Will: Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.? That's a tough one, but I'll give it a shot. Say I'm working at N.S.A. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can break. So I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East. Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hiding and fifteen hundred people I never had a problem with get killed. Now the politicians are sayin', "Send in the marines to secure the area" 'cause they don't give a shit. It won't be their kid over there, gettin' shot. Just like it wasn't them when their number was called, 'cause they were pullin' a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some guy from Southie takin' shrapnel in the ass. And he comes home to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, 'cause he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile my buddy from Southie realizes the only reason he was over there was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And of course the oil companies used the skirmish to scare up oil prices so they could turn a quick buck. A cute little ancillary benefit for them but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. And naturally they're takin' their sweet time bringin' the oil back, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and play slalom with the icebergs, and it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So my buddy's out of work and he can't afford to drive, so he's got to walk to the job interviews, which sucks 'cause the shrapnel in his ass is givin' him chronic hemorrhoids. And meanwhile he's starvin' 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat the only blue plate special they're servin' is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State. So what do I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. Why not just shoot my buddy, take his job and give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president.
(27 votes)
2
Lambeau: Sometimes I wish I had never met you. Because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there.
(23 votes)
3
Sean: You're not perfect sport, and let me save you the suspense, this girl you've met she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other.
(18 votes)
4
Will: So, when did you know, like, that she was the one for you? Sean: October 21st, 1975. Will: Jesus Christ. You know the fuckin' date? Sean: Oh yeah. Cus' it was game six of the World Series. Biggest game in Red Sox history. Will: Yeah, sure. Sean: My friends and I had, you know, slept out on the sidewalk all night to get tickets. Will: You got tickets? Sean: Yep. Day of the game. I was sittin' in a bar, waitin' for the game to start, and in walks this girl. Oh it was an amazing game, though. You know, bottom of the 8th Carbo ties it up at a 6-6. It went to 12. Bottom of the 12th, in stepped Carlton Fisk. Old Pudge. Steps up to the plate, you know, and he's got that weird stance. Will: Yeah, yeah. Sean: And BAM! He clocks it. High fly ball down the left field line! Thirty-five thousand people, on their feet, yellin' at the ball, but that's not because of Fisk. He's wavin' at the ball like a madman. Will: Yeah, I've seen... Sean: He's going, "Get over! Get over! Get OVER!" And then it HITS the foul pole. OH, he goes apeshit, and 35,000 fans, you know, they charge the field, you know? Will: Yeah, and he's fuckin' bowlin' police out of the way! Sean: Goin', "God! Get out of the way! Get 'em away!" Banging people... Will: I can't fuckin' believe you had tickets to that fuckin' game! Sean: Yeah! Will: Did you rush the field? Sean: No, I didn't rush the fuckin' field, I wasn't there. Will: What? Sean: No - I was in a bar havin' a drink with my future wife. Will: You missed Pudge Fisk's homerun? Sean: Oh yeah. Will: To have a fuckin' drink with some lady you never met? Sean: Yeah, but you shoulda seen her. She was a stunner.
(20 votes)
5
Sean: Thought about what you said to me the other day, about my painting. Stayed up half the night thinking about it. Something occurred to me... fell into a deep peaceful sleep, and haven't thought about you since. Do you know what occurred to me? Will: No. Sean: You're just a kid, you don't have the faintest idea what you're talkin' about. Will: Why thank you. Sean: It's all right. You've never been out of Boston. Will: Nope. Sean: So if I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientations, the whole works, right? But I'll bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling; seen that. If I ask you about women, you'd probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a tough kid. And I'd ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right, "once more unto the breach dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you... I don't see an intelligent, confident man... I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you're a genius Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine, and you ripped my fucking life apart. You're an orphan right? [Will nods] Sean: You think I know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who you are, because I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you? Personally... I don't give a shit about all that, because you know what, I can't learn anything from you, I can't read in some fuckin' book. Unless you want to talk about you, who you are. Then I'm fascinated. I'm in. But you don't want to do that do you sport? You're terrified of what you might say. Your move, chief.
