Donkey: [to Puss-in-Boots] I'm sorry, the position of annoying talking animal has already been filled.
(57 votes)
2
Gingerbread Man: Fire up the ovens, Muffin Man! We got a big order to fill.
(50 votes)
3
Donkey: Pray for mercy, from Puss! Puss-in-Boots: And Donkey!
(45 votes)
4
Shrek: Donkey, think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you. Donkey: Oh, man! Where do I begin? First there was the time the farmer traded me for some magic beans. I ain't never gotten over that. Then this fool went off and had a party, and they all starting trying to pin a tail on me. Then they all got drunk, and started hitting me with sticks, yelling "Piñata! Piñata!" What the hell is a piñata, anyway?
(38 votes)
5
Princess Fiona: Is that glitter on your lips? Prince Charming: Yes, cherry flavored. Want a taste?
(39 votes)
6
Fairy Godmother: I don't care whose fault this was, just get it sorted! And could someone please bring me something deep fat fried and smothered in chocolate...
(7 votes)
7
[Shrek, Fiona, Fiona's Mum and Dad and Donkey are arguing at the table] Queen: Harold! Princess Fiona: Shrek! Shrek: Fiona... King: Fiona! Princess Fiona: Mum! Queen: Harold! Donkey: [happily] Donkey!
(4 votes)
8
Gingerbread Man: IT'S ALIVE!
(3 votes)
9
[Shrek steals two noblemen's clothes] Shrek: Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you, unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
(3 votes)
10
Puss-in-Boots: Fear me, if you dare.
(3 votes)
11
Donkey: You're supposed to say "You have the right to remain silent!". No one said I have the right to remain silent! Shrek: Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack, is the capacity.
(2 votes)
12
Puss-in-Boots: Pray for mercy from Puss... in boots.
(2 votes)
13
Mongo: [drowning] Be good.
(2 votes)
14
Princess Fiona: I want what any princess wants - to live happily ever after... with the *ogre* I married.
(2 votes)
15
[after discovering Shrek must kiss his true love for his transformation to be permanent] Maiden #1: I can be your true love! Maiden #2: I can be your true love! Maiden #3: I can be true... enough!
(2 votes)
16
Puss-in-Boots: [to Shrek] I too was concocting this very same plan, already our minds are becoming one!
(2 votes)
17
Puss-in-Boots: [Shrek and Donkey are arguing in prison] I must hold on before I too go totally mad. Pinocchio: [Pinochio, the Gingerbread Man, the Pigs and Mice have all shown up] Shrek? Donkey? Puss-in-Boots: Too late.
(1 vote)
18
Shrek: Do you still know the Muffin Man? Gingerbread Man: Yes, he's down on Drury Lane. Why? Shrek: Because we're going to need flour. Lots and lots of flour.
(1 vote)
19
King: [Donkey sits at the table] No, no! Bad donkey! Bad, bad donkey! Princess Fiona: It's okay, dad. He's with us. He helped rescue me from the tower. Donkey: Yup, that's me, the noble steed. Hey waiter! How 'bout a bowl for the steed?
(1 vote)
20
[convincing Donkey to let Puss come with them] Shrek: How many cats can wear boots? Honestly?...
21
Queen: So, Fiona. Tell me about your new home. Shrek: Well, Shrek owns his own land. Right, honey? Shrek: Yes. It's in an... enchanted forest, abundant in squirrels, and cute little duckies... Donkey: What? [laughs] Donkey: I know you ain't talking about the swamp. Shrek: Donkey... King: An ogre from a swamp. How original. Queen: I guess that's a fine place to raise the children. [both Shrek and the King choke; Shrek coughs up his spoon] Shrek: It's a little early to be thinking about that, isn't it? King: Indeed! I had just started eating.
22
Donkey: [as he stands on an elevating stage with a mic] Puss and Donkey y'all.
23
Puss-in-Boots: Hey! Isn't we supposed to be having a fiesta?
24
King: So I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be... Shrek: Ogres! Yes! Queen: Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, Harold? King: Oh, no, no. Of course not! That's assuming you don't eat your own young. Princess Fiona: Dad! Shrek: Oh, no, we usually prefer the ones who have been locked away in the tower. Princess Fiona: Shrek, please! King: I only did that because I love her! Shrek: Oh, yeah! Daycare or dragon-guarded castle!
25
Puss-in-Boots: Ah-ha-ha!... [cough - hack - cough] Puss-in-Boots: He he... Hairball. Donkey: Oh, that is nasty!
26
Donkey: I mean, how good looking could this Prince Charming guy be anyway? The Ugly Stepsister: Are you kiddin'? He's gorgeous! His face looks like it was carved by angels. Puss-in-Boots: Hmmm... he sounds dreamy.
