Other Titles • Elvira, Mistress of the Dark • Elvira - Herrscherin der Dunkelheit (1988)
Quotes from Elvira, Mistress of the Dark (1988)
1
Bob Redding: I, ah... I can only play G-rated movies. Elvira: Oh well, there's nothing wrong with G-rated movies, as long as there's lots of sex and violence.
2
Chastity Pariah: I don't know who you are or where you came from but you most certainly don't fit in this town. Why, you don't even fit in that dress. Elvira: Listen sister, if I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
3
Elvira: Bloody Mary. Bartender: No hard liquor served past eight o'clock. Do you want a virgin? Elvira: Maybe, but, ah... I'll have a couple of drinks first.
4
Mrs. Morissey: Oh Mister Talbot, your sister was like a mother to me. Vincent Talbot: She was a mother to me too, dear. Well, now that we've dispensed with the obligatory display of bereavement, you may begin the proceedings, Mister Bigelow.
5
Patty: Seems to me it's all this cheap little tart's fault. Elvira: Cheap. Who are you callin' cheap? What's that perfume you're wearing, catch of the day?
6
Vincent Talbot: I must apologize for my behavior in the office, it's just that your appearance was a bit of a shock to me. Elvira: It's OK. My appearance is kind of a shock to everybody.
7
Elvira: Revenge is better than Christmas.
8
Bob Redding: How's your head? Elvira: I haven't had any complaints yet.
9
Chastity Pariah: Well, if she's morally unfit, then we have every right to do anything we can to get her out of this town. Are we agreed? Mr. Clotter: I never laid a hand on those sheep, so help me. Elvira: I have seen the People's Court. I'm entitled to one phone call and a strip search.
10
Elvira: Grab a tool and start banging.
11
Elvira: And don't forget, tomorrow we're showing the head with two things... I mean the thing with two heads.
12
Elvira: Yeah, I'll do it for fifty bucks.
13
Bob Redding: No, you didn't. Elvira: Well, it is a pot luck. And believe me, when they open that pot they're gonna need all the luck they can get.
14
Chastity Pariah: Boy am I a horn dog. Is this face taken?
15
Elvira: And if they ever ask about me, tell them I was more than just a great set of boobs. I was also an incredible pair of legs. And tell them... tell them that I never turned down a friend. I... never turned down a stranger for that matter. And tell them... tell them that when all is said and done, I only ask that people remember me by two simple words. [Stops to think] Elvira: Any two, as long as they're simple. [breaks down crying]
16
Bob Redding: Well, at least you still have the ring. Elvira: Yeah, but now all I can make it do is look cheap.
17
Elvira: What is there to do for fun around here? Robin Meeker: This town isn't big on fun. But there is one place! The bowling alley. It gets pretty wild on league night. Elvira: Gee, I think I can handle it.
18
Mrs. Meeker: Ok, but I want payment up front. I know what you heavy metal weirdos do to hotel rooms. I read all about it in the Star.
19
Earl Hooter: The name's Earl, but the ladies back home call me Longhorn, maybe you can guess why. Elvira: Gee, I dont know, does it have anything to do with your breath?
20
Mrs. Meeker: Leslie was the one covering people in apple butter. I was just an innocent on-licker.
21
Chastity Pariah: He had his way with me in broad daylight. Calvin Cobb: Me? You could have worn out a mechanical bull.
22
Bob Redding: You know what your problem is? Chastity Pariah. Elvira: Oh. I thought that cleared up.
23
Anchorwoman: Is there anything that could possibly shame you? Elvira: Yeah, [flicks anchorwoman's scarf] Elvira: wearing this out in public might do it.
24
Manny: If you don't cough up the money the only showroom you'll be seeing will have Toyotas in it.
25
Elvira: I didn't know I had a good aunt, let alone a great one.
26
Cop: Do you know you were doing fifty in a twenty five miles per hour zone? Elvira: No, but if you hum a few bars I'll fake it.
27
Lesley Meeker: We do have a room. Remember the trucker with the bad skin checked out yesterday? Elvira: I hope you changed the sheets.
28
Elvira: My name's Elvira but you can call me 'tonight'.
29
Chastity Pariah: Well, I never. Elvira: Yeah, and you never will with those soup cans on your head.
30
Vincent Talbot: The charge, my fellow council members, is witchcraft.
31
Vincent Talbot: He who holds the book of sight, when the moon is drained of all its light, will then be ruler of the night, Master of the Dark.
32
Vincent Talbot: I'll get you and your little dog, too.
33
Chastity Pariah: Please, I don't think we need to resort to name calling. I think what Calvin is trying to say is that this Elvira is person of easy virtue, a purveyor of pulchritude, a one-woman Sodom and Gomorrah, if you will. A slimy, slithering succubus, a concubine, a street walker, a tramp, a slut, a cheap whore.
34
Patty: Trash does not compete with class.
35
Billy: I am so sure. They're gonna kill Spider-Man with plutonium? He's GOT radioactive blood!
36
Bob Redding: I run the movie house. Elvira: Oh, really? I'm in movies too! Have you ever shown, uh, "I Married Satan"? Bob Redding: No... Elvira: How about the sequel, "I Married Satan 2"?
37
[Elvira is late for the reading of her aunt's will] Elvira: Hey guys! Sorry I'm late, but then, so is my aunt.
38
Earl Hooter: Sounds like your looking to get yourself fired little lady. Elvira: Yeah, go ahead and fire me. I need this job like a leper needs a three-way mirror!
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