Topless woman: Are these the breasts of a forty year old? Friday: No ma'am. They're very impressive... bordering on spectacular.
[Joe Friday arrives] Pep Streebeck: Thank God, it's Friday!
"How could Jerry Caesar build a modern Gomorrah smack in the city where they recorded 'We Are the World'?" -- Sergeant Friday (Dan Aykroyd)
Joe Friday: Ma'am, what is the approximate dry weight of the average Madagascan fruit tree bat? Pep Streebeck: You mean you don't know?
Joe Friday: I don't care what undercover rock you crawled out from, there's a dress code for detectives in Robbery-Homicide. Section 3-605. 10. 20. 22. 24. 26. 50. 70. 80. It specifies: clean shirt, short hair, tie, pressed trousers, sports jacket or suit, and leather shoes, preferably with a high shine on them.
Joe Friday: Ah, sure, but just like every other foaming, rabid psycho in this city with a foolproof plan, you've forgotten you're facing the single finest fighting force ever assembled. Reverend Jonathan Whirley: The Israelis?
[Friday is about to eat a hot dog] Pep Streebeck: Do you have any idea what falls into an industrial sausage press, including rodent hairs and bug excrement? Joe Friday: I hate you, Streebeck.
Pep Streebeck: May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live.
Pep Streebeck: Are you crazy? Silvia Wiss wanted you. Friday: Now let me tell you something, Streebeck. There are two things that clearly differentiate the human species from animals. One, we use cutlery. Two, we're capable of controlling our sexual urges. Now, you might be an exception, but don't drag me down into your private Hell. Pep Streebeck: You've got a lot of repressed feelings, don't you, Friday? That must be what keeps your hair up.
Pep Streebeck: Well, Muzz, I guess it's just you, and... and me... and your balls... and this drawer.
Chemical Engineer: Basically, it causes burning in the eyes, nose, and throat. Induces vomiting and if continually inhaled, death! Pep Streebeck: [to Friday] Oh, sort of like your aftershave, huh?
Pep Streebeck: You know Friday, we're allowed to go 55. Sometimes even higher. Friday: Did it ever occur to you that by going eight miles an hour slower, we might save some gas and ease the burden on the poor taxpayers that pay our salaries. Pep Streebeck: A little gas isn't gonna put the city in hock and besides this looks bad, man.
Friday: Look out. Muppets.
Narrator: Your attention, please. The story you are about to see is true; the names have been changed to protect the innocent. For example: George Baker is now called "Sylvia Wiss. "
[Streebek hands over a broken phone to Friday] Pep Streebeck: It's for you. It's the president.
Joe Friday: Hold it right there, Whirley. Police officer, you're under arrest. Reverend Jonathan Whirley: I beg your pardon, what is this? Some kind of a feeble joke? Joe Friday: Oh, it's a real knee-slapper, friend, if you consider California Penal Code section 4A, 4207A, 597 and 217 Theft, Kidnapping, Cruelty to Animals and Attempted Murder something to laugh about. Reverend Jonathan Whirley: I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about. Joe Friday: My partner and I witnessed that little torchlight picnic you threw last night, we're gonna put you where your kind always ends up - in a seven by seven foot grey-green metal cage in the fifteenth floor of some hundred-year-old penitentiary, with damp, stinking walls and a wooden plank for a bed. Sure, this city isn't perfect, we need a smut-free life for all of our citizens; cleaner streets, better schools, and good hockey team. But the big difference between you and me, mister, is you made the promise, and I'm going to keep it. [everyone applauds]
Friday: Can you tell me how much a monthly run of your "magazine" is worth? Jerry Caesar: Well, let's just say it's more money than you'll ever see in your life. And I do that every month. Friday: At least my money is clean. Jerry Caesar: Tell you what you can do, Friday, before you go home and start polishing your pennies. Why don't you go out there and get my magazines back on the stands where they belong? Friday: Listen, hotshot. I'm gonna tell you something right now. I don't care for you or for the putrid sludge you're troweling out. But until they change the laws and put you sleaze kings out of business, my job is to help you get back your stenchering boxes of smut. And since I'll be doing it holding my nose, I'll be doing it with one hand.
Caesar Mansion intercom: Oh, thank God, vibrator repair! Friday: No, ma'am, LAPD.
Pep Streebeck: Well, what a pleasant surprise... Grannie Friday... Friday: Not that it's any of your business, she's my maternal grandmother, her name is Mundy.
Captain Gannon: Frank won't be coming into work today Joe. Friday: 24 hour virus? Captain Gannon: Or tomorrow. Friday: 48 hour? Captain Gannon: Frank quit, bought a goat farm...
