Other Titles • Ruthless People • Die Unglaubliche Entführung der Verrückten Mrs. Stone (1986)
Quotes from Ruthless People (1986)
1
Barbara: Oh my God! I've been kidnapped by Huey and Dewey!
(17 votes)
2
Barbara: So, when do I get out of here? Sandy: As soon as Mr. Stone pays the ransom. Barbara: What's the problem? What is the ransom? Sandy: Well, we asked for $500,000. Barbara: That should be no problem. Sandy: He wouldn't pay. Barbara: He wouldn't pay? Sandy: Then we asked him for $50,000. Barbara: Yeah? Sandy: He still wouldn't pay. So now we're lowering our price to $10,000. Barbara: Do I understand this correctly? I'm being marked down? [Starts crying] Barbara: I've been kidnapped by K-Mart!
(15 votes)
3
[Complaining about his wife's wealthy father] Sam Stone: They pulled the plug on him. He wheezed and shook for about an hour and then... he stabilized. That son-of-a-bitch just got older and sicker, and older and sicker, AND OLDER AND SICKER...!
(15 votes)
4
[Barbara has been kidnaped] Barbara: My husband worships the ground I walk on! When he hears about this, he will *explode*! [Meanwhile, Sam Stone pops a champagne cork with glee] Sam Stone: Bye-bye, Barbara!
(15 votes)
5
[Introducing his wife's toy poodle to his new Doberman pinscher] Sam Stone: Muffy, meet Adolph. Adolph, EAT MUFFY!
(15 votes)
6
Barbara: So, if I look like his mother and you look like his father, this is what our son would look like. Pretty strong argument for birth control.
7
Lt. Bender: GIVE THE BAG TO BOZO, DROP THE GUN, AND PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR. Earl Mott: Who said that? Lt. Walters: This could very well be the stupidest person on the face of the earth. Perhaps we should shoot him. Lt. Bender: IT'S THE POLICE DEPARTMENT. Earl Mott: Really? Lt. Bender: NO! WE'RE THE NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION!
8
[about his wife and his plan to murder her] Sam Stone: I had to live with that squealing, corpulent little toad all these years. God, I hate that woman. I - I - I hate the way she licks stamps! I hate her furniture! And I hate that little sound she makes when she sleeps. [Sam imitates a whining nasal sound] Sam Stone: Ugh! And that filthy little shitbag dog of hers..."Muffy"! Carol: Aren't you scared? Sam Stone: Scared? Hell, no. I'm looking FORWARD to it. My only regret, Carol, is that the plan isn't more violent.
9
Ken Kessler: I mean, what the hell's the point of being a decent person when no-one is?
10
Ken Kessler: [watching TV] It's on every goddamn channel! What did he do? Hire a publicist?
11
Barbara: Aw gee whiz, that really sucks. I'm a real aficionado of death camp cuisine.
12
[the moment the gag is out of her mouth] Barbara: YOU'VE FUCKED WITH THE WRONG PERSON! My husband does business with the Mafia! When they track you down, you, your entire family, everyone you ever KNEW will all get chainsaw enemas!
13
Sandy: I don't think he loves her. Ken Kessler: Well, let's face it, she's not Mother Teresa. Gandhi would have strangled her.
14
Sam Stone: [answering the phone] Hello? Debbie? Yeah, Debbie's here, who's this? Well, Ralph, uh, Debbie can't talk right now, my dick's in her mouth. How about if I have her call you back later when I'm done? [hangs up and laughs] Sam Stone: I love wrong numbers.
15
Policeman: Sam Stone, you're under arrest. Sam Stone: For mixing cotton with silk?
16
Ken Kessler: Sandy, it's over. Sam isn't going to pay the ransom, he couldn't care less. I'm no criminal. I can't even sell retail, and that's legal!
