John Smith: I guess that's what happens in the end, you start thinking about the beginning.
(131 votes)
2
Jane Smith}: [after shooting through a wall at John] Still alive, baby?
(125 votes)
3
Marriage Counselor: How often do you have sex? Jane Smith: I don't understand the question.
(119 votes)
4
John Smith: [after Jane escapes on a high wire] Chicken shit! Jane Smith: Pussy!
(125 votes)
5
Jane Smith: Happy endings are just stories that haven't finished.
(116 votes)
6
Eddie: [brandishing gun] Mom! We're on high alert here. I almost killed you! Right then! You don't even know!
(20 votes)
7
John Smith: [during a car chase] I never told you, but I was married once before. Jane Smith: [slams on the brakes] John Smith: What's wrong with you? Jane Smith: [hitting John] You're what's wrong with me John. John Smith: It was just a drunken Vegas thing. Jane Smith: Oh, that's better. That's *much* better. [pause] Jane Smith: What's her name and social security number? John Smith: No, you're not gonna kill her.
(19 votes)
8
John Smith: [at marriage counseling] Ask us the sex question. Jane Smith: [whispers] John. John Smith: [softly with his fingers out for ten] Ten.
(9 votes)
9
Mom #1: Eddie? Eddie: [shouts] Mom! We are on high alert here. I almost killed you right there!
(9 votes)
10
John Smith: How many? Ok... I'll go first, then. I don't keep exact count, but I'd say, uh, high 50s, low 60s. I mean, I know I've been around the block an all, but... Jane Smith: 312. John Smith: What? How? Jane Smith: Some were two at a time.
(8 votes)
11
John Smith: Does that include weekends? [when asked how many times they have sex]
(6 votes)
12
[about the new curtains Jane bought] Jane Smith: If you don't like them we can take them back. John Smith: All right, I don't like them. Jane Smith: [pause] You'll get used to them.
(6 votes)
13
[from trailer] John Smith: Come to Daddy. Jane Smith: [after she bashes him with a tablecloth-ensconced silver teapot and headbutts him] Who's your Daddy now?
(7 votes)
14
Jane Smith: There's this huge space between us, and it just keeps filling up with everything that we *don't* say to each other. What's that called? Marriage Counselor: Marriage.
(5 votes)
15
John Smith: [after his wife checks his crotch for a weapon] That's all John, sweetheart.
(6 votes)
16
John Smith: [angry that Benjamin had blown their cover] You burn the picture after you get the assignment! It's the first thing you learn! Benjamin: Oh, I must have missed that day. Just like you missed the day of don't marry the enemy.
(5 votes)
17
John Smith: You looked like Christmas morning.
(4 votes)
18
John Smith: [searching for Jane, holding a pistol] Sweetheart...!
(5 votes)
19
John Smith: Your aim's as bad as your cooking sweetheart... and that's saying something!
(4 votes)
20
Jane Smith: My parents died when I was five. I'm an orphan. John Smith: Who was that kind fellow who gave you away at our wedding? Jane Smith: Paid actor. John Smith: I said, I said I saw your dad on "Fantasy Island"!
(3 votes)
21
Jane Smith: We re-did the house.
(3 votes)
22
Eddie: Tempting but I don't get out of bed for less than half a million dollars.
(2 votes)
23
John Smith: [both pointing guns at each other; John drops his] You want it? It's yours. Jane Smith: Don't! C'mon! C'mon!
(2 votes)
24
Benjamin: [while in the middle of the desert] Oh, look. More desert.
(2 votes)
25
[both have discovered that they were on the desert and one tried to kill the other] John Smith: I missed you. Jane Smith: I missed you too.
(2 votes)
26
Benjamin: [while being interrogated and tortured by John Smith] Can I have a soda or a juice or... [Jane hits him with the telephone] John Smith: Ok, that was a nice shot.
(2 votes)
27
Eddie: I live with my mom because I choose to. She's the only woman I've ever trusted.
(2 votes)
28
Marriage Counselor: One a scale of one to ten, how would you rate the happiness of your marriage? Jane Smith: 8. John Smith: Wait. Could you clarify? Is 10 the highest? 10 being perfectly happy and 1 being totally miserable or... Marriage Counselor: Just respond instinctively. John Smith: Ok. Ready? Jane Smith, John Smith: 8.
(3 votes)
29
John Smith: We're going to have to re-do every conversation we've ever had.
(3 votes)
30
John Smith: [after tripping into a fence and accidentally firing a shot at his wife] Oh, dear God!
(2 votes)
31
John Smith: [hitman from the BMW opens the van's left door. John opens the other van door and yanks the hitman through] These doors are handy.
(2 votes)
32
John Smith: [after he finds out that Jane stole all of his guns] Bitch.
(2 votes)
33
Girls walking by House: What's going on, Mrs. Smith? Jane Smith: Garden party, girls.
(2 votes)
34
John Smith: Web of lies!
(1 vote)
35
Jane Smith: That vacation in Aspen, you left early, why? John Smith: Jean-Luc Gaspard. Jane Smith: Damn, I wanted him. John Smith: I got it.
(1 vote)
36
Jane Smith: There's nowhere I'd rather be than here with you.
(1 vote)
37
John Smith: Option A: You talk, we listen, no pain. Option B: You don't talk, I remove your thumbs with my pliers, it will hurt. Option C: I like to vary the details but the punchline... you die.
(1 vote)
38
John Smith: We have an unusual problem here, Jane. You obviously want me dead, and I'm less and less concerned for your well-being.
(1 vote)
39
John Smith: Hiya, stranger. Jane Smith: Hiya back.
(1 vote)
40
John Smith: Dance with me. Jane Smith: You don't dance. John Smith: It was just my cover, sweetheart. Jane Smith: Was sloth your cover too?
41
John Smith: [after firing a rocket launcher] We should so not be allowed to buy these.
42
Eddie: Tell me you got smart and that you killed that lying bitch. Jane Smith: This lying bitch? Eddie: Guess that was just wishful thinking.
43
Jasmine: Jane, it's your husband!
44
[John has just returned from shooting Lucky at the bar] Jane Smith: Where've you been? John Smith: I just went down to the sports bar. Put a little money on the game. Jane Smith: How'd you do? John Smith: I got Lucky.
45
Jane Smith: You ever have trouble sleeping after? John Smith: No. Jane Smith: Me neither.
46
Jane Smith: To dodging bullets.
47
Lucky: What? You're looking for a job or something? John Smith: You are the job. [John kills everybody in the room] John Smith: [looking at the cards at the table] Pair of threes.
48
Eddie: This broad is not your wife, she's the enemy. John Smith: She tried to kill me. Eddie: They all try to kill you. Slowly, painfully, cripplingly, and then wham. They hurt you. How you going to handle it? John Smith: [grabs assault rifle] I'm going to borrow this. Eddie: I like where your head's at, man.
49
[first lines] John Smith: ok, I'll go first. let me see... um... We don't really need to be hear. See, we've been married for five years. Jane Smith: Six. John Smith: [chastened] Five, six years.
50
Jane Smith: [referring to the pursuing cars] They're bulletproof! John Smith: [having not heard and shot at the cars] They're bulletproof!
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