Michael: Look, there's no point in arguing about this, all right? We need a solution. We need... we need to get some food over there. Steve: Yeah, OK, I have an idea. We draw straws and the loser runs across the lot with a ham sandwich.
(46 votes)
2
Televangelist: How do you think your God will judge you? Well, friends, now we know. When there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth.
(44 votes)
3
Michael: So what's the plan? CJ: The plan is you drink a nice tall glass of Shut The Fuck Up!
(39 votes)
4
CJ: Hey... I like this song.
(38 votes)
5
Michael: Truck's not gonna make it to Fort Pastor. Steve: No, forget the truck. That place is fucked, man. Bloodbath city. Kenneth: How do you know? Norma: We just came from there. Kenneth: Is everyone there dead? Steve: Well, dead-ish. Kenneth: Is everyone there dead? Steve: Yeah, in the sense that they all sort of, uh... fell down... and then got up... and started eating each other.
(37 votes)
6
Kenneth: [pointing a gun at Ana] Say something. Ana: Please...
(3 votes)
7
[his last line] CJ: Fucking figures!
8
Steve: It's nice to see that you've all bonded though this disaster.
9
Televangelist: Hell is overflowing, and Satan is sending the damned to us. Why? God is punishing us. You have sex out of wedlock. You have man on man relations, same sex marriages. How do you think your God will judge you? Well, friends, now we know. When there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth.
10
Confused Reporter: I understand you're having a difficult time killing these things, Sheriff. The County Sheriff: Just shoot them in the head! They seem to go down permanently if you shoot them in the head.
11
Bart: Look, he's a "twitcher". [CJ and Terry watch the twitching zombiefied security guard] Bart: TV says you gotta shoot 'em in the head. Terry: TV said a lot of things that aren't true. CJ: Fuck the fucker. I told him not go to downstairs. [CJ shoots the zombiefied security guard in head]
12
Kenneth: [writing on a board to Andy who is stranded on a rooftop across the parking lot] Fort Pastor gone. No help coming. Andy: [writing a response back] So what's the bad news?
13
Steve: [playing "Hollywood Squares" with Andy] Ooh! Ooh! Um... Rosie O'Donnell! Tell him to get Rosie! Kenneth: Ooh, yeah! Rosie! Tucker: Nah, too easy! Give 'em something hard. Ana: You guys had really rough childhoods, didn't you? Little bit rocky?
14
Andre: [to Michael] Hey, my man... I hear you talkin' a lot, you know, you're always sayin' something... Who the fuck are you, that we should listen? Were you, like, in a special ops unit in the marines? What the fuck do you do? Michael: I sell televisions at Best Buy. Andre: [to Kenneth] Hey, officer! How do you like following a guy that sells TVs? Kenneth: About as much as I like following a guy who steals them. I'm not following anyone.
15
Kenneth: Fuck y'all!
16
[Bloating Woman becomes a zombie] Terry: Holy Shit!
17
Ana: The bleeding is not gonna stop on its own. I need to suture his arm. CJ: What are you, a fucking doctor? Ana: No, I'm a fucking nurse.
18
CJ: [to fellow survivors] And I don't want anybody sneaking around and stealing shit.
19
CJ: [to Bart] Hey dumbass, it's the timers, it's eight o'clock. [to Terry] CJ: Go turn 'em off. Terry: It's Bart's turn. Bart: You're the trainee, man. Shit rolls downhill.
20
CJ: America always sorts it's shit out.
21
CJ: Fucking nursery school.
22
CJ: [waving a gun at fellow survivors] I'll kill all of you to stay alive.
23
CJ: Not to shit on anyone's riff here, but let me just see if I grasp this concept, ok? You're suggesting that we take some fucking parking shuttles, and reinforce them with some aluminum siding, and then just head on over to the gun store and watch our good friend Andy play some cowboy movie jump-on-the-covered-wagon bullshit. Then, we're gonna drive across a ruined city, through a welcome committee of a few hundred thousand dead cannibals, all so that we can sail off into the sunset on this fucking asshole's boat? [Points to Steve] CJ: And head for some island that for all we know doesn't even exist? Kenneth: Yeah. Tucker: Pretty much, yeah. Ana: [nods her head] Michael: Yeah. Steve: [gives a sarcastically enthusiastic "thumb up"] CJ: Okay... I'm in.
24
Andy: They say that those things are dead. I know that's a bunch of BULLSHIT!