17
Carol: You get that tape of Sam Stone finishing off his wife, and that man will give us anything we want for the rest of his life! Earl Mott: Yeah! Then we're off to Haiti. Carol: Not Haiti, Tahiti! Earl Mott: Oh, I knew that.
18
Sam Stone: What's this phone call about? Ken Kessler: We call to make you an offer. An offer you can't refuse. Sam Stone: Low? Ken Kessler: Yeah, $10,000. Sam Stone: Fat chance! Ken Kessler: Mr. Stone, this is no joke! We're desperate people! We... Sam Stone: Time out! I believe this is a joke pal and you're it! The last time we spoke you said my wife would be in the morgue if I didn't pay. Well, I didn't pay and just today I was at the morgue and she wasn't there. You lied to me! You know what I think? Ken Kessler: [beat] No. Sam Stone: You got no nuts! What do I have to do? Put a gun in your hand, aim and pull your finger down you spineless wimp! I dare you to kill her! [Sam hangs up] Sam Stone: Now that oughta do it!
19
Carol: Either the chief is a complete moron and complete morons are rare... [she looks up at Earl Mott, a "complete moron"] Carol: Or he's playing games with me!
20
Sam Stone: A bad salesman will automatically drop his price. Bad salesmen make me sick. [Later, Ken calls Sam, who says he doesn't have enough money for the ransom] Ken Kessler: Well, what about... less? Sam Stone: [covers the phone] You make me sick.
21
[Sam is on the phone to an attack-dog company] Sam Stone: Yes, your attack dogs. Do they just attack people or can you get them to attack little dogs? [listening] Sam Stone: Well, what if you starve them for a while?
22
[One of the policemen notices a puddle on the floor of the mansion and takes a taste. Sam quickly explains] Sam Stone: It's the dog. She's not properly house-trained. [the other policemen look disgusted] Policeman: No. It's sweet. Sam Stone: The dog's a little diabetic.
23
Ken Kessler: What can we deprive Sam of that would really get to the core of his being? Barbara: HIS TESTICLES!
24
Earl Mott: Did you just shoot at me? Ken Kessler: No, there's police men everywhere. Earl Mott: Do you think that I look that stupid? Ken Kessler: Yes, you do!
25
Barbara: It could mean the difference between life, and the electric chair. [makes electrocution sound] Barbara: Or the gas chamber. [makes hissing and gasping sounds] Barbara: Or maybe it will be the firing squad. And you know what, they miss all the major arteries. Bang! [acts like she's been shot] Barbara: And you don't die right away, you're kinda just left hanging on... bleeding... BLEEDING...
26
Sam Stone: I'm not asking you to screw the dog, Carol. It's for me.!
27
Ken Kessler: [trying to sell a new stereo system to a teenage couple... before he realizes they're expecting a baby] ... Check it out! Thirty feet of thigh-slapping, blood-pumping nuclear brain damage! If you can't afford it, FINANCE IT! And here's the best part: when you die, they can BURY you in it!
28
Sam Stone: [as bystanders jump off the Santa Monica Pier and into the bay, to grab the ransom cash Sam just paid] Hey! Get away from there! That's not your money! That's my money! [grabs a nearby police officer] Sam Stone: STOP 'EM! [throws him off the pier and into the bay]
29
Earl Mott: [discovering that his fish are dead] Crockett and Tubbs... they're floatin'!
30
Ken Kessler: Tell us what's in the safe! Barbara: I don't know! Barbara: [Ken presses a tofu-burger into a hot frying pan to make Sam think that Barbara's being tortured] AAAAAH! Barbara: [Ken presses again] AAAAAH! Barbara: [Ken presses again, harder and longer this time] AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH... FOUR FLAWLESS ONE CARAT DIAMONDS! Sam Stone: [covers mouthpiece of phone on his end] The bitch blabbed!
31
Sam Stone: [sees Muffy and Adolph with his tuxedo pants] My tuxedo pants. Et tu Adolph? Et tu?
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