Tina Shenk: Is Jake your only child? Kate: Oh no. We have 12. Tom: I couldn't keep her off of me.
(24 votes)
2
Hank: Twelve kids... that's nuts.
(22 votes)
3
Tom: You soaked his underwear in meat. That is so wrong. Funny, but wrong.
(21 votes)
4
Tom: You were checking me out, weren't you? Kate: Yes, I was. You got a problem with that? Tom: Twelve kids later and we still got the heat. Kate: Whoo!
(16 votes)
5
Tom: I promise you. We will be a happier, stronger family.
(17 votes)
6
Tom: Clean up on aisle 12.
(1 vote)
7
Kate: Mike, you have show-and-tell today. Please honey, remember body parts do not count.
8
Kate: Sarah, your suspension from lacrosse for excessive force has been lifted, so you're going today. Sarah Baker: Yes! Kate: Henry, you have band practice, all right? I cleaned your clarinet. Please don't play with food in your mouth again. Kim and Jessica, your teacher called and has made a request that you do not correct her in front of the class. Mike, you have show-and-tell today. And please, honey, remember that body parts do not count. Kyle and Nigel, you have a dentist's appointment at three o'clock, so you're going to work with Dad. Nigel Baker, Kyle Baker: Yeah! [yells] Tom: [yells]
9
Lorraine: For the record, I am so over Nora's hand-me-downs. Kate: All right. You look gorgeous in anything, Lorraine.
10
Kate: Look alive.
11
Lorraine: Are you sure we're going to fit in here, dad?
12
Kate: My book's getting published. Tom: Did I tell you we're going to have it all? Kate: You've never said that. Tom: [Sweeping Kate onto the bed] I'm telling you now, baby. Lorraine: [Rushing from the room] Oh my god, can you guys just please wait till I leave the room? Tom: [Between kisses] Can you hurry?
13
Charlie: Did I mention I don't like you very much? Tom: Yeah, you mentioned that. Charlie: Then I'm good.
14
Hank: It's gettin' so as I can hardly go out in public any more. I mean, really, between the autograph hounds and the paparazzi... Kate: Autographs and everything? I mean, just the one commercial, and you have paparazzi? Hank: Yeah. I've never actually seen them, but, you know, they hide in the bush and... they get their shot.
15
[With his football players] Tom: Get my kids and meet me at my house. Ready? Break.
16
Mark: Have you seen my frog dad? Tom: Sorry, Charlie, er, Nigel, Kyle. Mark: It's Mark. Tom: I knew that.
17
Jake: Dude, two words: need new skates. Kate: Dude, three words: paper route.
18
[Sarah has just orchestrated a major practical joke against Hank] Tom: You have a dark gift, Sarah Baker.
19
Jake: I heard you were dissing my family. Cooper: I don't even know your family loser. Mike: You do now. [after Mike knocks his Cooper's latte out of his hand] Cooper: My latte!
20
Nora: Oh honey, there just welcoming you into the family. Hank: They set me on fire. Nora: Just your pants.
21
Lorraine: Call me crazy Pops but things are getting pretty twisted around here.
22
Jake: Without you we would not be the 12 bakers we'd be like... 11.
23
Jake: Want to play catch with the football I got you? Dylan Shenk: My nanny'd have to check with my dad who'd have to check with my mom who'd say it was an inappropriate use of free time. Jake: Sounds like a "yes" to me. Go get it Mikey.
24
[phoning a "nanny" service] Tom: How many kids do I have? Twelve, but one doesn't live with me and one you never see cuz he's so mad
25
Lorraine: Black works Mom. Jesus like had his funeral on Christmas. Henry Baker: Jesus died on Easter, Barbie! Jessica Baker: Jesus was resurrected on Easter, moron.
26
Sarah Baker: Does anyone besides me think our "happier and stronger" life, is actually code for "nastier and suckier"? Mike: First dad forces us to move Jake: Then mom decides to become a career women and like, travel the globe Jessica Baker: And Now, we have to take order from Hank, the model/ actor! Mark: And he hates kids too.
27
Tom: [finding nanny on phone] I have 2 kids, Plus 10
28
Tom: She says she will help out here only if she and Hank can stay in the same room. Kate: No. Isn't that sweet kids, Nora wants to have her own room. No.
29
Tom: They're like kittens.
30
Hank: So, you guys popping another one anytime soon? [Tom and Kate looking shocked] Hank: Curiosity!
31
Kate Baker: Like you said, twelve's a big number...
32
[Sarah banging on the bathroom door] Lorraine: You blew my concentration, now I get to start all over again... haha
33
Kate: Kim and Jessica, your teacher called and has made a request that you do not correct her in front of the class.
34
Hank: [motions to his face] This is the moneymaker! I'm not that good of an actor! This is how I get the jobs, I know that.
35
Tom: Where's Hank? Nora: He's not gonna make the cut. Tom: I hope the family isn't to blame. Nora: [smiles] They're totally to blame.
36
Nora: Did you not hear me? My brother is missing! Hank: Did you not hear me? I'm on TV!
37
Tom: Where's Hank? Nora: He's not going to make the cut.
38
Sarah Baker: Release the hound!
39
Jake: Yeah, without you, we wouldn't be the twelve Bakers anymore. We'd be, [looks real serious] Jake: eleven.
40
[phone rings and Mike gets it] Mike: Hello?... Whos this?... [hands the phone to his mom] Mike: Somebody from somethin' somethin'.
41
Jessica Baker: Dad! Nigel hit Kim with a dart and I assume he will be punished!
42
Hank: [with passion] Every once in a while, I carve a pumpkin with a knife made of lollipop sticks... Nora: [talking on the phone] It totally sucks!
43
Kate: You need a paramedic? Tom: No, just a pair o' knees.
44
Hank: All I'm saying is families are inevitable they're like death or taxes.
45
[Nora and Hank making out] Kate: [claps] Nora Stop! Wanna help me in the kitchen? Get a pie, look at a picture of grandma, say the rosary.
46
Kate: [referring to Hank] He's not a doorknob. Jake: He irons his jeans, Mom. Kate: Yeah that's weird.
47
Jessica Baker: [about Mark] Your eccentricities and vision problems could be linked to any number of the Baker ancestors.
48
Kim Baker: Hey Nigel! Wanna play darts?
49
Mike: [shouts] Heads up! [Tom catches the hockey ball right before it hits Tina in the face] Tom: Little less wrist, Mike. Tom: [throws the ball back to him and Mike catches it] Mike: Got it. [shouts] Mike: Game on!
50
Mike: We're gonna move! [Henry, Jake, Sarah, Jessica, Kim and Mark all look surprised and let go of the rope, sending Mike to fall down the chute] Mike: Ahhhh!
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