Other Titles • Planes, Trains & Automobiles • Ticket für Zwei, Ein (1988)
Quotes from Planes, Trains & Automobiles (1987)
1
Del: You play with your balls a lot. Neal: I do NOT play with my balls. Del: Larry Bird doesn't do as much ball-handling in one night as you do in an hour! Neal: Are you trying to start a fight? Del: No. I'm simply stating a fact. That's all. You fidget with your nuts a lot. Neal: You know what'd make me happy? Del: Another couple of balls, and an extra set of fingers?
(2 votes)
2
Neal: You know everything is not an anecdote. You have to discriminate. You choose things that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting. You're a miracle! Your stories have NONE of that. They're not even amusing ACCIDENTALLY! "Honey, I'd like you to meet Del Griffith, he's got some amusing anecodotes for you. Oh and here's a gun so you can blow your brains out. You'll thank me for it." I could tolerate any insurance seminar. For days I could sit there and listen to them go on and on with a big smile on my face. They'd say, "How can you stand it?" I'd say, "'Cause I've been with Del Griffith. I can take ANYTHING." You know what they'd say? They'd say, "I know what you mean. The shower curtain ring guy. Woah." It's like going on a date with a Chatty Cathy doll. I expect you have a little string on your chest, you know, that I pull out and have to snap back. Except I wouldn't pull it out and snap it back - you would. Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! And by the way, you know, when you're telling these little stories? Here's a good idea - have a POINT. It makes it SO much more interesting for the listener!
(2 votes)
3
Del: You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right, I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you... but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me; I'm not changing. I like... I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.
(1 vote)
4
Del: You know I had a feeling that when we parted ways. We would somehow wind up back together again. I've never seen a guy get picked up by his testicles before. Lucky thing for you that cop passed by when he did. Otherwise, you'd be lifting up your schnutz to tie you shoes. I'm sorry. That's terrible. Do you have any idea how glad I am I didn't kill you? Neal: (High voice) Do you have any idea how glad I'd be if you had? Del: Oh, come on, pal, you don't mean that. Remember what I said about going with the flow? Neal: How am I supposed to go with the flow when the rental car agency leaves me in a 100 acre parking lot with keys to a car that isn't there then I have to hike back 3 miles to find out they don't have any more cars? Del: I got a car, no sweat at all. Neal: Well Del, you're a charmed man. Del: Nope. Neal: Oh, I know. You just go with the flow. Del: Like the twigs of the rivers in a mighty long stream.
(1 vote)
5
Del: I haven't been home in years.
(1 vote)
6
Del: Was that seat hot or what? I feel like a Whopper. Turn me over, I'm done and ready. I'm afraid to look at my ass. There'll be grill marks.
7
Car Rental Agent: I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me. Neal: And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn't fucking there. And I really didn't care to fucking walk down a fucking highway and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile at my fucking face. I want a fucking car RIGHT FUCKING NOW! Car Rental Agent: May I see your rental agreement. Neal: I threw it away. Car Rental Agent: Oh boy. Neal: Oh boy what? Car Rental Agent: You're fucked!
8
Del: We'd have more luck playing pick-up sticks with our butt-cheeks than we will getting a flight out of here before daybreak.
9
Neal: What's the flight situation? Del: Simple. There's no way on earth we're going to get out of here tonight. We'd have more luck playing pickup sticks with our butt-cheeks than we will getting a flight out of here before daybreak. Neal: I guess we'll find out soon enough. Del: Yeah, but by the time the airline cancels this flight, which they will sooner or later, you'd have more of a chance to find a three-legged ballerina than you would a hotel room. Neal: Are you saying I could be *stuck* in Wichita? Del: I'm saying you *are* stuck in Wichita.
10
Neal: Eh, look, I don't want to be rude, but I'm not much of a conversationalist, and I really want to finish this article, a friend of mine wrote it, so... Del: Don't let me stand in your way, please don't let me stand in your way. The last thing I want to be remembered as is an annoying blabbermouth... You know, nothing grinds my gears worse than some chowderhead that doesn't know when to keep his big trap shut... If you catch me running off with my mouth, just give me a poke on the chubbs...
11
[waking up after sharing the same bed on the motel] Neal: Del... Why did you kiss my ear? Del: Why are you holding my hand? Neal: [frowns] Where's your other hand? Del: Between two pillows... Neal: Those aren't pillows!
12
[another driver is trying to alert them that they're driving on the wrong side of the highway] Neal: He says we're going the wrong way... Del: Oh, he's drunk. How would he know where we're going?
13
State Trooper: What the hell are you driving here? Del: We had a small fire last night, but we caught it in the nick of time. State Trooper: Do you have any idea how fast you were going? Del: Funny enough, I was just talking to my friend about that. Our speedometer has melted and as a result it's very hard to see with any degree of accuracy exactly how fast we were going.
14
Del: If they told you wolverines would make good house pets, would you believe them?
15
Del: Sixbucks and my right nut says were not landing in Chicago.
16
Cab Dispatcher: Where are you going? Neal: Chicago. Cab Dispatcher: Chicago? Neal: Yeah. Cab Dispatcher: Don't you know you're in St. Louis? Neal: Yes I do. Cab Dispatcher: Why don't you try the airlines? It's faster and you get a free meal. Neal: If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak.
17
Owen: I'm to drive you to Wichita to catch a train? Del: Yeah, we'd appreciate it. Owen: Train don't run out of Wichita... unlessin' you're a hog or a cattle. [Clears his throat] Owen: People train runs out of Stubbville.
