Pastor Dan Parker: I'm a sexy man of God, and I know it.
(41 votes)
2
Audrey Davis: [Audrey asks after Jenny bursts into the motel room she is in with BZ] Aunt Jenny? What are you doing here? How did you find me? Jenny Portman: You have ten seconds to get your things together and get in the car. Jenny Portman: [to BZ who has just come out of the bathroom] Stay! Ten -... Audrey Davis: You're not my mother, if you haven't noticed! Jenny Portman: No! But I love you very much, and I will be your worst nightmare if you don't get in that car now! Seven, six... BZ: But we're not ready to go yet. Jenny Portman: Oh, you're not ready? Well... Well, are you ready for this? [Jenny who is pregnant motions to her stomach] Jenny Portman: I don't think so. Are you ready to be a parent? I don't think so! Jenny Portman: [to Audrey] Four, three... Audrey Davis: Are you happy? You've just ruined my entire life! Jenny Portman: Well, we'll fix it later! Two... [back to BZ] Jenny Portman: You! BZ: Chill out, Mommy. Jenny Portman: Hey! BZ: It's all good. Jenny Portman: [cutting in] Don't you talk to me like that! BZ: It's just a prom. Jenny Portman: [cutting in more] You listen to me. If you ever so much as blink in her direction again, I can and will bury you so far in the ground that the heat from the earth's core will incinerate your sorry ass!
(28 votes)
3
Ed Portman: Maybe it's a celebrity, coming to knit with you!
(22 votes)
4
Jenny Portman: I think this is lead paint, kids don't chew the windowsill Helen Harris: Yeah stick to the table legs like I taught you
(22 votes)
5
Henry Davis: How'd he get past the visual security system?
(22 votes)
6
Landlord: I am only available between eight thirty and nine in the morning because I have a life.
(5 votes)
7
Gary Hagelnick: I don't do nude!... any more.
(2 votes)
8
[Helen starts to read Jenny's letter from Lindsay] Helen Harris: Dear Jenny, If you're reading this, you know that I'm gone. And I asked Helen to be the guardian for the kids. Lindsay Davis: [voiceover] And you're probably freaked about it. Yes, it's a surprising choice, considering that you are the most incredible mother I've ever known. If you find this letter odd, understand that my "always be prepared" Paul convinced me to write it now while our children are young. You must know from experience that when it comes to picking somebody else to raise your kids, no one seems right. No one is you. And so you choose someone who is most like you. Someone that will give the kids a taste of their real mom, the mom they lost and never really got to know. In so many ways, we are so much alike, that's why I chose Helen. Of course, she'll have lots of fights with the kids, yet she'll find a way to make up. I know sometimes she messes things up and makes big mistakes. On the other hand, she also makes big comebacks. Respect her Jenny. Give her a shot. We're family and I'm counting on you to keep everyone together. I know, Helen will certainly need some help learning how to be a mother to my kids, but I've got you for that. And who could be better? After all, you raised Helen, you'll teach her how to be a mom. Just like you taught her how to tie her shoes. I can still hear you telling her, "The bunny goes around the tree, and into the burrow... Helen Harris: [watches Sarah tie her shoe] Pull tight.
9
Audrey Davis: You treat me like a child, I am not a child! Helen Harris: Yes, you are, you are a child, and you deserve a childhood... and if you won't fight for it, then I will. Now, can I please have your fake I.D. Audrey Davis: Why? Helen Harris: Because I said so, give me your fake I.D. Audrey Davis: [gets fake I.D. out of her purse and throws it at Helen] Helen Harris: That was very adult of you Audrey Davis: [shouts] I thought you were on my side, but you're just like her. Audrey Davis: [points at Aunt Jenny] Audrey Davis: [shouts] I hate you, do you hear me, I hate you! Helen Harris: Well, I guess we are just gonna have to learn to live with that
10
Sarah Davis: It smells like mommy in here.
11
Fashion Show Security: [speaking into headset] Model down! I repeat: we have a model down!
12
Audrey Davis: What about lunch Helen Harris: Eat it, its healthy Audrey Davis: No, I mean we don't have any Helen Harris: I'll take care of it
13
Helen Harris: Henry, we have to go, stop brushing your teeth! They're gonna fall out.
14
Helen Harris: Audrey other people have to use the bathroom. Henry Davis: [sarcastically] Fire, fire.
15
Helen Harris: A hippo is a Lutheran.
16
Pastor Dan Parker: [knocks on the door] Cable guy! Helen Harris: [whispering] It's the Exorcist!
17
Sarah Davis: I want this bed! Henry Davis: Look, for the tenth time, in the old house, I had this bed and you had that bed. Sarah Davis: But I want THIS bed. Henry Davis: That's it, Hippo goes out the window! Sarah Davis: Followed by Irwin!
18
Mickey Massey: She gets a ham!
19
Mickey Massey: [over the PA system after Helen hijacks his car] Helen, I think you misunderstood!
20
Helen Harris: See you at Vespers. Pastor Dan Parker: Do you know what Vespers is? Helen Harris: Some kind of scooter? Pastor Dan Parker: Close enough.
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