Mitch Murphy: Hi, I'm Mitch Murphy. I live across the street. You guys going out of town? We're going to Orlando, Florida. Well, actually, first we're going to Missouri to pick up my grandma. Did you know the McCallisters are going to France? Do you know if it's cold there? Do these vans get good gas mileage? Airport Driver: Gee, kid, I don't know. Hit the road.
(46 votes)
2
Marv: Kids are scared of the dark. Harry: You're afraid of the dark, too, Marv.
(48 votes)
3
Kevin McCallister: I took a shower washing every body part with actual soap; including all my major crevices; including in between my toes and in my belly button which I never did before but sort of enjoyed. I washed my hair with adult formula shampoo and used cream rinse for that just-washed shine. I can't seem to find my toothbrush, so I'll pick one up when I go out today. Other than that, I'm in good shape.
(44 votes)
4
Peter McCallister: The only flying that I ever did as a kid was in the family station wagon. It wasn't to France. We used to have to go over to Aunt Laura and Uncle Arthur's house.
(44 votes)
5
Gangster 'Johnny': Who is it? Pizza Boy: It's Little Nero, sir. I have your pizza. Gangster 'Johnny': Leave it at the doorstep and get the hell 'outta here. Pizza Boy: Okay, but what about the money? Gangster 'Johnny': What money? Pizza Boy: Well, you'll have to pay for your pizza, sir. Gangster 'Johnny': How much do I owe you? Pizza Boy: That'll be $11.80, sir. [Kevin drops the money from the door hatch] Gangster 'Johnny': Keep the change, you filthy animal. Pizza Boy: Cheapskate. Gangster 'Johnny': Hey, I'm going to give you to the count of ten, to get your ugly face out of my property, before I pump your guts full of lead! 1, 2, 10!
(45 votes)
6
Gangster 'Johnny': [smirks] Too bad Acey ain't in charge no more.
(3 votes)
7
Megan McCallister: You're not at all worried that something might happen to Kevin? Buzz McCallister: No, for three reasons: A, I'm not that lucky. Two, we use smoke detectors and D, we live on the most boring street in the whole United States of America, where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen. Period.
(1 vote)
8
Kevin McCallister: A lovely cheese pizza, just for me.
(2 votes)
9
Kevin McCallister: This is my house, I have to defend it.
10
Kate McCallister: [to the Scranton Ticket Agent] This is *Christmas*. The season of perpetual hope. And I don't care if I have to get out on your runway and hitchhike. If it costs me everything I own, if I have to sell my soul to the devil himself, I am going to get home to my son.
11
Kevin McCallister: [preparing to meet bandits and loading the ruffle] This is it! Don't get scared now!
12
Kevin McCallister: You guys give up yet? Or are you thirsty for more?
13
Kevin McCallister: Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association? Clerk: Well, I don't know. It doesn't say, hon. Kevin McCallister: Well, could you please find out?
14
Kevin McCallister: This house is so full of people it makes me sick. When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone.
15
Marv: He's only a kid Harry. We can take him.
16
Kevin McCallister: Can I sleep in your room? I don't want to sleep on the hide-a bed with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed. Buzz McCallister: I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass.
17
Kate McCallister: How could we do this? We forgot him. Peter McCallister: We didn't forget him. We just miscounted. Kate McCallister: What kind of a mother am I? Frank McCallister: If it makes you feel any better, I forgot my reading glasses.
18
Gangster 'Snakes': What do you mean?
19
Gangster 'Johnny': [hears knock at door] Who is it?
20
Gangster 'Snakes': [Snakes comes in] It's me, Snakes. I got the stuff.
21
Gangster 'Johnny': Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell outta here.
22
Gangster 'Snakes': All right, Johnny, but what about my money?
23
Gangster 'Johnny': What money?
24
Gangster 'Snakes': Acey said you had some dough for me.
25
Gangster 'Johnny': That a fact? How much do I owe ya?
26
Gangster 'Snakes': Acey said 10%.
27
Gangster 'Johnny': He's upstairs taking a bath. He'll call you when he gets out. Gangster 'Johnny': Hey, I tell ya what I'm gonna give *you*, Snakes. Gangster 'Johnny': [pulls out machine gun] Gangster 'Johnny': I'm gonna give you to the count of 10, to get your lying, yellow, no-good keister off my property, before [shouts] Gangster 'Johnny': I pump your guts full of lead! Gangster 'Snakes': [wide eyed and calm] All right, Johnny, I'm sorry. I'm goin! Gangster 'Johnny': 1...2...10! [starts unloading bullets into Snakes while laughing maniacally] Gangster 'Johnny': Keep the change ya filthy animal!
28
Gangster 'Johnny': Hey! I tell you what I'm gonna give you, Snakes. I'm gonna give you to the count of 10 to get your ugly, yellow, no-good keister off my property before I pump your guts full of lead! One, two, ten! [machine gun fire] Gangster 'Johnny': Keep the change, you filthy animal!
29
Harry: Where did he go? Marv: Maybe he committed suicide. Kevin McCallister: I'm over here you big horse's ass, come and get me before I call the police.