[last lines] [he reads a note from Will: "Sean, if the Professor calls about that job, just tell him, sorry, I have to go see about a girl."] Sean: Son of a bitch... He stole my line.
(4 votes)
8
Sean: Do you have a soul mate? Will: Define that. Sean: Someone you can relate to, someone who opens things up for you. Will: Sure, I got plenty. Sean: Well, name them. Will: Shakespeare, Nietzsche, Frost, O'Conner... Sean: Well that's great. They're all dead. Will: Not to me, they're not. Sean: You can't have a lot of dialogue with them. Will: Not without a heater and some serious smelling salts.
(2 votes)
9
Will: You wasted $150,000 on an education you coulda got for a buck fifty in late charges at the public library.
(2 votes)
10
Will: Do you find it hard to hide the fact that you're gay? Henry Lipkin, Psychologist: [Stammers] What are... talking... about... What? Will: Look buddy, a few seconds ago you were ready to give me a jump! Henry Lipkin, Psychologist: A jump? I... I'm terribly sorry... I... Will: Hey, I don't have a problem with it. I don't care if you putt from the rough!
(2 votes)
11
Henry Lipkin, Psychologist: Now no more shenanigans, no more tomfoolery, no more ballyhoo.
(2 votes)
12
Skylar: What is your obsession with this money? My father died when I was 13 and I inherited this money. You don't think that every day I wake up and wish I could give it back? That I would give it back in a second if I could have one more day with him? But I can't, and that's my life and I deal with it. So don't put your shit on me when you're the one that's afraid. Will: I'm afraid? What am I afraid of? What the fuck am I afraid of? Skylar: You're afraid of me! You're afraid that I won't love you back! Fuck it, I wanna give it a shot! At least I'm honest with you.
(3 votes)
13
Morgan: Double Burger, [singing] Morgan: Chuck, I had a double burger! Chuckie: Will you shut the fuck up, I know what you ordered, I was there Morgan: So give me my fucking sandwich. Chuckie: What do you mean your sandwich, I bought it, hey Morgan how much money you got on you? Morgan: I said I'd give you the change when we ordered the Sno-Cones when we pulled up, so why don't you give me my sandwich and stop being a prick. Chuckie: Well why don't you give me your fucking sixteen cents you got on you and we'll put your sandwich on layaway, there you go, keep it right up here for you, We'll put you on a program, everyday you bring your six cents and at the end of the week you'll have your sandwich Morgan: Why do you have to be such an asshole? Chuckie: What am I?, sandwich welfare? I think you should establish a good line of credit, like how you got your couch, payment plans, remember how your mother brought in $10 for a year and she finally got her couch Rent- A-Center Style? Morgan: Can I have my food now please? Chuckie: [throws the burger at Morgan] Here's your fucking double burger!
(3 votes)
14
Morgan: I swallowed a bug.
(2 votes)
15
Will: You know, I was on this plane once. And I'm sittin' there and the captain comes on and he does his whole, "We'll be cruising at 35,000 feet," then he puts the mike down but he forgets to turn it off. Then he turns to the copilot and goes, "You know, all I could go for right now is a fuckin' blow job and a cup of coffee." So the stewardess fuckin' goes bombin' up from the back of the plane to tell him the mic's still on, and this guy behind me goes, "Hey hon, don't forget the coffee!"
(1 vote)
16
Will: I read your book last night. Sean: So you're the one.
17
Skylar: My father died when I was thirteen and I inherited this money. Did you ever think that everyday I wake up, that I wish I could give it back, that I would give it back in a second, if it meant I could have one more day with him? But I can't. And that's my life and I deal with it.
18
Will: Fuck you. Sean: [reacting to "fuck ewe"] You're the shepherd.
19
Sean: Look, if you're gonna jerk off, why don't you do it at home with a moist towel?
