Other Titles • A Fish Called Wanda • Fisch namens Wanda, Ein (1989)
Quotes from A Fish Called Wanda (1988)
1
Otto: Shit! Fucking limey cement.
(2 votes)
2
"I used to box for Oxford."--Archie (John Cleese)
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"I used to kill for the CIA."--Otto (Kevin Kline)
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"To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. I've known sheep that could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher I.Qs."--Wanda (Jamie Lee Curtis) to Otto
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"Not you, Ken; you've got a beautiful speaking voice--when it works."--Otto to Ken (Micahel Palin)
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Otto: Don't call me stupid. Wendy: Why on earth not?
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Wanda: Let's make love. Archie: Well, if you absolutely insist...
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[Archie has put his gun down to fist fight with Otto] Archie: I used to box for Oxford. Otto: Oh, yeah? [Otto quickly picks up Archie's gun, and points it at him] Otto: I used to kill for the CIA.
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Wanda: I want you to know something Otto. Otto: What? Wanda: Even if you were my brother I'd still want to fuck you.
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Airline Employee: Aisle or window, smoking or non? Otto: What was the part in the middle?
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Wanda: The central message of Buddhism is not "every man for himself".
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Otto: I love watching your ass when you walk. Is that beautiful or what? Don't go near him, he's mine.
13
Otto: You know your problem? You don't like winners. Archie: Winners? Otto: Yeah. Winners. Archie: Winners, like North Vietnam? Otto: Shut up. We didn't lose Vietnam. It was a tie. Archie: [going into a cowboy-like drawl] I'm tellin' ya baby, they kicked your little ass there. Boy, they whooped yer hide REAL GOOD.
14
Wanda: I'll be right back, take your clothes off.
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Otto: You pompous, stuck-up, snot-nosed, English, giant, twerp, scumbag, fuck-face, dickhead, asshole. Archie: How very interesting. You're a true vulgarian, aren't you? Otto: You are the vulgarian, you fuck.
16
[Archie visits George, who is guarded by two policemen] Archie: We need to talk. George: You tell those pigs to fuck off. Archie: Fuck off, pigs. [the two policemen don't move] Archie: Did you hear what I said? Fuck off!
17
[Otto dangles Archie out a window] Archie: All right, all right, I apologize. Otto: You're really sorry. Archie: I'm really really sorry, I apologize unreservedly. Otto: You take it back. Archie: I do, I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair comment, and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you, or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future. Otto: OK.
18
Wanda: You just wanted to get me into bed. Archie: I fell in love with you. Wanda: How come you dumped me then. Archie: I wasn't rich enough, remember. Wanda: Say something in Russian. Archie: No.
19
Otto: It's K-K-K-Ken c-c-c-coming to k-k-k-kill me.
20
Otto West: Look, you obviously don't know anything about intelligence work, lady. It's an X-K-Red-27 technique. Wendy: My father was in the Secret Service, Mr. Manfredjinsinjin, and I know perfectly well that you don't keep the general public informed when you are "debriefing KGB defectors in a safe house."
21
Otto: Well, would you like to know what you'd be without us, the good ol' U.S. of A. to protect you? I'll tell you. The smallest fucking province in the Russian Empire, that's what. So don't call me stupid, lady. Just thank me.
22
Wanda: To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. I've known sheep who could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs, but you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape? Otto: Apes don't read philosophy. Wanda: Yes they do, Otto, they just don't understand it.
23
Archie: You make me feel free. Wanda: Free? Archie: Wanda, do you have any idea what it's like being English? Being so correct all the time, being so stifled by this dread of, of doing the wrong thing, of saying to someone "Are you married?" and hearing "My wife left me this morning," or saying, uh, "Do you have children?" and being told they all burned to death on Wednesday. You see, Wanda, we'll all terrified of embarrassment. That's why we're so... dead. Most of my friends are dead, you know, we have these piles of corpses to dinner. But you're alive, God bless you, and I want to be, I'm so fed up with all this. I want to make love with you, Wanda. I'm a good lover - at least, used to be, back in the early 14th century. Can we go to bed? Wanda: Yeah.
24
Archie: Your brother didn't bring you here this time, did he? Wanda: No. Archie: He's no idea? Wanda: He doesn't have a clue. Archie: What? Wanda: He's so dumb... Archie: Really? Wanda: ...he thought that the Gettysburg Address was where Lincoln lived.
25
Otto: Pork away pal. Fuck her blue.
26
Ken: Otto t-t-tried to k-k-kiss me. Wanda: I thought he might.
27
Wanda: Aristotle was not Belgian, the principle of Buddhism is not "every man for himself", and the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up.