30
Kevin McCallister: The 3rd floor? Kate McCallister: Go. Kevin McCallister: It's scary up there. Kate McCallister: Don't be silly, Fuller will be up in a little while. Kevin McCallister: I don't want to sleep with Fuller. You know about him, he wets the bed. He'll pee all over me, I know it. Kate McCallister: [looking disgusted] Fine, we'll put him somewhere else.
31
[the check-out woman holds up a bag full of army men, and gives Kevin a funny look] Kevin McCallister: For the kids.
32
Kate McCallister: I have been awake for almost 60 hours. I'm tired and I'm dirty. I have been from Chicago to Paris to Dallas to... where the hell am I? Scranton Ticket Agent: Scranton. Kate McCallister: [finally letting her aggravation out] I am trying to get home to my eight-year-old son. And now that I'm this close, you're telling me it's hopeless?
33
Kate McCallister: No, he's just home alone.
34
[while on the airplane] Frank McCallister: [talking to Leslie] Wow, that's real crystal. Put it in your purse.
35
Kevin McCallister: Did anyone order me a plain cheese? Buzz McCallister: Yeah, we did, but if you want any, someone's gonna have to barf it all up 'cause it's gone.
36
Kate McCallister: Where are the passports and tickets? Peter McCallister: I put them in the microwave to dry em' off.
37
Kate McCallister: Heather, did you count heads? Heather McCallister: Eleven, including me. Five boys, six girls, four parents, two drivers, and a partridge in a pear tree.
38
Kate McCallister: Kevin, get upstairs right now. Kevin McCallister: Why? Jeff McCallister: Kevin, you're such a disease. Kevin McCallister: Shut up. Peter McCallister: Kevin, upstairs. Kate McCallister: Say good night, Kevin. Kevin McCallister: "Good night, Kevin."
39
[last lines] Buzz McCallister: [shouts] Kevin! What did you do to my room?
40
Kevin McCallister: I made my family disappear. [thinks back to family members saying bad things about him] Megan McCallister: Kevin, you're completely helpless! Linnie McCallister: No, Kevin, you're what the French call les incompetents. Buzz McCallister: Kevin, I'm going to feed you to my tarantula. Jeff McCallister: Kevin, you are *such* a *disease*! Kate McCallister: There are 15 people in this house and you're the only one who has to make trouble. Frank McCallister: Look what you *did*, you little *jerk*. Kevin McCallister: [gleefully] I made my family disappear.
41
Kate McCallister: [breaking up a fight between Kevin and Buzz] [to Kevin] Kate McCallister: What is the matter with you? Kevin McCallister: He started it! He ate my pizza on purpose. He knows I hate sausage and olives... Frank McCallister: Look what ya did, ya little *jerk*!
42
Kevin McCallister: I don't know how to pack a suit case. I've never done this once in my whole life. Jeff McCallister: Tough. Kevin McCallister: That's what Megan said. Megan McCallister: What did I say? Jeff McCallister: You told Kevin "tough". Megan McCallister: The dope was whining about a suit case. What was I supposed to do? Shake his hand and say, "Congratulations, you're an idiot"?
43
Kevin McCallister: Mom, Uncle Frank won't let me watch the movie but the big kids can. Why can't I? Kate McCallister: Kevin, I'm on the phone. Kevin McCallister: It's not even rated R. He's just being a jerk. Kate McCallister: Kevin, if Uncle Frank says no then it must be really bad.
44
Kate McCallister: [about Kevin] He was in the garage again playing with the glue gun. Peter McCallister: Didn't we talk about that? Kevin McCallister: Did I burn down the joint? I don't think so. I was making ornaments out of fish hooks. Peter McCallister: My NEW fish hooks? Kevin McCallister: I can't make ornaments out of the old ones, with dry worm guts stuck on them.
45
Kate McCallister: [while on the phone, Kevin jumps onto the bed] No, we're not bringing the dog. We took him to the kennel... Hey, hey! Get off. Kevin, out of the room! Kevin McCallister: Hang up the phone and make me, why don't you?
46
Peter McCallister: Hey did you by any chance pick up a voltage adapter thing? Kate McCallister: No, I didn't have time to do that. Peter McCallister: Well how am I supposed to shave in France? Kate McCallister: Grow a goatee.
47
Harry: Hi. Brooke McCallister: Hi. Harry: Are your parents home? Brooke McCallister: Yeah. Harry: Do they live here? Brooke McCallister: No. [walks off] Harry: No. Why should they? All kids. No parents. Probably a fancy orphanage.
48
Rod McCallister: Who's gonna feed your spider while we're gone? Buzz McCallister: He just ate a whole load of mice guts. He should be good for a couple of weeks. Say isn't it true that French babes don't shave their pits? Rod McCallister: Some don't. Buzz McCallister: But they got nude beaches? Rod McCallister: Not in the winter. [Buzz sulks]
49
Peter McCallister: Hi. Harry: Hi. Are you Mr. McCallister? Peter McCallister: Yeah. Harry: The Mr. McCallister who lives here? Peter McCallister: Yes. Pizza Boy: Oh, good, because somebody owes me $122.50.
50
Kevin McCallister: Santa, hold on. Can I talk to you for a second? Santa Claus: Yes, but make it quick. Santa's got a little get together he's late for. Kevin McCallister: Okay. I know you're not the real Santa Claus. Santa Claus: [his beard is pulled down, revealing his real face] What makes you say that? Er, just out of curiosity.
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