Donny: [singing] Scotty doesn't know that Fiona and me do it in my van every Sunday. She tells him she's in church but she doesn't go, still she's on her knees and Scotty doesn't know!
(23 votes)
4
Cooper: Oh, here it is. Bratislava. Hmm. Capital of Slovakia. Oh, here's a fun fact: You made out with your sister, man!
(19 votes)
5
Cooper: [jumps into the hot tub with Candy in it] Oh, crap! This isn't where I parked my car! Candy: Cooper Harris, you're a pig! [starts getting out] Cooper: Candy, wait. You've got something on you. Candy: [looks around] Where? Cooper: Like right here. Candy: [uncovers her breasts] Where?
(17 votes)
6
Hostel Clerk: Hello, and welcome to Amsterdam's finest and most luxurious youth hostel. We feature one medium sized room containing 70 beds which can sleep up to 375 bodies a night. There is no bathroom. Nor is there one nearby. If you do not wish to have your valuables stolen I suggest destroying them or discarding them right now. You can also try hiding your valuables. In your anus. This will deter some but of course not all thieves. Once you are inside, the doors are chained and locked from the outside. They will not be opened again until morning, no matter what. Should a fire occur due to our faulty wiring or, uh, the fireworks factory upstairs you will be incinerated along with the valuables that you have hidden in your anus. Tips are greatly appreciated.
(1 vote)
7
Scott: Cooper the hat, the hat! The hat is on fire! Cooper: Oh we don't need no water, let the mother...
(1 vote)
8
[repeated line] Cooper: This isn't where I parked my car.
(1 vote)
9
Scott: Mieke, I'm here! Mieke: [walks forward with a smile] Who are you?
(1 vote)
10
Cooper: All right. Stay black, Bert.
11
Jenny: Sorry to hear about Fiona. She's a whore. Scott: Well, that's very sweet of you. Thanks.
12
Scott: So, have you guys decided where you wanna go first? Jenny: Paris! I heard two years ago, Nicky Jager's sister, Debbie, met this wealthy French guy, and spent a mont sailing the Mediterranean on his yacht. Isn't that just the most romantic thing you've ever heard? Cooper: Stuck on a boat with a wierd French guy? That sounds a little gay. Jenny: It's not gay. I'm a girl. Scott: Kinda gay. Cooper: A little gay.
13
Candy: Is it off yet? Cooper: Fine, I'll do it. [starts reaching for Candy's breasts] Missy: [walks in with three jocks] Candy! Candy: [covers herself] Cooper! Cooper: [looks at the jocks] Hi. This isn't where I parked my car.
Scott: Excuse me. Mad Maynard: Hello boyo! Scott: So what the hell happened last night? Mad Maynard: You got steamed up, pissed as a fart. Too much sauce son.
16
Hooligan: So I tell the swamp donkey to sock it before I give her a trunky in the tradesman's entrance and have her lick me yardballs! [laughs] Cooper: Wow. You guys are on a completely different level of swearing here.
17
Fiona: Scott, I just can't take all the lying and cheating on each other any more. Scott: What are you talking about? Sweetie, I never cheated on you! Fiona: I know. That's what makes this so hard.
18
Cooper: [pretending to be reading Jamie's Frommers Guidebook, but looks at Jamie] Oh, here's a fun fact... you made out your sister, man! Jamie: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
19
Cooper: So, what's the etiquette on boners here? Do I role over and dig a hole out or just let my flag fly?
20
Cooper: You should see that picture, it makes all the girls in our high school look like walruses. Jenny: I'm a girl from our high school.
21
Waiter: [Scottie tosses the waiter a nickel] Ah! A nickel! [waiter shows his manager] Waiter: You see this? [slaps the manager] Waiter: I quit. I open my own hotel.
22
Cooper: What the hell is that? Jamie: It's a traveler's money belt. Frommer's says if you have one of these, no-one can rob you of anything. Scott: Except your dignity. Jamie: No, you just put that in your... wait, what?
23
Scott: What happened to you last night? Jamie: I got robbed! It was awesome.
24
Cooper: This sucks, I didn't hook up with one European chick while I was here, Europe is officially the worst country in the world.
25
Italian Guy at Vatican: This is one crazy Pope!
26
Robot Man: Ow! My robot balls!
27
Robot Man: Ow! My balls! Error! Error! Error!
28
[Creepy Italian Guy massages Jamie's shoulders] Jamie: What-what the hell are you doing? Creepy Italian Guy: Oh, scuzi, mi scuzi.