28
Otto: Avoid the green ones. They're not ripe yet.
29
Otto: What is this? "Hump a Limey" week?
30
Wanda: I'm sorry about my brother, Ken. I know he's insensitive. He's had a hard life. Dad used to beat him up. Ken: Good.
31
Wanda: Get the fuck out of here, Otto. Otto: Relax. I heard moaning; I was worried.
32
Archie: You are the sexiest, most beautiful girl I have ever seen... in my entire life. Wanda: Get me my drink.
33
Otto: Ok... Ok... DISAPPOINTED. Son of a bitch. What do you have to do in this world to make people trust you? Wanda: Shut up. Otto: People are always taking advantage of me. Wanda: Shut up and think. [Otto pulls out a silenced pistol and fires two shots at the safe] Wanda: What are you doing? Otto: I'm thinking.
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Archie: I Wendy- I Wanda- I wonder...
35
Wendy: You can stick this marriage right in your bottom.
36
[after steamrollering Otto] Ken: "K-k-k-k-Ken." You bastard. Hey, I've lost my stutter. It's gone. I can speak. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
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Otto: You're a very attractive man, Ken. You're... smart, you've got wonderful bones, and you dress really interestingly.
38
Otto: I love robbing the English, they're so polite.
39
Wanda: What are you thinking, Archie? Archie: I'm just trying to think of one good reason why I should take you to South America with me. Wanda: How about... because I have the key to the safety deposit box? [pause] Archie: That's a... Archie, Curtis, Jamie Lee: ...good reason.
40
Otto: I'm, uh, Harvey. Manfred... jen... sen... den.
41
Otto: I'm here because I'm bored. Bored hanging around this God-awful city. Shoving Geroge's ugly pic... Talking to a lot of snotty, stuck up, intellectual British faggots. Jesus they're uptight they get rigor mortis in the prime of life in this country, standing there with their hair clenched. Otto: [finds a letter from Archie to Wanda] Just, counting the seconds to the weekends so they can all dress up like ballarinas and whip themselves into a frenzy at the flat at 4. 2B St. Otto: [recovering] To be honest I hate them. I mean pretending they're so fucking lawyer. Otto: [recovering again] superior, so fucking superior with those phony accents. Otto: [Ken peeks in the room] Not you Ken, you have a beautiful speaking voice... when it works. Otto: [about Wanda] Son of a bitch! Otto: [to Wanda, loudly] So, wanna have some lunch? Otto: [quietly] Have you heard from him? Wanda: Who? Otto: Archie. Wanda: [loudly] No I have to finish my hair! Wanda: [quietly] No. Otto: Nothing? Otto: [loudly] Ok well I'm outta here! Otto: [quietly] No plans to see him? Wanda: No. Wanda: [loudly] Ok. Bye Bro. Otto: Bye Wanda! [Punches Wanda's picture, hands it to Ken] Otto: Oh Sorry.
42
Otto: You really like animals don't you, Ken? What's the attraction. Ken: Well, you can t-t-trust them and they don't sh-sh-sh-sh Otto: Shit on you? Ken: Show off all the t-time.
43
Archie: [to Wanda] How could a bright and smart girl like you have a brother who is so... Otto: [coming between them] Don't call me stupid!
44
Otto: Nice fish, Ken. You know what Nietzsche said about animals? "They were God's second blunder." Ken: Well, you t-t-t-tell him from me that I kuh-kuh, I kuh-kuh...
45
Wanda: I looked at the clock... because I was saying to myself... Its five to seven, where could he be going with that sawed off shotgun?
46
Otto: Hello, K-K-K-Ken's f-f-f-fish! [taps on tank] Otto: Wake up!
47
Otto: [puts a bag over archie's head] So, Mr. Burglar, you thought you could rob Archie's house, eh? Well Mr. Leech just happens to be a real good friend of mine! Archie: Otto! Otto! Stop! Otto, it's me! It's Archie! Otto! Otto: [knocks archie out with a pan] And don't call me 'Otto.' To you, I'm 'Mr. - ' [stops, lifts bag, sees it's archie, screams] Otto: I'm sorry. Hey, hey, wake up, I'm sorry. [pats archie's face, stands] Otto: I mean, I was trying to help I mean, how was I supposed to know it was you, I mean, what the fuck were you doing *robbing* your *own house?* [kicks archie in the stomach] Otto: Stupid! Stupid! Stupi - [drops to the floor] Otto: I'm sorry! Um... . right. [runs]
48
Otto: Wake up, limey fish! Fucking insects!
49
Otto: [to Archie] You spineless bimbo.
50
Otto: Touch his dick, and he's dead!
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