall, to my car. The car next to me, a guy was standing with a coat hanger in his window, and I *could not stop myself.* I said, "Ya lock your keys in your car?" No! He turns around and looks at me and says, "Nope, just washed it. Gonna hang it up to dry!"
(26 votes)
5
Ron White: So I flew in here to Phoenix from Flagstaff because my manager doesn't own a globe. He chartered one of those small private jets. I flew here on a plane this big, it was like a pack of gum with eight people in it.We were putzing along. We were going half the speed of *smell!* We got passed by a kite! There was a goose behind us and the pilot was yelling "Go around!" So about halfway through the trip, we start losing oil pressure in one of the engines, and the pilot says we have to turn around. It was a nine minute flight.Couldn't make it with that equipment. He came over the intercom and said "Hey, we're losing oil pressure in one of the engines," which I couldn't understand why he did, because he could have just turned around and said, "Hey, we're losing oil pressure." *"heard'ja"* Everyone else started freaking out, but I had been drinking since lunchtime, so I was like "Take it down! I don't care! Make sure y you hit something hard, 'cause I don't want to limp away from this!" The guy next to me is *losing his mind*. I guess he must have had something to "live for". He says, "Hey man, if one of the engines goes out, how far will the other one take us?" I look at him. "All the way to the scene of the crash! Which is pretty lucky, because that's where we're headed! I bet we beat the paramedics by a good half hour! We're haulin' ass!"
(23 votes)
6
Larry The Cable Guy: Hey, Bill, tell 'em about the one you done did over there in whatcha callit Jeff: Yeah, Bill, tell them about the one you done did over in that deal there.
7
Ron White: I got in last night, and some guys wanted to take me to a topless bar. I didn't want to go, [audience cracks up] Ron White: but I ended up going, cause you guys will back me up on this, you've seen one woman nekid... you wanna see the rest of them nekid! It can be an old biker chick, you know, they're gonna hang down to here. 'Wanna see me nekid?' Yeah, I do! [Waits a few seconds] Ron White: All right, roll 'em back up now! I've seen enough. [Ron does pantomime of rolling her breasts up like rolling a cigarette] Ron White: Things that make you go buhhhh! [Ron shudders]
8
Larry The Cable Guy: Her horse got a broken leg and I had to shoot it. So now it's got a broken leg and a gunshot wound. [pause] Larry The Cable Guy: I don't know what you shoot it for. I guess it helps the healing process. If it ain't better tomorrow, I'm gonna shoot it again, I'll tell you that right now.
9
Ron White: In Texas we have the death penalty, and WE USE IT! [audience cheers] Ron White: That's right! If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back! That's our policy!
10
[his definition of redneck] Jeff Foxworthy: A glorious absence of sophistication. It can be full-time or part-time, but we're all guilty of it at some time or another. And if you're not guilty of it, then you have relatives who are.
11
Jeff Foxworthy: If you think a 401k is your mother-in-law's bra size, you might be a redneck.
12
Jeff Foxworthy: If you have a full set of salad bowls and they all say "cool whip" on the side, you might be a redneck.
13
Jeff Foxworthy: If you work without a shirt on and so does your husband, you might be a redneck.
14
Jeff: If you think "Silence Of The Lambs" is what happens when Larry goes out to the barn, you might be a redneck.
15
Bill Engvall: She's got a little friend who's into goth stuff. Oh, my God. Have you seen these little freaks? What happened? The black nail polish, black lipstick, black eyeliner, black hair, Liquid-Paper-white face. I'm sorry. Didn't we used to call that Halloween? They walked in the front door, an I looked at that little girl anf just went: "Ha, ha, ha, ha" I'm trying to be nice, and my daughter said, "Daddy, this is my friend Lucy." And I said, "Hey Luci... fer." She looked at me like, "I will set you ablaze right now."
16
Ron White: I didn't even know they made a 28-button suit.
17
Ron White: I guess we'd been floating down that river for an hour befor I realizes everybody's just peeing on themselves. And I thougt: "Hell, I'll just pee on myself." Everybody got mad at me. Course, I was in a canoe. Standing up too. Not everybody got mad. A couple people viewed it as a photo opportunity. And I know that cause I got their Christmas card last year. I don't remember it being thast cold that afternoon.
18
Larry The Cable Guy: Nothing says, "Happy anniversary, sweetheart" like rubber dog turds.
19
Bill Engvall: My wife collects twist-ties. Welcome to my world.
20
Bill Engvall: I got a great family. I got a 16-year-old daughter who just got her driver's license. So drop to your knees and thank the good Lord above that you live here and not where we live. She is without a doubt the worst driver on the planet. She's got no depth perception at all. We come up to this intersection. There's a car stopped. I'm like, "He stopped. He stopped! He stopped!" She goes, "I can see that." I'm like, "Oh, my God, she's her mother!" The other day, my neighbor asked, "When did you put the CD boom box in your car?" I said, "What?" He goes, "I saw you and your daughter driving down the street, and I heard this - [makes a thumping noise] Bill Engvall: " I said, "That was me stomping on the imaginary brake on my side of the car.
21
Bill Engvall: God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths. I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: "When you gonna wear these for me?" She goes, "I can't. They're your daughter's." "Aaaaaaahhhhhh! No, No, No!" There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.
