Evil: Oh, Benson... Dear Benson, you are so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence. Benson: Oh, you say such nice things, Master. Evil: Yes I know, I'm sorry!
(21 votes)
2
Supreme Being: Dead? No excuse for laying off work.
(20 votes)
3
Evil: If I were creating the world I wouldn't mess about with butterflies and daffodils. I would have started with lasers, eight o'clock, Day One! [zaps one of his minions accidentally, minion screams] Evil: Sorry.
(20 votes)
4
Randall: We made trees and shrubs. We helped make all this. Kevin: Whew! That's not bad. Randall: Yeah. But did we get a thimble full of credit for it? No! All we got was the sack. Just for creating the Pink Bunkadoo. Kevin: Pink Bunkadoo? Randall: Yeah. Beautiful trees that was. Og designed it. 600 feet high, bright red, and smelled terrible.
(20 votes)
5
Randall: Look, do you want to be leader of this gang? Strutter: No, we agreed: No leader! Randall: Right. So shut up and do as I say.
(20 votes)
6
Randall: Well, this map, Kevin, used to belong to the Supreme Being. Kevin: You mean you stole it? Randall: No, no. Well, sort of.
7
Randall: People who are always right make me sick! Fidgit: That's why you get along with yourself so well!
8
Wally: Lads! Here's to stinking rich! All: Yeah! Fidgit: And to Kevin. All: Yeah, Kevin! Og: Stinking Kevin.
9
Robin Hood: And you're a robber too. How long have you been a robber? Wally: Four foot one. Robin Hood: Good lord! Jolly good. Four foot one? Well that-that-that is-is- a long time, isn't it?
10
Wally: Vermin, that is not meant to be eaten! Vermin: You never know until you've eaten it!
11
Supreme Being: Oh, I hate having to appear like that.
12
Supreme Being: I am the Supreme Being, I'm not entirely dim.
13
Wally: Do you mean you knew what was happening to us all the time? Supreme Being: Well, of course. I am the Supreme Being, I'm not entirely dim...
14
Evil: Suddenly, I feel very, very good. Robert: Oh, I'm sorry, Master. Evil: No, it'll pass, it'll pass.
15
Supreme Being: I should do something very extroverted and vengeful to you. Honestly, I'm too tired. So, I think I'll transfer you to the undergrowth department, brackens, more shrubs, that sort of thing... with a 19% cut in salary, backdated to the beginning of time. Randall: Oh, thank you, sir. Supreme Being: Yes, well, I am the nice one.
16
Kevin: Yes, why do we have to have evil? Supreme Being: Ah... I think it's something to do with free will.
17
Supreme Being: Oh, I do hate appearing that way, it's an entirely noisy manifestation. Still, rather expected of one, I suppose.
18
Evil: What sort of Supreme Being created such riffraff? Is this not the workings of a complete incompetent? Baxi Brazilia III: But He created you, Evil One. Evil: What did you say? Baxi Brazilia III: Well He created you, so He can't be entirely... Evil: [Blows Baxi to bits] Never talk to me like that again! No one created me! I am Evil. Evil existed long before good. I made myself. I cannot be unmade. *I* am all powerful!
19
Evil: Oh Benson, dear Benson, you are so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence.
20
Wally: I'm sorry I killed you, Fidgit!
21
Evil: No one created me! I am Evil! Evil existed long before Good. I cannot be unmade. I am all-powerful!
22
Kevin: I'll never get the chance to meet Robin Hood again. Randall: Oh, stop moaning. He's obviously a dangerous man, unbalanced if you ask me. Giving away what isn't even his! Kevin: That's what Robin Hood always did. Even I know that. Randall: Of course, you know it all. Kevin: He was one of my heroes. Randall: Heroes! Heroes! What do they know about a day's work?
23
Randall: People who are always right make me sick!
24
Supreme Being: They'll think I've lost control again and leave it all to evolution.
Kevin: It's some kind of invisible barrier. Fidgit: Oh, so that's what an invisible barrier looks like.
