Claire Cleary: What is true love? John Beckwith: True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another. Claire Cleary: It's a little cheesy but I like it. John Beckwith: I read it on a bumper sticker!
(93 votes)
2
Jeremy Grey: Buddy, for your own good you gotta let this go.
(92 votes)
3
Todd Cleary: I made you a painting. I call it "Celebration." It's sexual and violent. I thought you might like it.
(59 votes)
4
Chazz Reinhold: Ma, can we get some meatloaf!
(60 votes)
5
Todd Cleary: Death, you are my bitch lover! Secretary Cleary: Todd, that's good! Tell that mean ocean!
(47 votes)
6
Jeremy Grey: I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding, neither are you.
(12 votes)
7
Chaz Reingold: What is she doing back there? I never know what she's doing.
(14 votes)
8
Jeremy Grey: Lock it up!
(13 votes)
9
Flip: Yeah! Crabcakes and Football. That's what Maryland does!
(7 votes)
10
John Beckwith: Claire! All I wanted is to have a minute alone with you to explain everything. But I've never gotten that chance. So here goes. For longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing weddings. Business was good. I met a lot of girls. It was childish and irresponsible. Claire Cleary: And pathetic. John Beckwith: Yeah. That's probably the best word. But it also led me to you so it's impossible for me to completely regret it. I've learned something. I crashed a funeral today. It wasn't my idea, I was basically dragged along [to Jeremy] John Beckwith: I went with Chazz who you forgot to tell me is totally insane. Although he may actually be a genius because it really does work, he's cleaning up. Claire Cleary: John! John Beckwith: That's neither here nor there. Anyway, I saw this widow and she's a wreck. She has just lost the person she loved the most in this world and I realised we're all going to lose the people we love. That's how it is, but not me. Not now. Because the person *I* love the most is standing right here and I'm not ready to lose you yet. Claire, I'm not standing here asking you to marry me, I'm just asking you not to marry *him* and maybe take a walk, take a chance.
(7 votes)
11
Jeremy Grey: [in response to the outfit he's wearing] I'm not even gunna say it, but you know I'm upset. John Beckwith: Yes. But I think you look good. Jeremy Grey: You know I don't look good.
(6 votes)
12
Chazz Reinhold: So how's my protégé? John Beckwith: Jeremy, believe it or not, is getting married! Chazz Reinhold: What? What an idiot! Good! Good! More for you and me.
(5 votes)
13
Secretary Cleary: Once Sack and Claire tie the knot, two of the great American families will finally be united. John Beckwith: And then you can challenge the Klingons for interstellar domination.
(5 votes)
14
John Beckwith: That brings us to the question of frequent flyer miles. Mrs. Kroeger: I want them. Mr. Kroeger: I earned those miles. Mrs. Kroeger: Yeah, you earned them flying to Denver to meet your whore. Mr. Kroeger: She's not afraid to express herself sexually if that's what you mean. Mrs. Kroeger: Her name is Chastity. She is white trash, same as you.
(4 votes)
15
John Beckwith: Are you going to give a toast? Claire Cleary: Yes. John Beckwith: Nervous? Claire Cleary: A little bit, but I think this is good. John Beckwith: You keep it in your cleavage. Claire Cleary: Nowhere else to put it. John Beckwith: "I never thought my sister would meet someone who cared about what other people thought as much as she did until I met Craig?" Claire Cleary: Yes, it's funny. It's funny because it's true. John Beckwith: I know, but the funny because it's true bit only works if the truth is a very small thing like "everyone knows Jennifer likes to shop, ha ha ha". Honestly, I think you're better off going for something from the heart. Claire Cleary: I think people are going to love this. John Beckwith: I think you're going to hear crickets. Claire Cleary: No. John Beckwith: Sounds of silence. Claire Cleary: Uh uh. John Beckwith: Ok, meet me at the back of the room, I'll be the guy waiting to say I told you so.
(5 votes)
16
Todd Cleary: We had a moment at the dinner table didn't we? Jeremy Grey: No! No! We did not have a moment at the dinner table, Todd!
(3 votes)
17
Jeremy Grey: Never walk away from a fellow crasher wearing a funny jacket! Rule #115!
(3 votes)
18
Claire Cleary: Oh, so you're hiding I see.
(5 votes)
19
Jeremy Grey: Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.
(3 votes)
20
John Beckwith: Anyone ever feel like they're just disappearing?
(3 votes)
21
Best Man: After my ninth stint in rehab, Craig - ah Craig, Craig was the only one who still believed in me. Been sober for eight months now.
(2 votes)
22
Jeremy Grey: How many times you gonna do this bullshit? Rule #35: never commit to a relative unless you're sure they have a pulse. John Beckwith: Rule #15: give me an up-to-date family tree, you just made me look like an idiot. Jeremy Grey: Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!
(2 votes)
23
Secretary Cleary: Sack, I've always liked you so I've put up with your stories about scallops and otters because I thought you made my daughter happy. But this is her decision. I stand by my daughter.
(2 votes)
24
Vivian: Would you say you're completely full of shit or just 50%? John Beckwith: I hope just 50 but who knows.
(2 votes)
25
Woman: I saw you at the wedding. John Beckwith: Yeah? Woman: You were crying. John Beckwith: You weren't supposed to see that, now you probably think I'm a big pussy. Woman: No, it was really sweet.
