"How would you like to have Joan Crawford as a mother?...Or Lana Turner?"--Doris Mann (Shirley MacLaine) to her daughter, Suzanne Vale (Meryl Streep)
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"Those are my options?"--Suzanne Vale
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"You want me to do well, just not better."--Suzanne Vale to Doris Mann
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Doris: Sing one of your old numbers from my act.
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Doctor Frankenthal: Would you maybe like to go out with me sometime? Catch a movie or something? Suzanne: Sure. We can go see "Valley of the Dolls." We'll say fate brought us together.
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Doris: How was work today, dear? Suzanne: They made me do a drug test. Doris: I knew it. I knew you shouldn't do this film. Suzanne: You knew I shouldn't do it because it's a bad film, not because they were going to make me do a drug test. Doris: No, I knew it was wrong from the start, I had a dream that it wasn't right. I know you don't believe in my dreams, even the one that predicted your kidney stone. I had a dream the other night that I was drowning in the ocean... Suzanne: I really wish I had a Percodan right now. Or two, maybe three. Doris: ...a very heavy sequined gown pulling me under. Suzanne: I'm going to kill myself. Doris: Don't say that, dear, even in jest. You just got out of drug clinic. People might take it the wrong way.
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Doris: I have some news. Suzanne: What? You had a dream I lost some weight? Endorsed a line of clothing? Doris: Don't be fresh, dear.
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Doris: Will you please tell me what is this awful thing I did to you? Suzanne: Alright, you want to know? From the time I was nine years old, you gave me sleeping pills! You don't give sleeping pills to a child. Doris: It was over the counter medication and it was perfectly safe! I only gave them to you because you couldn't sleep. Don't you go blaming me for your drug addiction, I don't blame my mother for my problems or my drinking. Suzanne: That's because you don't acknowledge your drinking. How could you possibly blame your mother for something you don't even do? Doris: Maybe I had a drinking problem when you were a teenager, but I had just gone through two miscarriages and a divorce! Now I just drink like an Irish person!
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Suzanne: You don't want me to be a singer. You're the singer. I can't possibly compete with you. What if someone won? You want me to do well... just not better than you.
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Bart: Excuse me, Suzanne, can I meet your mother? Suzanne: Sure. Bart, this is my mom... Bart: Oh, Miss Mann, I've loved you my whole life. Ever since I was seven, I wanted to be you. Alan: He does you in his drag show. Bart: Oh, this is my lover, Alan. Yes, I wear a costume exactly like the one you wore in "That Marvelous Mrs. Markham." Doris: Oh, the one with the corset? That was so difficult to wear... Suzanne: Mom? Doris: Oh, I must go, sorry, boys. It was very nice to meet you. [whispering to Suzanne] Doris: Sorry, dear, but you know how the queens love me.
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Suzanne: Aw, shut up, Grandma. Grandma: I beg your pardon? Suzanne: I should think you would. Grandma: If your mother had given you a pop on the butt when you were little like I told her... Suzanne: I'm simply suggesting we all try to enjoy one another without having to assign blame. Grandma: Ooh, listen to Miss Snootybritches. "Assign blame," hee hee. [Suzanne pushes her towards the door] Grandma: What do you think you're doing? Suzanne: I'm moving you out to the waiting room. Grandma: Well, you don't have to shove! [She leaves] Doris: If I thought I made you feel like that, I'd kill myself. Suzanne: Don't say that, Ma, even in jest. You're in a hospital, people might take it the wrong way.
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Jack Faulkner: Are we breaking up? Suzanne Vale: We can't break up, we were never together. Jack Faulkner: Should come as news to you, you're acting like a wife. Suzanne Vale: Better than acting like a whore! Jack Faulkner: You're in no position to judge me, you just got out of a drug clinic. Suzanne Vale: Which is where you belong, Mr. Pothead, Mr. Vodka, Mr. Bedroom Eyes!
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Doris Mann: So you said you have a ranch? Jack Faulkner: Yeah, out in Malibu. Doris Mann: If all ranchers looked like you, there wouldn't be many crops. Jack Faulkner: Depends on what you're raising. Doris Mann: Certainly not doubts! [both laugh, Suzanne enters] Doris Mann: Oh, I was just coming to get you, your little friend is here. Suzanne Vale: Can I speak to you for a moment in private? Doris Mann: Excuse me, my daughter wants to speak to me. [both step into alcove] Suzanne Vale: I would really just like a few people of my own without them having to like you so much! Doris Mann: I was just being friendly. And I don't care if he likes me or not, your friend in there with the bedroom eyes. Suzanne Vale: Right. And the living room nose, the kitchen forehead and den ears.
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Suzanne: I've been approached by hundreds of people who've felt the need to address the lack of relaxation in my work. Simon: Really? Hundreds? Well, I'll have a chat with them. Suzanne: In the future, I would prefer to receive direction solely from you. I mean we're talking about one day of work here. A day in which I was tied to a cactus and assaulted by snakes. Like I was a child. Maybe they should bring my mother on the set and she can make sure I'm relaxed! Simon: That's it! That's her! That's the character! What you're doing right now! Suzanne: But, Simon! This isn't relaxed! This is incredibly upset!
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Suzanne: Do you know Jack Faulkner? Evelyn: [laughs] Oh, yeah. Suzanne: You've... slept with him? Evelyn: Well, I don't know how much of a rest I got. Wait, he hasn't got...? Suzanne: No! Oh, God, I hope not. Evelyn: You scared me. I thought maybe you were from some celebrity AIDS notification board or something.
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Suzanne: When did you see Jack last? Evelyn: Umm, Saturday. Saturday night. Suzanne: I was with him Saturday afternoon. That's two girls in one day. Evelyn: And that's just the ones we know about. Think what you could find out if you had one of those satellite things. [laughs] Suzanne: How can you laugh? It's completely disgusting! Especially in this day and age. Evelyn: You look like someone who can take care of herself. Buy some condoms. Don't feel bad. He probably really likes you. If you can just... enjoy yourself with him like he's enjoying himself with you... That's what I do. I'm in it for the "endolphin" rush. Suzanne: Endorphin. Evelyn: Whatever.
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Suzanne: Mom, this is my roommate, Aretha. Doris: Aretha, what an unusual name. Aretha: Yes, I think my parents were expecting someone black. [Suzanne laughs] Doris: [confused] Are you black? Aretha: Ummm, no. I think I'll go and weave a basket or something and let you two have some time alone.
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Suzanne: Ma, I'm middle-aged. Doris: Dear, *I'm* middle-aged. Suzanne: Really. And how many one hundred and twenty year old women do *you* know?
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Suzanne: Did you want some more cashews, Grandpa? Grandpa: Did I already have some? Grandma: He gets worse every day. Grandpa: Who gets worse? I heard that! Get off my back, woman! Yap, yap, yap. That's all you do, all the livelong day. I wanna go home. Grandma: We're going home, dear. Grandpa: Not with you! [smiles at Aretha] Grandpa: Are we going soon? Aretha: Soon, sir. Very soon. Grandpa: You know what my daddy did? Aretha: What? Grandpa: [confused] What were we talking about? Grandma: See what I mean? Grandpa: Leave me alone, woman! Yap, yap, yap. [singing] Grandpa: And the farmer hauled another load away... [wanders off across the lawn] Grandma: [sighs] The other night he punched me when I was trying to put some clean pajamas on him.
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Doris Mann: Never let 'em see you ache. That's what Mr. Mayer used to say. Or was it "ass"? Never let 'em see your ass.
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