18
Gus: Del Griffith! How the hell are ya? Del: Well, I'm still a million bucks shy of bein' a millionaire. [Both laugh] Del: Gus, I'd like you to meet an old friend of mine. This is Neal Page from Chicago. Neal, this is Gus Mooney. Neal: Hi. Gus: Glad to meet you, Nick.
19
[last lines] Neal: Honey, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine. Susan Page: Hello, Mr. Griffith. Del: Hello, Mrs. Page.
20
Del: I know you don't I? I'm usually very good with names but I'll be damned if I haven't forgotten yours. Neal: You stole my cab. Del: I never stole anything in my life. Neal: I hailed a cab on park avenue this afternoon and before I could get in it. You stole it. Del: You're the guy who tried to get my cab. I knew I knew you! You scared the bejesus out of me. Come to think of it it was easy to get a cab during rush hour. Neal: Forget it. Del: I can't forget it. I am sorry. I had no idea it was your cab. Let me make it up to you. How about a nice hot dog and a beer. Neal: No thanks. Del: Just a hot dog then. Neal: I'm very picky about what I eat. Del: Some coffee? Milk? Soda? Tea? Life Savers? Slurpee? Neal: Sir, please. Del: Just let me know. I'm here. I knew I knew you!
21
Del: I've got two dollars and a Casio. Hotel Clerk: I'm afraid I'm going to have to say goodnight...
22
Del: You're in a pretty lousy mood, huh? Neal: To say the least. Del: You ever travel by bus before? [Neal shakes his head] Del: Hmm. Your mood's probably not going to improve much.
23
Del: I guess this is probably a good time as any to tell you this. Our tickets are only good to St. Louis. St. Louis to Chi-town is booked tighter than Tom Thumb's ass.
24
Car Rental Agent: [cheerfully] Welcome to Marathon, may I help you? Neal: Yes. Car Rental Agent: How may I help you? Neal: You can start by wiping that fucking dumbass smile off your rosy fucking cheeks! Then you can give me a fucking automobile: a fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick! Four fucking wheels and a seat!
25
Neal: [riding in back of pickup truck in freezing cold] What do you think the temperature is? Del: One.
26
[at breakfast Neal finds his wallet empty and gives Del a mean look] Del: What? Neal: You know goddamn well what! Del: I'm sorry I don't Neal: I had over 700 dollars in here. Del: I didn't touch your dough Neal. I'm a lot of things but I'm not a thief. Neal: Well you went into my stuff last night right? Del: I didn't take your money! and I don't care for the accusation. Neal: Well I had over 700 dollars in here and you went into my wallet for pizza. Just maybe when you went into my stuff you had to... Del: [Places his wallet on the table] Count it! Neal: Oh like you keep it in there if you stole it. Del: There's 263 dollars in there. If there's a dollar more then you can call me a thief. Just count it. Neal: [finds Del's wallet empty as wel] Empty. Del: WHAT? [Looks thru his wallet] Del: We were robbed! Neal: [Sarcastically] Do you think so?
27
[Neal and Del are watching their car burning and laughing] Neal: How could you rent the thing without a credit card anyway? I mean you could but how could you? Del: Oh I gave this gal behind the counter a set of shower curtain rings. [laughs] Neal: You can't rent a car with shower curtain rings Del. Del: [Stops laughing] Well... your diner's club card wound up in my wallet and I just... Neal: You STOLE it! Del: Not exactly. Neal: You stole it! I knew you stole it. You stole the card and then you rented a car and you burned it up! I knew you stole it. Del: No I didn't! I found it in my wallet! I thought maybe you put it there. Neal: WHY WOULD I PUT IT THERE? Del: Kindness. Neal: KINDNESS! KINDNESS! You stole it! He stole it! Del: No I didn't. I was going to send you the card back. With whatever the rental car charge was. Plus interest. But you didn't give me your address. You just ditched me! I had no cards. I had no money. I had nothing! Neal: [Grabs Del] Give it back! Del: I can't! Neal: Why not? Del: Because! Neal: Because why? Del: Because when we stopped to gas up. I put the card in your wallet. [Neal's wallet is in the glove compartment in the now burning car] Del: You're not mad at me are you? Neal: [Punches Del in the stomach and trips over his trunk]
28
Del: How about your bun? Neal: No, no it's too hard. Del: Sure? Del: [Del tries to get the old man's attention] Sir? Excuse me. Would you like a bun? Man on plane: [the man misunderstands Del] Oh it's fun. Flights fun. Del: [Del laughs] No no no, would you like the bun? Man on plane: Uh what's that? Del: I'm offering you a bun. Man on plane: Speak up! Del: Do you want the bun? Man on plane: No, I just got started! Neal: [Neal becomes frustrated and cuts in] He said do you want the bun. Man on plane: Oh yes, thank-you. [the man takes the bun] Del: There you go. How about another salad? [the man hands over his salad dish] Del: No no no, takes this salad he doesn't want any, he's not hungry. Some salad dressing. Man on plane: I'll have the brownie. Del: The brownie? Sure. Neal: No no no, I'd like that. Del: You want the brownie? He won't give you the brownie, he's got a sweet tooth. [Del whispers to Neal] Del: Isn't he a nice fella? [Just as Neal is about to eat his brownie, a woman in the seat in front of him pulls her hair back, covering his brownie] Del: I guess you're not going to want your brownie now? Neal: No. Del: No. Mind? [Del digs into the woman's hair, taking out the brownie. He offers some to the old man] Del: Would you like half? Man on plane: Oh would you? Del: Certainly. [Del gives the old man the brownie] Del: There you go, the big side.
Mooviees.com is not the official site for this film.
All editorial views and opinions expressed here are for entertainment purposes only.
Movie Database
In Theaters