(3 votes)
26
[seeing Gloria throwing a tantrum in front of her father] Jeremy Grey: Looks like a little kid at Toys-R-Us. [pause] Jeremy Grey: I can't be around her. John Beckwith: Get off your high horse and stop judging people.
(1 vote)
27
John Beckwith: What are you doing? It's a game of touch football, every time I look over you're on your ass again.
(1 vote)
28
Chaz Reingold: [almost whispering] What the *fuck* do you want?
(1 vote)
29
Jeremy Grey: I always knew I was never going to be a professional bull fighter, but that's not why I did it.
(1 vote)
30
John Beckwith: Sorry I'm late. Jeremy Grey: No problem. John Beckwith: I'm sorry I called you white trash. Jeremy Grey: I forgive you. John Beckwith: And I'm sorry I called you hillbilly. I don't know what that means. Jeremy Grey: John, it's all right. Do you mind if I get married now?
(1 vote)
31
John Beckwith: Secretary Cleary, I'm John Ryan. Secretary Cleary: Hello John. John Beckwith: I just wanted to say how much I appreciated your position paper on economic expansion in Micronesia. Secretary Cleary: You've read my position paper? John Beckwith: I read it while I was sailing my boat to Bermuda. Secretary Cleary: A sailor? Sit down. You didn't happen to catch my speech on Paraguayan debt did you? John Beckwith: Are you serious? I loved it! Your argument for the inverse ratio of capital to debt was genius. Now if we could only get congress not to be so short sighted. Secretary Cleary: Yes! Well put. Short sighted. John, how about we go out on the deck and light up a couple of cigars? John Beckwith: Stogies? Secretary Cleary: Yeah. John Beckwith: Why not?
(1 vote)
32
Jeremy Grey: John, can you come in here a second, it's important. John Beckwith: Hi, what's up? Jeremy Grey: We got three big weeks ahead of us. It's wedding season! John Beckwith: You sandbaggin' son of a bitch! You sly dog! Now how many of them are cash bars? Jeremy Grey: I like where your head's at and actually two of them are but I have a solution. Purple hearts. We won't have to buy a drink all night. John Beckwith: Great, I'll get my suit. Now who are we this time?
33
Claire Cleary: Your brother. He's down again. John Beckwith: What is his deal?
34
Claire Cleary: Are you OK? John Beckwith: Yeah, I'm just swinging the jib for your dad, starboard. Claire Cleary: But starboard's *this* way. John Beckwith: That's right. What am I thinking? I'm used to sailing down under with the kiwis so everything's backwards and the toilets when you flush them, the water spins the opposite way. Really freaks you out the first time you see it.
35
John Beckwith: What are you going to do for an encore? Walk on water?
36
Old Jewish Woman: Who's that? Old Jewish Man: I think that's Sid's kid Lenny, the diabetic.
37
Old Italian Woman: Who's that? Old Italian Man: That's Luigi and Gina's son Christopher, the Banker.
38
Old Irish Woman: Who's he? Old Chinese Man: That's Mai Lin's adopted son Manni, the veterinarian.
39
Craig: I Craig take you Christina to be my wife, my best friend and my first mate. Through clear skies and squalls...
40
Christina Cleary: I Christina take you Craig to be my best friend and my captain.
41
Father O'Neil: You may kiss the first mate.
42
Jeremy Grey: He's the best man.
43
John Beckwith: I think we've got a crier. Jeremy Grey: No way. John Beckwith: 20 bucks. Jeremy Grey: Make it 40.
44
Jeremy Grey: [watching Gloria coming up the aisle] Hello, Red! Dibs. John Beckwith: [watching Claire coming up the aisle] She's all yours. I ain't gonna fight you.
45
Father O'Neil: And now for our second reading I'd like to ask the bride's sister Gloria up to the lectern. John Beckwith: 20 bucks First Corinthians. Jeremy Grey: Double or nothing Colossians 3:12. Gloria Cleary: And now a reading from Paul's first letter to the Corinthians.
46
John Beckwith: How long have you and the secretary been married? Kathleen Cleary: 30 years next April. John Beckwith: That's wonderful. Kathleen Cleary: Yeah. And we were faithful for two of them.
47
Jeremy Grey: Gloria, I've been doing a lot of soul searching recently, and I think I'm ready to take this relationship, our relationship to the next level. Gloria Cleary: Jeremy, I am so ready to take it to the next level. Jeremy Grey: Really? Gloria Cleary: Yeah. Do you want to watch me with another girl? How about those Brazilian twins we met at the ball game? Jeremy Grey: I was thinking more along the lines of an engagement. Gloria Cleary: Oh Jeremy, I do! Jeremy Grey: I love you. Gloria Cleary: I love you.
48
Claire Cleary: Don't you think it's a little soon? Marriage? Secretary Cleary: You know Gloria, she's always been impetuous.
49
John Beckwith: I don't mean to pry. Claire Cleary: Yes, you did.
50
Gloria Cleary: You're really talented. Jeremy Grey: I can go on all day. Last week I made, to scale, a balloon model of wrigley field. I don't have anywhere to put it. Gloria Cleary: I'll have a sports car. Jeremy Grey: How about a dance? Gloria Cleary: That's what I really wanted.
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