20
Will: Do you play the piano? Skylar: A bit. Will: Okay, when you look at a piano you see Mozart, right? Skylar: I see "Chopsticks."
21
Will: Beethoven, okay. He looked at a piano, and it just made sense to him. He could just play. Skylar: So what are you saying? You play the piano? Will: No, not a lick. I mean, I look at a piano, I see a bunch of keys, three pedals, and a box of wood. But Beethoven, Mozart, they saw it, they could just play. I couldn't paint you a picture, I probably can't hit the ball out of Fenway, and I can't play the piano. Skylar: But you can do my o-chem paper in under an hour. Will: Right. Well, I mean when it came to stuff like that... I could always just play.
22
Will: Does this violate the doctor-patient relationship? Sean: Not unless you grab my ass.
23
Will: See, the sad thing about a guy like you is in 50 years you're gonna staht doin some thinkin on your own and you're gonna come up with the fact that there are two certaintees in life. One, don't do that. And Two, you dropped a hundred and fifty grand on a fuckin education you coulda got for a dollah fifty in late chahges at the public library
24
Will: I don't care if Helen of Troy walks in the room, that's game six! Sean: Oh, Helen of Troy... Will: Oh my God, and who are these fuckin' friends of yours they let you get away with that? Sean: Oh... They had to. Will: W-w-w-what'd you say to them? Sean: I just slid my ticket across the table and I said, "Sorry guys, I gotta see about a girl." Will: I gotta go see about a girl? Sean: Yeah. Will: That's what you said? And they let you get away with that? Sean: Oh yeah. They saw in my eyes that I meant it. Will: You're kiddin' me. Sean: No, I'm not kiddin' you, Will. That's why I'm not talkin' right now about some girl I saw at a bar twenty years ago and how I always regretted not going over and talking to her. I don't regret the 18 years I was married to Nancy. I don't regret the six years I had to give up counseling when she got sick. And I don't regret the last years when she got really sick. And I sure as hell don't regret missin' the damn game. That's regret. [pause] Will: Wow... Woulda been nice to catch that game, though. Sean: I didn't know Pudge was gonna hit a homer.
25
Chuckie: Wait, Bill. Hold it. Did you hear that? [Man moans upstairs] Chuckie: Morgan! If you're watching pornos in my mom's room again, I'm gonna give you a fucking beating! [Morgan runs downstairs] Morgan: What's up fellas? Billy: Morgan, why don't you jerk off in your own fucking house. Man, that's fucking filthy. Morgan: I ain't got a VCR in my house. Chuckie: Aw, c'mon, not on my glove. Morgan: I didn't use the glove. Chuckie: That's my Little League glove. Morgan: What do you want me to do? Chuckie: I mean, what's wrong with you? You'll hump a baseball glove? Morgan: I was just using it for clean-up. Chuckie: Stop jerking off in my mother's room! Morgan: Ain't there another VCR in the house? Chuckie: It's just sad bro.
26
[ordering drinks] Lambeau: Perrier. Sean: That's French for "club soda."
27
Chuckie: Morgan, I'm not going to Kelly's just because you like the take out girl. It's fifteen minutes out of our way. Morgan: What the fuck are we gonna do that we can't spare fifteen minutes.
28
Sean: My wife used to fart when she was nervous.
29
Will: I'm pumped! Let the healing begin!
30
Sean: Do you have a soul mate? Will: Define that? Sean: Someone you can relate to, someone who opens things up for you. Will: Yeah, Chuckie Sean: Chuckie's family would lie down in fucking traffic for you.
31
Will: What is this, a Taster's Choice moment between guys?
32
Sean: I knew you long before you ever became a mathematical god, I knew you when you were pimple faced and homesick and didn't know what side of the bed to piss on! Lambeau: Yeah, yeah, you were smarter then me then and you're smarter then me now!