22
Bill Engvall: My son developed this really bad habit. He would come to my side of the bed and he'd get that close to my face. And just stare at me. You ever get that feeling when you know you're being watched? He's be like: "Dad... Dad... Da-" "What? What? What?" He starts crying. My wife goes, "You scared him!" I'm like, "Hell, he scared me! Jesus, put a bell round his neck!"
23
Bill Engvall: I took my family on an RV trip last summer. I thought RV stood for "recreational vehicle." No. It stands for "ruins vacations." I had never driven one of these things. Dear God, It's 35 feet long, 8 feet wide, and got 2 mirrors that stick out 3 feet on each side. Good Lord, I was like a passenger trying to land a 747. I'm weaving all over the road. I'm getting flipped off by kids in car seats, all right? Don't know why they put a reverse on these dumb things. I never learned to back it up. If I pulled into a Quickie Mart too far past the pump to get gas there was no backing up. It was, go all the way around the block and try again. Thank God I wasn't the only one. Sometimes there would be 7 or 8 of us just circling that Quickie Mart just like a white trash road race.
24
Jeff: If you think "fast food" is hitting a deer at 65 miles an hour, you might be a redneck.
25
Jeff Foxworthy: If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.
26
Bill Engvall: I know my daughter's sixteen, and she's sitting in her room, on the computer, listening to music, and little boys are calling, oh my God. We had a kid call the house at *two* in the *morning.* Oh yeah, I lost it. First of all, I'm in La-La Land with Shania Twain up in the mountains somewhere. I hear a phone ring, and I'm like, 'Who's got a phone up in the mountains!' Finally I realized it was my phone, so I'm already ticked, and I go, 'Hello!' And this little boy goes, "Uh, is Emily there?" 'Dude! If you've got a brain in your skull, you will hang up this phone right now!' My wife goes, 'Bill! You gotta be nice!' No ma'am! Nice stops at midnight! She goes, 'what are you gonna do when these boys come over to our house?' Oh, I'll tell you what I'll do! I'll pull the young lad in close, so only he and I can hear the conversation. And I'll say, 'Look at me boy! Look at me! You see that little girl, over there? She's my only little girl, man. She's *my life.* So, if you have any thoughts, about hugging, or kissing, you remember these words: I've got no problem going back to prison!'
27
Ron White: Yesterday I'm sitting in a bean bag chair, naked and eating Cheetos. [pauses while audience cracks up] Ron White: I was flipping through the television, and I saw Robert Tilton, he's a televanglist from Dallas, and he said this: He said, 'Are you lonely?' [Ron shrugs] Ron White: ...Yeah. He said, "Have you wasted half your life in bars, pursing sins of the flesh?" [Ron takes drink of scotch] Ron White: This guy's good! "Are you sitting in a bean bag chair, naked, eating Cheetos!" Ron White: [Ron dead stops, face frozen] *Yes, sir!* "Do you feel the urge to get up and send me a thousand dollars?" Close! I thought he was talking about me there for a second.
28
Larry The Cable Guy: I had a rough night. I had a dream that I drank the world's biggest margarita, and I woke up - there was salt around the toilet bowl. That's not good right there. Thank goodness I didn't eat the worm at the bottom, I'll tell you that right now.
29
Larry The Cable Guy: You know what they got now? Edible undershorts? Whose idea was that? "What do you wanna do tonight, baby?" "Let me eat your undershorts." HEY BABY, PUT A COUPLE OF THOSE IN THE FRIDGE, I-MA MAKE ME A SAMMICH LATER!"
30
Larry The Cable Guy: Is that a remote control fart machine? Wow... Jeff: This man has enough money to buy anything in this mall, and he gets the remote controlled fart. [starts to cry] Jeff: I'm so proud!
31
Jeff Foxworthy: Men, if you have a wife, a girlfriend, or a daughter, you are being trained. And just cause they aren't doing it with a cattle prod does not mean it isn't working. I'll tell you when I first realized I was being trained. I've been married to a wonderful woman for seventeen years; it was about year five when I realized it. We were lying in bed reading, when she just says, "I'm hot." And I closed *my* book. Got out of bed. Went over to the wall, and turned the ceiling fan. I got about halfway back before, whoa! [bewildered expression on Jeff's face] Jeff Foxworthy: I wasn't hot! And you know, the next day, my wife was like, "Momma, it is working so well! I just had to say it, and he got up and turned the ceiling fan on for me!" And her mother was like, "Baby, I'm so proud of you! I'd put your daddy on the phone so you can tell him, but I just said I'm hungry about twenty minutes ago, and he went into town to get me something to eat!"
32
Ron White: Other state's are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane
33
[repeated line] Larry The Cable Guy: Git 'R Done!
34
Jeff: If you think N'Sync is where your dirty dishes are, you might be a redneck.
35
Jeff: If you missed fifth grade graduation because you had jury duty, you might be a redneck.
36
Jeff Foxworthy: [during Jeff's "You Might Be a Redneck"] If you have ever ridden an electric floor buffer... Bill Engvall: [raising his hand, embarrassed] All right, wait, wait, WAIT! Tequila was involved, GET OFF ME! Jeff Foxworthy: [turning to Ron White] I wonder how many times his wife has said that! [high fives from Ron and Larry the Cable Guy]
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