27
Shrek: [about the trumpeters and messenger who gave Shrek and Fiona the invitation] How do you explain Sgt. Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band?
28
Cedric: Can I help you, your majesty? King: Ah, yes, um... Mmm, exquisite. What do you call this dish? Cedric: That would be the dog's breakfast, your majesty. King: Ah, yes! Very good, uh... Carry on, Cedric.
29
Shrek: Aww, look at him, in his wee lil' boots! I mean, how many cats can wear boots? Honestly?
30
[Shrek has grabbed Puss-in-boots] Donkey: I say we take the sword and neuter him right here! Give him the Bob Barker treatment!
31
Shrek: Oh, look! A little cat. [Puss-in-boots brandishes his sword] Donkey: Look out, Shrek, he got a piece!
32
[Shrek is depressed because Fiona's father wants to kill him] Donkey: Oh, don't feel bad, Shrek. Almost everybody who meets you wants to kill you.
33
[hanging from Fairy Godmother's feet and looking up] Pig: I see London, I see France...
34
Donkey: [to Puss] If we ever need an expert on licking ourselves, we'll give you a call.
35
[to handsome Shrek] Girl #1: You look tense. Do you need me to rub your shoulders? Girl #2: I wanna rub his shoulders! Girl #3: Now I don't have anything to rub!
36
Puss-in-Boots: [gets a look from Shrek and Donkey after agreeing Shrek should be a Prince Charming] Sorry. I thought that question was directed at me.
37
[after Shrek, Donkey and Puss stumble upon a factory with multi-colored smokestacks] Donkey: Oh, no! That's the old Keebler's place! Let's just walk away slowly. Puss-in-Boots: That's the Fairy Godmother's cottage. She is the largest producer of hexes and potions in the whole kingdom. Shrek: So why don't we drop in for a spell? Ha, ha! Spell!
38
Queen: Oh, stop being such a drama king!
39
[upon arriving at Far Far Away] Shrek: We are definitly not in the swamp anymore.
40
Shrek: [to Donkey] For five minutes, can you not be yourself?
41
Chef: Bon appétit! Donkey: Oh, Mexican food! My favorite.
42
[Harold takes the spell meant for Shrek, and is blasted until only his armour remains] Princess Fiona: Oh, Dad... Queen: Harold... Pinocchio: Is he...oh... [there's a "ribbit"] Gingerbread Man: He croaked... [Harold, the Frog King, clambers out of his armour] Queen: ...Harold? Princess Fiona: ...Dad? King: [sighs] I had hoped you would never see me like this... Donkey: [to Shrek] Huh - and he gave *you* a hard time! Shrek: Donkey! King: No, no, he's right - I'm sorry, to both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona, but I can see now she already has it. Shrek, Fiona - will you accept an old frog's apologies, and my blessing? [Shrek and Fiona bow their heads in assent] Queen: Harold... King: I'm sorry, Lillian - I just wish I could be the man that you deserve... Queen: [taking him in her hand] You're more that man today than you ever were - warts and all...
43
[King Harold turns up with two cups of tea - the one for Fiona filed with love potion...] King: Darling? Ah, I thought I might find you here - how about a nice hot cup of tea before the ball... Princess Fiona: I'm not going. King: B-b-but the whole kingdom's turned out to celebrate your marriage! Princess Fiona: There's just one problem - that's not my husband. I mean, look at him! [they both watch Charming, showing off in front of everyone] King: Yes, he is a bit different, but people do change for the ones they love - you'd be surprised how much I changed for your mother... Princess Fiona: *Change*? He's completely lost his mind! King: Darling, why not come down to the ball and give him another chance - I mean, you might find you like this new Shrek... Princess Fiona: But it's the *old* one I fell in love with, Dad - I'd give anything to have him back... [she reaches for her tea...] King: [taking her cup] Darling, that's mine! Decaf... otherwise I'm up all night! [Fiona drinks the normal cup of tea]
44
Donkey: [repeatedly] Are we there yet?
45
Donkey: Are we there yet? Shrek: Yes Donkey: Really? Shrek: No!
46
Fairy Godmother: I told you ogres don't live happily ever after!
47
Shrek: Go on, say it.
48
Receptionist: Look, the Fairy Godmother does not want any visitors. Shrek: That's okay, pal. We're from the union. Receptionist: Union? Shrek: We represent the workers in all magical industries, both evil and benign. Are you happy here? Receptionist: Maybe. Shrek: Are you feeling at all neglected or oppressed? Receptionist: A little. We don't even have dental. Shrek: They don't even have dental. All right, we're gonna have a look around. And buddy, it would be best if the Fairy Godmother doesn't know about this. Hmm? Donkey: Hmm? Shrek: Hmm? Donkey: Huh? Huh? Huh? Shrek: Stop it.
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