33
Lambeau: Yeah, you were smarter than me then, and you're smarter than me now. So, don't blame me for how your life turned out. Sean: I don't blame you! It's not about you, you mathematical dick! It's about the boy! He's a good kid! And I won't see you fuck him up like you're trying to fuck up me right now! I won't let you make feel like a failure too!
34
Will: I didn't ask for this. Sean: No, you were born with it. So don't cop out behind "I didn't ask for this".
35
Lambeau: You're angry at me for doing what you could have done but ask yourself, Sean. Ask yourself if you want Will to feel that way, if you want him to feel like a failure. Sean: Oh, you arrogant shit! That's why I don't come to the goddamned reunions 'cause I can't stand that look in your eye. Ya know, that condescending, embarrassed look. You think I'm a failure. I know who I am, and I'm proud of what I do. I was a conscientious choice, I didn't fuck up! And you and your cronies think I'm some sort of pity case. You and your kiss-ass chorus following you around going, "The Field's Medal! The Field's Medal!" Why are you still so fuckin' afraid of failure?
36
Sean: I just have a little question here. You could be a janitor anywhere. Why did work at the most prestigious technical college in the whole fuckin' world? And why did you sneak around at night and finish other people's formulas that only one or two people in the world could do and then lie about it? 'Cause I don't see a lot of honor in that, Will.
37
Sean: There's honor, ya know, in taking that 40-minute so those college kids could come in the morning and their floors are clean and their wastebaskets are empty. That's real work. Will: That's right. Sean: Right, and that's honorable. Sure that's why you took that job. I mean for the 'honor' of it.
38
Morgan: If you were gonna fight them, why didn't you fight them back there? We got snacks now!
39
Will: What the fuck do you want? Lambeau: My name is Gerald Lambeau. The guy who you told to go fuck himself. Will: Well, what the fuck do you want?
40
Sean: People call those imperfections, but no, that's the good stuff.
41
Sean: Put it on my tab Tim: You ever plan on paying your tab? Sean: Yeah, chief. I've got the winning lottery ticket right here. Tim: What's the jackpot? Sean: Twelve million. Tim: I don't think that will cover it. Sean: Yeah, but it'll cover your sex change operation!
42
Tom: This is Professor Lambeau. Janitor: And this is Professor Haze.
43
Skylar: Do you have lots of brothers and sisters? Will: I'm Irish Catholic, what do you think? Skylar: But how many? Will: You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Skylar: Why? Go on, what, 5? 7? 8? How many? Will: I have 12 big brothers. Skylar: You do not have 12 brothers. Will: I swear to God, I swear to God, I'm lucky 13 right here. Skylar: Do you know all their names? Will: Do I... yeah they're my brothers. Skylar: What are they called? Will: Marky, Ricky, Danny, Terry, Mikey, Davey, Timmy, Tommy, Joey, Robby, Johnny, and Brian. Skylar: Say it again. Will: Marky, Ricky, Danny, Terry, Mikey, Davey, Timmy, Tommy, Joey, Robby, Johnny, and Brian. Skylar: ...and Willy. Will: Willy? Will...
44
[first lines] Lambeau: Mod fx... squared... dx. So please finish Parceval, by next time. I know many of you had this as undergraduates, but it won't hurt to brush up.
45
Sean: Do you like books? Will: Yeah. Sean: [points to wall] Did you read any of these books? Will: I don't know. Sean: [points to shelf] How about any of these books? Will: Probably not. Sean: What about the ones on the top shelf? You read those? Will: [looks] Yeah, I read those. Sean: Good for you. What do you think about 'em? Will: Hey, I'm not here for a fuckin' book report. They're your books. Why don't you read them? Sean: I did. I had to. Will: Must've taken you a long time. Sean: Yeah, it did.
46
Chuckie: Christ, who did you call? Will: No-one. I forgot the number. Morgan: You fuckin' retarded? You went all the way out there in the rain and you didn't bring the number? Will: No, it was your mother's 900 number. I just ran out of quarters.
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