Judy: [on the couch reading, sees Ted and Fred] Yes, boys? Fred Collins: Can we help you with anything? Ted Collins: Maybe intern with you? Judy: [pauses and stares] You can rub my feet if you want. [sticks foot in the air]
(7 votes)
2
Ted Collins: Thanks, but, uh, I've already had my mucous course for the day. Alice Collins: Listen, you shut your spit-cave you foul-mouthed little shit-fucker before I beat the living snot out of you.
(1 vote)
3
Kate Collins: [reading a letter from Ryan out loud] Did you really leave me again? After all the seasons I spent waiting, watching out the window, listening at the door, waiting for the news of your return? for the news that you realized that someone important was waiting for you. A whole lifetime I've been waiting. I can't believe you're not coming back. I can't believe I'm supposed to stop waiting. I can't believe you left me again... [ends letter] Kate Collins: Grandpa didn't leave because of you, it was because of you he kept coming back. I hope you all realize that.
(1 vote)
4
[about Alice smoking a joint] Judy: Oh-oh. She's adding ingredients to her personality.
5
Skip Collins: [Lucy and Alice are rolling on the floor, fighting. Skip is watching with interest] Okay okay, that's almost enough!
6
Fred Collins: [about to set his grandfather's casket on fire] Dad! Lighter! Skip Collins: Be careful, guys. I love this lighter.
7
Skip Collins: You don't throw a lemon at me in front of a lesbian!
8
Fred Collins: What the hell is that? Aunt Lily: It's your birthday cake. I was hoping it would be a surprise. Ted Collins: I'm more than surprised. I'm shocked! Fred Collins: This isn't what we ordered. Aunt Lily: You don't *order* your mother. I spent two days making... Ted Collins: We *ordered* an erotic cheesecake. Aunt Lily: Excuse me? Ted Collins: You're excused.
9
Alice Collins: [referring to Judy, Lucy's girlfriend] I really can't believe you brought her. Lucy Collins: Hello, Alice. Alice Collins: No, it's just, I thought you'd come alone. It's family. Lucy Collins: Are you starting already? Alice Collins: Oh, no, no, no. Its just it didn't occur to me to bring my sex toy. Did you bring any sex toys? Lucy Collins: You wouldn't know a sex toy if it left a battery in your vagina.
10
Skip Collins: Don't worry. Don't worry about Alice, she? you think she's gone, she comes back. Like herpes. Judy: Thanks, Skip.
11
Kate Collins: I'm sorry about Grandpa. Lucy Collins: Oh, Katie! Nobody blames you!
12
Lucy Collins: [Alice is in the front seat reminiscing and laughing with Samantha, Lucy scornfully mocks her sister from the back seat] Oh, look at how silly and normal I can act when I'm not persecuting my sister! [laughs insincerely to mock Alice]
13
Daniel Collins: Hey, did we have a blackout last night? Kate Collins: That's what I heard. Skip Collins: Yeah, we sure did. I couldn't even find my room. [Lucy smacks him with a newspaper] Skip Collins: What? Lucy Collins: You found my room all right. Skip Collins: It was dark. Lucy Collins: So you hid in my closet? With your *kids*? Skip Collins: [shouts] We were lost!
14
Kate Collins: Hey, hey, hey! You guys! Could one of you *please* tell me one nice thing I can say about your dead father Lucy Collins: [after a long pause] He often called me Andrea for no reason. Daniel Collins: I was Barry.
15
Lucy Collins: This is bullshit. Judy: Luce... Lucy Collins: No! I'm sorry, screw her! Judy: Come on, Luce... Lucy Collins: No! Don't! She has made a business out of persecuting me and I'm supposed to sit here, at my father's funeral, and watch her fuck-sing at Samantha? [shouts] Lucy Collins: Screw that!
16
Alice Collins: [Alice's mom comes back from the hospital after trying to kill herself, she enters the house] Hi, Mother, try it again and I'll kill you myself.
17
Lucy Collins: [Lucy and Judy enter the house] [to Judy] Lucy Collins: You remember Skip? Judy: Yeah. Lucy Collins: And the boys Tim and Jim, right? Skip Collins: Yeah, close enough. Judy: Hi guys, I'm uh, I'm Lucy's life partner. Fred Collins: [Together with Ted] Lesbians. Ted Collins: [Together with Fred] Lesbians.
18
Lucy Collins: You wouldn't know a sex toy if it left a battery in your vagina. Alice Collins: My vagina, as you are so whimsically about to refer to it, has served as sacred passage, for three anatomically correct children, so... Fred Collins: Bad image. Ted Collins: [hits head twice] Erase, erase.
19
Doctor: We pumped your mother's stomach. Alice Collins: Yeah, it was an accident. Lucy Collins: How did she accidentally chug half a bottle of sleeping pills. Alice Collins: [to the doctor] She was cleaning them up. Lucy Collins: With her mouth?
20
Skip Collins: Pop loved poetry. Kate Collins: He did. Skip Collins: Yeah. All the ones about Nantucket. Skip Collins: I think his favorite was about a little handicapped girl. There once was a girl who was crippled, by the weight of her overgrown nipple.
21
Lucy Collins: [Asking Doctor about suicidal mother] When can we take her home? Doctor: Well just overnight then tomorrow I'll sign her out and you can take her home. Alice Collins: Well, I think could you keep her. For another day just to be safe. Lucy Collins: [to Alice] Oh. My. God. Alice Collins: Bite me.
22
Skip Collins: Dearest Judge... Judge: Excuse me? Skip Collins: My client... [whispering] Skip Collins: name? Lace: Oh, um, Lace. Skip Collins: Miss Lace, was engaged in a consensual servicing of an entrapable member... Judge: Are you an attorney? Skip Collins: [smiles] Touche, your highness.
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