Art Ridzik: I'm gonna bust that bitch so hard she bounces.
2
Art Ritzik: I'm gonna get us something from all four food groups: hamburgers, french fries, coffee and doughnuts.
3
Abdul Elijah: Revolutionary political leaders like myself are incarcerated to keep us quiet. Ivan Danko: What is your political crime? Abdul Elijah: I robbed a bank.
4
Art Ridzik: About this pile-of-shit pimp in here. In this country, we try to protect the rights of individuals. It's called the Miranda Act, and it says that you can't even touch his ass. Ivan Danko: I do not want to touch his ass. I want to make him talk!
5
[after torturing a witness into talking] Ivan Danko: Soviet method is more economical.
6
Art Ridzik: Oh, great. We got a pro basketball team coming toward us - with guns!
7
Cat Manzetti: You leave your guns with those guys over there. Art Ridzik: No way. A Chicago cop never relinquishes his weapon. [the gang all point their guns at him] Art Ridzik: Here you go.
8
Ivan Danko: I have car under control. Art Ridzik: Yeah, I'm sure they taught you all about cars and the price of insurance at your famous Russian school in Kiev! Ivan Danko: In socialist countries, insurance not necessary. State pays for everything. Art Ridzik: Yeah? Well, tell me something, Captain. If you've got such a fucking paradise over there, how come you're up the same creek as we are with heroin and cocaine? Ivan Danko: Chinese find way. Right after revolution, they round up all drug dealers, all drug addicts, take them to public square, and shoot them in back of head. Art Ridzik: Ah, it'd never work here. Fucking politicians wouldn't go for it. Ivan Danko: Shoot them first.
9
Viktor Rostavili: The people have many needs. One is law and order. Other? Entertainment.
10
Viktor Rostavili: We both have our codes, Vanya. Yours, one of the State. Mine, one of thieves.
11
Viktor Rostavili: Any country that can survive Stalin can certainly handle a little dope.
12
Abdul Elijah: You want to know what my crime is? My crime was being born. I'm thirty-eight years old, and I've been locked up twenty-six of those. I educated myself in here, and I've come to understand that this country was built on exploiting the black man. Of course, I don't hear anything about brothers in your country. But your country exploits its own people just the same, so I guess that makes me the only Marxist around here, right, comrade? You see, boy, this ain't just no drug deal! This is politics, baby, this is economics, this is spiritual! I plan to sell drugs to every white man in the world... and his sister! [laughs]
13
Art Ridzik: You know this game? It's called chicken, except you're not supposed to play it with buses.
14
Commander Lou Donnelly CPD: Since I figure cops are cops the world over, how do you Soviets deal with all the tension and stress? Ivan Danko: Vodka.
15
Ivan Danko: Tea, please. Art Ridzik: In a glass, with lemon, right? Ivan Danko: [surprised] Yes. Art Ridzik: Yeah. I saw Dr. Zhivago.
16
[Danko's watch alarm goes off] Art Ridzik: What's that? Ivan Danko: My watch. It's on Moscow time. Art Ridzik: Time to pick up Pokey? Ivan Danko: Time to feed parakeet. Art Ridzik: What's that, Russian for "jerking off"?
17
[Watching a porno scene on the TV] Ivan Danko: Capitalism!
18
Ivan Danko: [commenting on Chicago, USA] Very strange city. The crime is organized; the police is not.
19
Art Ridzik: You were talking to that jazzball so long I thought about having my head shaved. Ivan Danko: It could be a good idea.
20
[Danko changes his militia uniform for a suit] Art Ridzik: What, you retire your uniform? Ivan Danko: I now work undercover. Art Ridzik: Undercover? You look like Gumby.
21
[Ridzik and Danko go to speak with Abdul Elijah in prison.] Art Ridzik: Hey, you, come here. This is Captain Danko. He's come all the way from Russia to speak with your scoutmaster. Prison Cleanhead: Well, that's nice, but who the fuck are you? Ivan Danko: These men have no respect of our authority as police officers. Art Ridzik: No shit.
22
Ivan Danko: [in Russian] What's this key for? Viktor Rostavili: [in Russian] Kiss my ass. Ivan Danko: [to Ridzik, in English] You know what this key open? Art Ridzik: Looks like a key to a locker to me. Why don't you ask your bud? Ivan Danko: [hauls Viktor around to face Ridzik] You try. Art Ridzik: Where-is-the-lock-er-that-this-key-opens? Viktor Rostavili: [mutters something in Russian] Art Ridzik: What did he say? Ivan Danko: He say, "Go and kiss your mother's behind." [Gallagher laughs. Ridzik stares at Viktor for a moment, then lunges at him]
23
Viktor Rostavili: I thought you might be more reasonable. Money has a way of doing that to a man. But no, I don't think so. Not with you. You are one of those types of Soviets who only looks forward to death. I know you well, Vanya. Without me, you don't even exist.
24
Art Ridzik: Captain Danko, congratulations. You are now the proud owner of the most powerful handgun in the world. Ivan Danko: Soviet Patparine, nine-point-two milimeter, is world's most powerful handgun. Art Ridzik: Oh, come on, everybody knows the .44 Magnum is the big boy on the block. Why do you think Dirty Harry uses it? Ivan Danko: Who is Dirty Harry?
25
[to a waitress about to freshen his coffee] Art Ridzik: Look, lady. I just got my coffee the perfect color. It's the only thing I've got going for me tonight.
26
Hooligan: Hey, asshole! You can't park here, this is my spot! I live right up there. So move your piece-of-shit car or give me fifty bucks. Ivan Danko: I do not understand. Hooligan: Let me make it real simple, moron. You move your ass or give me fifty, or I take my Pete Rose here and fucking mutilate your car. Ivan Danko: Do you know Miranda? Hooligan: Never heard of the bitch. [Danko punches him unconscious] Ivan Danko: [in Russian] Hooligani. [Ridzik comes back] Art Ridzik: Everything okay? Ivan Danko: Yes, fine. No problems. Art Ridzik: What about that sack of shit lying on the sidewalk? Ivan Danko: He lives here.
27
Ivan Danko: I do not understand this sport. Art Ridzik: You're not supposed to, it's completely American. Ivan Danko: We play baseball now in Soviet Union. Art Ridzik: Are you kidding me? This is our national pastime! [Pause.] Art Ridzik: Ah, it'd be a hell of a world series though, wouldn't it? Ivan Danko: We will win.
28
Art Ridzik: I give up. This whole thing's very Russian.
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