[Friday's car was stolen] Friday: With the exception of you and canned cling peaches, I'd find it hard to find anyone or anything that doesn't know you should never leave your car keys in the ignition. Pep Streebeck: It's called a mistake, Friday. But I guess you never make any of those, do you? Captain Gannon: Friday, Streebeck, we've got another one. Chemical train hijack down at the freight yards. Damn Pagans must be living on No-Doz! Friday: Yessir, Captain. We'll roll as soon as we requisition a new... Captain Gannon: Oh, one more thing. Police and fire departments all over the county are reporting vehicles stolen. So keep an eye on your car.
Connie Swail: [commenting on Streebeck's gun to Friday] Why is his so much bigger than yours? Joe Friday: I've never needed more, ma'am.
Pep Streebeck: Hey partner. I tried to call you up til midnight. I didn't know the Christian Science reading rooms stayed open so late. Joe Friday: Not that it's any of your business, but I spend the evening in the company of Connie Swail. Pep Streebeck: Don't you mean "the Virgin Connie Swail"? [Friday looks at Streebeck as the Dragnet theme starts] Pep Streebeck: Wait a minute!
Joe Friday: After losing the two previous vehicles we had been issued, the only car the department was willing to release to us at this point was an unmarked 1987 Yugo, a Yugoslavian import donated to the department as a test vehicle by the government of that country and reflecting the cutting edge of Serbo-Croatian technology.
[the detective's car has just been blown up] Joe Friday: My hat was in that car. Pep Streebeck: I bet you can guess who blocked it for you.
Joe Friday: [looking at a lion who's mane has been shaved into a mohawk] Somebody must have wanted that lion's mane pretty bad to pull a twisted stunt like that. Pep Streebeck: Although, as mohawks go it's not that bad. It'll grow back. Joe Friday: Yeah, and how do you tell that to these kids here who have never seen a lion before and now probably won't have the desire to ever see one again. Pep Streebeck: Kids, it'll grow back. [kids cheer]
Enid Borden: The magazines and papers were his down in the trash. No cheques or money, I looked. I should have thrown it all in the river the day he left but unlike some people I have a heart, goddamnit, the miserable little bag of puke. Joe Friday: I think we're finished here, don't you Detective Streebeck?
Pep Streebeck: Look Muzz, we've got you on 87 violations of the motor vehicle code, it's only a matter of time before we tie you into one of those PAGAN jobs, not to mention that you stole your landlady's wedding dress which so far is the only endearing thing about you. So why don't you talk to us?
Captain Gannon: Friday, do you have any idea what time it is? Joe Friday: Yes sir. Pep Streebeck: Oh, don't ask him that, Captain. Joe Friday: It's 4:27am, sir. Pep Streebeck: He lives for that.
Pep Streebeck: You know Friday, I think you and the Commissioner would make a cute couple. Like the way you both keep your jaws locked, plus the two of you do share that curious affection for hats. Joe Friday: May I remind you that only this morning Commissioner Kirkpatrick threatened to turn me into a... civilian. Pep Streebeck: Yeah, there was was a gleam in her eye though.
Pep Streebeck: This guy knows God personally, I hear they play racquetball together. Joe Friday: Well, just go ahead and chuckle away, mister. I don't hear God laughing. Pep Streebeck: You will, once he sees your haircut.
Joe Friday: [reading from notebook during high speed chase] "Reckless endangerment of human life, willful disregard of private property, failure to signal for a..." Pep Streebeck: Yeah, he's really raking up the violations, isn't he. Joe Friday: Not him, you. This is your one way ticket back to civilian life, Mr. I-Like-To-Throw-The-Book-Out-The-Window. Pep Streebeck: That's a good idea. [throws book out the window]
Granny Mundy: Do join us, Detective Swayback. Joe Friday: Streebeck. Pep Streebeck: Pep.
Pep Streebeck: You know, Muzz, you have the right to remain silent. If you give up the right to remain silent any thing you will... you know these words, Muzz. Sing along! [Rapping] Pep Streebeck: Anything you say will be used against you in a court of law!
Joe Friday: [about Reverend Jonathan Whirley] And he'd better tell me where Connie is or I'll shove that collar so far down his throat I'll have to take off his shoes to ring his neck! Pep Streebeck: Friday, listen to yourself! You're not thinking like a cop any more, you're thinking like a man in love!
Joe Friday: "Prepare the virgin"? I don't like the sound of that. Pep Streebeck: Let's just hope they're not referring to you.
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