Van Helsing (2004)

"Van Helsing" - No Bite

by Homer Yen

(c) 2004

"Van Helsing" - No Bite

Were the screenwriters half-dead when they sat

down to pen this film's dialogue? "Van Helsing"

is all gum and no teeth. Sure, it's a rousing

adventure. With its tremendous amount of CGI

effects, how could it not be? But the main

characters have the depth of a shallow grave. We

don't really care for them or their cause.

Watching "Van Helsing" is like experiencing a

vacation by looking at a series of nifty

postcards rather than by being there yourself.

The experience never feels complete.

The story is a choppy mess as we are introduced

to our brooding hero, Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman).

He's a special type of bounty hunter. We catch

up with him during the opening sequence as he

chases the notorious Mr. Hyde through the streets

of late-19th century Paris. Their encounters

quickly establish the film's comic book feel. It

is the kind of atmosphere that concentrates more

on the artwork, settings, and fashion. However,

that this film more than resembles last summer's

"League of Extraordinary Gentleman" can not be a

good thing. And, perhaps if you've seen both of

these films, you can begin a hearty debate as to

which one is worse. I think that this one is

slightly better, but that's not saying much.

Next on Van Helsing's list is Count Dracula

(Richard Roxburgh), a foe unlike any our hero has

ever seen. He travels to Transylvania and teams

up with Princess Anna (Kate Beckinsdale), a

feisty fighter who also wants to rid the world of

Dracula. The film becomes a sort of beastly

convention as it assembles together filmdom's

greatest monsters. Included are werewolves,

vampires, Dr. Frankenstein and his monster, and

even Igor.  It is truly a monster mash.  

The story, however, is more like a monster mush.

Dracula wants to awaken his thousands of

gargoyle-like offspring. Needed is the secret to

life, possessed by Frankenstein's monster. Van

Helsing must find Dracula's hidden lair and put

an end to his plans. It sounds simple, but our

hero is dogged by an unforgiving screenplay that

lacks needed fluidity and character development.

While character development may not be where the

film wants to go, you can sense that the audience

is losing interest pretty quickly.  

What saves the film are the oodles of eye candy,

which is spectacular. For example, an early

scene takes place on top and around the fabled

Notre Dame cathedral. The renderings of this

landmark and of the cityscape are truly something

to behold.   There is also an early scene in

which a mob chases a monster into a windmill, and

it's clear from this sequence that special

effects have advanced significantly since last

summer. Moreover, outstanding morphing effects

will mesmerize you as you watch humans turn into

hideous werewolves while alluring sirens

transform into deadly succubae. 

The good news about this summer's first release

is that with all the advances in special effects,

you can expect this year's crop of summer films

to be more enterprising. Indeed, with bigger and

better offerings to come, we can optimistically

say that things can only get better. The bad

news is that while "Van Helsing" is a tremendous

visual accomplishment, it is just a terribly

conceived movie. It's all very cool to watch.

It's just not any fun to watch. A summer film

such as this needs to be both.

Grade:        C-

S:        0 out of 3

L:        0 out of 3

V:        2 out of 3

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X-RAMR-ID: 37754
X-Language: en
X-RT-ReviewID: 1279922
X-RT-TitleID: 1132255
X-RT-AuthorID: 1370
X-RT-RatingText: C-