25
Ana: [watching Kenneth, Steve and Tucker play "Hollywood Squares" with Andy] You guys had really rough childhoods, didn't you? Steve: Hey, sweetheart, let me tell you something. You, uh, you have my permission, I ever turn into one of those things... do me a favor, blow my fuckin' head off. Ana: [nods her head yes] Oh, yeah, you can count on that!
26
CJ: [to Terry through the bars of the holding cell] Come on, Terry, open the door. Bart: Yeah, man, let us out - I got you this job!
27
Ana: That's probably the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me. Michael: I'm trying, Ana.
28
Bart: Hey, you guys know that chick from Dairy Queen? CJ: The fat one? Bart: Yeah, she was coming over tonight. I would've tapped that shit for sure. Terry: Bart, dude, everybody's dead, OK? Your mom's dead, your brother's dead, the fat chick at Dairy Queen... dead. Bart: Yeah, that sucks too.
29
Michael: [to Norma on her rescue] Well done. Norma: Thanks. Steve: Hey, I'm sorry, excuse me... when you two fellas are done blowing each other, maybe Davy Crockett could tell us the deal here?
30
Michael: You coming with us? Kenneth: Nah, you're coming with me. I've done this before.
31
Kenneth: You know how to use that? Michael: [pointing to the gun barrel] This is the dangerous end, right? Kenneth: [Taking the safety off] Now it is.
32
Andre: Shatter-proof, asshole.
33
Terry: I wish somebody was working Hallowed Grounds. CJ: How hard is it to make a cup of coffee? Terry: I wanted a soy mocha latte with foam. Bart: Faggot.
34
Michael: Steve, don't fuck this up! Steve: Yeah, totally.
35
Steve: Wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry... why does he stay here while I go on the suicide mission to rescue Terry's already-dead girlfriend? Terry: Hey, fuck you man! Michael: We don't know that... CJ: You know what, asshole? Either way we gotta get over there and get the guns to get out of the parking lot, OK?
36
Ana: I don't wanna die here.
37
Ana: Frank, Michael's coming to shoot you.
38
Andre: It's a girl!
39
Michael: Officer, sir, you do not want to go that way. Kenneth: Why? What's that way? Michael: It's pretty bad. Andre: It's hell. Kenneth: What about Fort Pastor? Andre: Maybe, if you had wings. The road's thick with those motherfuckers that way. Kenneth: How do you know? Andre: We just tried... Michael: Back when there was eight of us. We're going to the mall.
40
Michael: There is no other place to go! CJ: Well, that's YOUR problem, not mine. Kenneth: How about I put my foot up your ass, will that be your problem?
41
CJ: [to Kenneth] You can take your ass over to the Quality Inn if it's still there, Shaq!
42
Luda: [referring to her unborn child] I want Russian name.
43
The County Sheriff: Danny, put another round in that woman over there! Look! She's a twitcher!
44
Steve: I run a tight ship.
45
[Ana is talking to Tucker at Hallowed Grounds and then looks over at Steve, who is pouring himself a cup of coffee] Ana: It's nice to see you busting your ass. Steve: Oh, that's sarcasm. That is so awesome. [Forced Laugh] Steve: You know, I would love to help, but the captain never works alongside his men. [Dangles his keys in front of Ana and Tucker and then whips them, making a cracking sound as he does so] Steve: Well, you guys have a good 'un. [He leaves] Ana: What a total dick.
46
[C.J. is on the roof of Andy's Gun Works with a sniper rifle preparing to shoot a propane tank] Nicole: [in the store with Kenneth, Michael and Terry] How will we know if he hits it? [there's huge explosion]
47
Steve: I have an idea. While we're at it, why don't we drop by the marina, hop in my boat and take it for a pleasure cruise, you jackasses! Ana: Wait, that's a good idea. There's islands out there. There's not many people on them. Steve: I was kidding.
48
Ana: [everyone has run to the roof to watch the BP truck racing around the mall parking lot] What are we gonna do about that truck? CJ: We're not gonna do anything about that truck! Ana: There's people in there! CJ: Yeah, and how do you know they're not all fucked up like everybody else out there? Ana: Well, for one thing, they're driving a truck. [gunshots coming from truck] Ana: Oh, and shooting guns.
49
CJ: [shooting a female zombie running at him] Bitch!
50
Nicole: Chips, come here. Come on, Chips! Monica: [mocking] Come on, Chips.
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