Phoebe: You're not so tough without your car, are you?
(141 votes)
2
Detective John Kimble: I'm a cop you idiot!
(136 votes)
3
Detective John Kimble: Emma, take your toy back to the carpet and sit down. Emma: I'm not a policeman, I'm a princess! Detective John Kimble: Take your toy back to the carpet! Emma: [softly] I'm not policeman, I'm princess. Detective John Kimble: TAKE IT BACK! Emma: [miserable] All right.
(86 votes)
4
[John Kimble sees boy eating out of lunch boxes] Detective John Kimble: Are these all your lunches? [Boy shakes his head] Detective John Kimble: You mean you eat other people's lunches? [Boy nods] Detective John Kimble: STOP IT!
(79 votes)
5
Detective John Kimble: We're going to play a wonderful game called..."Who is my daddy and what does he do?"
(64 votes)
6
Detective John Kimble: I have a headache. Lowell: It might be a tumor. Detective John Kimble: It's not a tumor!
(56 votes)
7
Joseph: My dad's a gynecologist. He looks at vaginas all day long.
(12 votes)
8
[Kimble knocks out two gang members with ease, then turns to two others standing by his car] Detective John Kimble: Oh, excuse me. I forgot to introduce myself. My name is John Kimble... [racks shotgun] Detective John Kimble: And I love my car! Street Tough #3: Yo, man, I'm just gonna keep a eye on it for you, all right? Street Tough #4: You got a beautiful ride. [as soon as Kimble is out of hearing range] Street Tough #3: Shit. Who he think he is? He's lucky I didn't kick his ass.
(7 votes)
9
[after the kids start complaining about "police school"] Detective John Kimble: Oh, come on... [shouts] Detective John Kimble: Stop whining! You kids are soft. You lack discipline. [shouts] Detective John Kimble: Well, I've got news for you. You are mine now. You belong to me.
(5 votes)
10
Miss Schlowski: What did it feel like to hit that son of a bitch? Detective John Kimble: It felt great.
(3 votes)
11
Joseph: It could be a tumor Detective John Kimble: [shouts] It's not a tumor!
Joyce: You know, kindergarten is like the ocean. You don't want to turn your back on it.
(1 vote)
14
Joseph: Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina! Detective John Kimble: Thanks for the tip.
(1 vote)
15
Joseph: Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina! Phoebe: [to Kimble] Well, you taught them the basics, that's important.
(1 vote)
16
Tina & Rina: Our mom says our dad is a real sex machine.
(1 vote)
17
[after his first day, John comes back and collapses on his bed] Phoebe O'Hara: How'd it go? Detective John Kimble: Go away. Phoebe O'Hara: It went that well, huh? Detective John Kimble: You take over tomorrow. Phoebe O'Hara: And blow our cover? Can't do it. Detective John Kimble: They're horrible. Phoebe O'Hara: Tell me about it.
(1 vote)
18
Danny: Hey, I'm not stupid, Mr. Crisp. Cullen Crisp: [shoots him] You're not?
(1 vote)
19
Miss Schlowski: Your teacher, Miss O'Hara, had to go somewhere. Dominic: Where'd she go? Miss Schlowski: That doesn't matter. Lowell: Did she die? Miss Schlowski: No, Lowell, she went to see someone. Lowell: Did they die? Miss Schlowski: *No*, Lowell. Lowell: Everyone dies, you know.
(1 vote)
20
Low Life #1: So who are you, man? [Kimble racks his shot-gun] Low Life #1: Shit! [he scrambles out of the way just before Kimble blasts the couch apart] Detective John Kimble: I'm the party pooper.
21
[O'Hara rushes to the airplane's restroom] Stewardess: Is your wife okay, sir? Detective John Kimble: Compared to what?
22
Detective John Kimble: No more complaining. No more "Mr. Kimble, I have to go the bathroom". Nothing! [shouts] Detective John Kimble: There is no bathroom!
23
Detective John Kimble: Just don't throw up on me. Phoebe O'Hara: Nah, it's OK, I'm not gonna throw up on you. But I am gonna kiss you!
24
Detective John Kimble: I really appreciate your honesty. You happen to know someone that is not better than me? Dominic: I don't know that many people.
25
Detective John Kimble: How do I look? Phoebe O'Hara: Take off the gun. [Kimble realizes he has strapped on his shoulder holster] Detective John Kimble: That's a good idea. Phoebe O'Hara: Little bastards are gonna eat you alive. Detective John Kimble: Get some rest and don't worry. I've been working undercover for a long time. They're six-year-olds. How much trouble can they be? Phoebe O'Hara: On second thought, take the gun.
26
[Crisp's mother is buying a heap of pediatric medication] Cullen Crisp: The boy's not sick. Eleanor Crisp: Doesn't hurt to take precautions. Cullen Crisp: Mother, you are going to make him sick. You stuffed all this crap down my throat for years, and there was nothing wrong with me! Eleanor Crisp: That's why there was nothing wrong with you. Cullen Crisp: Now, how can you argue with that?
27
Phoebe: Well, what are you going to do? Handcuff her to the bumper of your car and take her for a ride? Detective John Kimble: Let's just say I'm not going to offer to cook her dinner.
28
[to some kids who keep bumping his airplane seat] Detective John Kimble: Hey, come here. [he beckons a kid with one finger, while holding a pencil in the other] Detective John Kimble: If you don't stop screwing around back there, this is what I'm gonna do with you. [he snaps the pencil in two with his thumb. The kid sits back, wide-eyed]
29
Joshua: Are you married, Mr. Kimble? Detective John Kimble: No, I'm not. [Joshua sticks his head into the hallway] Joshua: [shouts] He's not married, Mom!
30
Cullen Crisp: Kimble, you've wasted years chasing after me, and what has it got you? Huh? Nothing! I'll be out of here in a week, and you'll still be eating takeout food in that dump you live in. Yeah! I know all about you, Kimble. Without me, you wouldn't even have a life. My old lady left because of the money. Yours left because she just couldn't stand the sight of you.
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