29
[after taking a drink of Absinthe] Jamie: I gotta say, I'm not feeling anything. Cooper: Me neither. Scott: Sober as a judge. [to a hallucinatory green fairy] Scott: How about you? Green Fairy: I'm not feelin' a goddamn thing. This Absinthe is BULLSHIT!
30
Scott: A dollar and 83 cents American. What can we get for that? [cut to a lavish Slovak hotel] Scott: Gotta love that exchange rate!
31
Scott: They really are the worst twins ever.
32
Anna, The Camera Store Girl: I'm going on break. I was going to step out back and have a cigarette. Would you like to join me? Jamie: I don't smoke. Anna, The Camera Store Girl: Neither do I.
33
Scott: I'm in love with Mieke. Cooper: Okay, okay, you know what? I was actually expecting this, and frankly, no, listen, I'm flattered that you picked me to come out to first. And don't worry about telling your folks, 'cause I think they already know. Scott: No, you idiot. Mieke's a girl. Cooper: No, no, no, I get it, yeah. He's the girl, then you're the girl. Sometimes you're both the girl. [pause] Cooper: Right? Right? That's hot.
34
Mad Maynard: If you really are a member of the Manchester United Fan Club, sing the Manchester United song. Scott: Excuse me? I'm sorry. I'm really not that much of a singer... Mad Maynard: [slams a beer bottle on the floor] Sing! Scott: [Immediately begins singing] My baby takes the mornin' train. / He works from nine to five and then, / he takes another home again to find me... watching the Manchester United Football Team! Ah? The best freakin' team in all the land! Woo hoo!
35
Jamie: Do you guys wanna see my itinerary? Cooper: Do you wanna see my balls?
36
Jamie: [pulls out Frommer's guide book] And I've even planned every detail of the trip to maximize the fun! Scott: You brought a guide book to a party? Jamie: You wanna see my itinerary? Cooper: You wanna see my balls?
37
Scott: [Scott and Cooper after seeing Jamie and Jenny making out] Oh, my God! Green Fairy: That is some pretty fucked-up shit right there. Can you say what the fuck did I do last night?
38
Cooper: There have to be at least a hundred drunk girls here, and we should be trying to have sex with each and every one of them! Jenny: Hello. Mixed company? Cooper: What? Jenny: I'm a girl. Scott: No, you're not. Cooper: Yeah, you're just a cool guy with long hair.
39
Cooper: Show them the photo, Scotty. She makes every girl at our school look like a dog. Jenny: Hello? I'm a girl from you're school. Cooper: No, I mean ?girl? girl.
40
Jamie: I had to tutor lacrosse players to save up money to buy this. So nobody touches my camera, except me. Cooper: Oh, so it's like your weiner. Jamie: No, it's not like my- Jenny! Jenny: Cooper, stop.
41
Cooper: Okay, just as long as we can get out of here, ?cause this guys starting to creep me out. Scott: Who? Robot man? He's just trying to raise money to feed his robot family. Cooper: I don't care, I really don't like him. Scott: Why, ?cause he's doing this? [starts acting like a robot making robot noises] Cooper: Don't do that. Scott: [in a robot voice] Cooper, do not hate me.
42
Cooper: You still writing that guy? I thought that was for German class. Scott: At first it was, but we've become pretty good friends. He's actually a cool guy. Cooper: Scott, would ya listen to yourself? You met a ?cool guy" on the *Internet*. This is how these sexual predators work. First he's gonna want to arrange a meeting, then he's gonna kidnap you in the back of his van, then he's gonna make a wind chime out of your genitals.
43
Jamie: [to the tour group] This is amazing. Usually, they [the Vatican] Jamie: wait 15 days to elect a new Pope. We could be seeing history in the making Jenny: [to Herself] We could be seeing an arrest in the making.
44
Vatican Guard: [to Cooper, thinking he's mentally retarded] Have a very special day, for a very special person.
45
Pope: [seeing the "New Pope" on TV] What de hell?
46
Scott: Hey, thanks for coming with me. I know you had that internship at the law firm this summer. Cooper: Oh, forget about the law firm. And don't thank me, I should be thanking you. This trip is a once in a life-time opportunity for me to broaden my sexual horizons. Scott: What are you talking about? Cooper: I'm talking about crazy European sex. Scott: Ah.
47
Jamie: I spent the last four years tutoring a lacrosse player just to pay for it. So nobody touches my camera, but me! Cooper: So it's like your weiner. Jamie: No it's not like my...
48
Scott: There are so many... penises. Jamie: Frommer's tried to tell you. But you just didn't listen. Cooper: This is the biggest sausage fest on earth! Scott: It's the International House of Sausage!
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