27
Supreme Being: Do be careful! Don't lose any of that stuff. That's concentrated evil. One drop of that could turn you all into hermit crabs.
28
Evil: God isn't interested in technology. He cares nothing for the microchip or the silicon revolution. Look how he spends his time, forty-three species of parrots! Nipples for men! Robert: Slugs. Evil: Slugs! HE created slugs! They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery. Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?
29
Evil: I have the map! I have the map! And the day after tomorrow... The world!
30
Napoleon: Little things hitting each other. THAT'S WHAT I LIKE!
31
Randall: Waiter, more champagne! Waiter: Yes, sir. Randall: And plenty of ice. [followed immediately by the Titanic striking the iceberg]
32
Evil: God is not interested in technology... He knows nothing of the potential of the micro-chip or the silicon revolution. He's obsessed with making the grass grow and getting rainbows right... Look at what he spends his time on. 43 species of parrot! Nipples for men!
33
Evil: Now Benson, I'm going to have to turn you into a dog for a while.
34
Kevin: I'd like to stay. Robin Hood: Jolly good! What's your name? Kevin: Ke... [Is pulled away by Randall] Robin Hood: Ke? What a jolly nice name. Well never mind, cheerio! Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you very, very, very much. [Under his breath] Robin Hood: Awful people.
35
Vincent: Pansy! I can explain! It's only the thing on my nose and the hair piece. Everything else is fine!
36
Robin Hood: Hello, I'm Hood. Hood's Assistant: Say good morning, you scum! Time Bandits: Good morning, Scum.
37
Kevin's Mother: Honestly, Trevor, if you were half a man you would've gone in there after the blender.
38
Fireman: This is what started it. Left the Sunday joint cooking all night, didn't we? Kevin's Mother: Sunday joint? It's Thursday.
39
Napoleon: They are all freaks! Not one of them under five foot six. What kind of theater is this?
40
Neguy: You are not small at all, Commander. Lucien: Not by any means. Five foot one is not small. Napoleon: Five foot one and conqueror of Italy, not bad huh?
41
Evil: Good question. Why have I let the Supreme Being keep me here in the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness? Robert: Because you... Evil: Shut up, I'm speaking rhetorically.
42
Fidgit: You're gonna get us all killed, Randall! Randall: Stop whimpering! How was I to know we were gonna run right into an iceberg? It didn't say 'Get off before the iceberg' on the ticket!
43
Evil: You are a very troublesome little fellow. I think I should teach you one of my special lessons? What do you think, Robert? Benson? What would look nice? Half-warthog? Half-donkey? Half-oyster? Half-carrot?
44
Kevin: Do you know where we are? Randall: Of course I do. 1796, Battle of Castiglione. See? Strutter: Are you sure we're not in somebody's bedroom?
45
Kevin: Is it always like this after you've done a raid? Fidgit: I don't know. We've never done one before. [Long pause] Kevin: But I thought you were international criminals. Randall: Going to be. Going to be.
46
Kevin: Who was that man? Fidgit: That was no man. That was the Supreme Being. Kevin: You mean God? Fidgit: Well, we don't know Him that well. We only work for Him. Randall: Shut up!
47
[first lines] Announcer: Yes, folks... Moderna Designs present the latest in kitchen luxury. The Moderna Wonder Major All Automatic Convenience Center-ette.
48
Robin Hood: The poor are going to be absolutely thrilled. Have you met them at all? Randall: Who? Robin Hood: The poor. Randall: The poor? Robin Hood: Oh you must meet them. I'm sure you'll like them. Of course they haven't got two pennies to rub together but that's because they're poor.
49
Robin Hood: Oh yes and believe you me, the poor are going to be, well not just absolutely thrilled, but also considerably less poor, aren't they Redgrave? Redgrave: [Gibberish] Robin Hood: You see- what did he say? Marion: He says yeah, what with Christmas coming up and all.
50
Evil: So this is the best the Supreme Being can do?
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