"I wonder how a degenerate person like you could have reached a position of responsibility in the Army Medical Corps."--Hot Lips (Sally Kellerman) to Dago Red (Rene Auberjonois)
(28 votes)
2
[repeated line] SSgt. Gorman: Goddamn Army.
(28 votes)
3
"He was drafted."--Dago Red's reply to Hot Lips
(26 votes)
4
Hawkeye Pierce: Someone get that dirty old man out of this operating theater.
(24 votes)
5
Trapper John: Well, what's the matter with her today? Hawkeye Pierce: I don't know, I think it's one of those ladies' things. Trapper John: It's not like her to act like this. She's a bitch, look at my new flannel coat. She's going to have a nervous breakdown. Hawkeye Pierce: She can't even get out of the door, look. [Hawkeye sits down with Frank] Hawkeye Pierce: Morning, Frank. Heard from your wife? A bunch of the boys asked me to, uh, ask you, Frank, what Hot Lips was like in the sack. You know, was she... Frank Burns: Mind your own business. Hawkeye Pierce: No Frank, you know, is she better than self-abuse? Does that- does that big ass of hers move around a lot, Frank or does it sort of lie there flaccid? What would you say about that? Would you say that she was a moaner, Frank? Seriously Frank. I mean, does she go "ooooh" or does she lie there quiet and not do anything at all? Frank Burns: Keep your filthy mouth to yourself. Hawkeye Pierce: Or does she go "uh-uh-uh"? [Frank leaps over the table and attacks Hawkeye] Hawkeye Pierce: Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me! Duke Forrest: What's going on, Frank? That lesson one? Hawkeye Pierce: Frank Burns has gone nuts! I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake. Trapper John: Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye. That man is a sex maniac; I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye.
(18 votes)
6
[a gun goes off at the football game] Hotlips O'Houlihan: Oh my God! They've shot him. Colonel Blake: Hot Lips, you incredible nincompoop. It's the end of the quarter.
(18 votes)
7
[Trapper has just opened a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer] Hawkeye Pierce: I see you are a beer drinker, sir. Would you care for a martini? Trapper John: A martini? Yeah, I'd love a martini. Hawkeye Pierce: [to Ho-Jon] Ho-Jon, get the gentleman a martini. [to Trapper] Hawkeye Pierce: I'm sure you will find them satisfactory. They're quite dry. [sips from his glass] Trapper John: Don't you guys use olives? Duke Forrest: Olives? Where in the hell do you think we are, man? Hawkeye Pierce: We have had to make certain concessions for the war; we ARE three miles from the front line. Trapper John: Yeah but without olives, [reaches into coat pocket and pulls out a jar of cocktail olives - drops one into his glass] Trapper John: a martini just doesn't quite make it. [Hawkeye and Duke stare dumbfounded at the olive]
(3 votes)
8
[the origin of her nickname] Hotlips O'Houlihan: [to Frank Burns, during sex, not knowing everyone is listening] Oh, Frank, my lips are hot. Kiss my hot lips.
(2 votes)
9
[last lines] P.A. Announcer: [clears his throat] Attention. Tonight's movie has been "M*A*S*H." Follow the zany antics of our combat surgeons as they cut and stitch their way along the front lines, operating as bombs - [chuckles] P.A. Announcer: operating as bombs and bullets burst around them; snatching laughs and love between amputaions and penicillin. Colonel Blake: [Watches as a jeep rolls away] Did Hawkeye steal that jeep? Radar: No, sir. That's the one he came in. Colonel Blake: Oh, very good. Come along, my dear. [He and Lt. Leslie leave] P.A. Announcer: Follow Hawkeye, Trapper, Duke, Dago Red, Painless, Radar, Hot Lips, Dish and Staff Seargeant Vollmer as they put our boys back together again. [a montage of cast members starts] P.A. Announcer: Starring Donald Sutherland, Elliott Gould, Tom Skerritt, Sally Kellerman, Robert Duvall, Jo Ann Pflug, Rene Auberjonois, Roger Bowen, Gary Burghoff, David Arkin, John Schuck, Fred Williamson, Indus Arthur, Tim Brown, Corey Fischer, Bud Cort, Carl Gottlieb, Dawne Damon, Tamara Horrocks, Ken Prymus, Danny Goldman, Kim Atwood, Michael Murphy, G. Wood, Rick Teal and Bobby Troup. SSgt. Gorman: Goddamn army. P.A. Announcer: That is all. [a gong sounds and the screen suddenly goes black. End of movie]
10
Colonel Blake: [to Spearchucker Jones at the football practice] I had another idea. I think we should have some plays. You know, usually in football you have some organized plays.
11
Hotlips O'Houlihan: I wonder how such a degenerated person ever reached a position of authority in the Army Medical Corps. Father Mulcahy: He was drafted.
12
Colonel Blake: Hawkeye Pierce? I got a twix from headquarters about you... says you stole a jeep. Hawkeye Pierce: No sir, no, I didn't steal it. No, it's right outside.
13
[Trapper is guest of honor at a party celebrating his appointment as Chief Surgeon] Trapper John: ...No. No booze. Sex. I want sex. [notices Hot-Lips across the mess tent] Trapper John: That one. The sultry bitch with the fire in her eyes. Bring her to me. Take her clothes off and bring her to me.
14
[Frank Burns has just been sent away in a straitjacket after attacking Hawkeye] Duke Forrest: Colonel, fair's fair... if I punch Hawkeye and nail Hot-Lips, can I go home too?
15
Hotlips O'Houlihan: This isn't a hospital. It's an insane asylum. And it's your fault.
16
Gen. Hammond: Henry, I have some reports here from your Major O'Houlihan that I frankly find hard to believe. Colonel Blake: Well, don't believe them then, General. Good-bye. [hangs up]
17
Colonel Blake: Ever since the dark days before Pearl Harbor, I have been proud to wear this uniform.
18
Captain Walter Kosciusko "Painless Pole" Waldowski, D.D.S.: I wasn't gonna fool around out here because I got these three girls I'm engaged to back home.
19
Hawkeye Pierce: Frank, were you on this religious kick at home, or did you crack up over here?
20
Trapper John: I wish they wouldn't land those things here while we're playing golf.
21
Capt. Peterson, Nurse Corps: [hostile tone of voice] What are you two HOODLUMS doing in this hospital? Hawkeye Pierce: Ma'am, we are surgeons and we are here to operate. We just waiting for a starting time. That's all. Capt. Peterson, Nurse Corps: You can't even go near a patient until Col. Merrill says its ok and he's still out to lunch. Trapper John: Look, mother, I want to go to work in one hour. We are the Pros from Dover and we figure to crack this kid's chest and get out to golf course before it gets dark. So you go find the gas-passer and you have him pre-medicate this patient. Then bring me the latest pictures on him. The ones we saw must be 48 hours old by now. Then call the kitchen and have them rustle us up some lunch. [turns to Hakweye] Trapper John: Ham and eggs will all right. [turns back to Capt. Peterson] Trapper John: Steak would be even better. And then give me at least ONE nurse who knows how to work in close without getting her tits in my way. Capt. Peterson, Nurse Corps: [outraged] Oh! [turns to leave and bumps into Nurse in Japan] Capt. Peterson, Nurse Corps: Oh! Fool! [stomps out of ward] Nurse in Japan: How do you want your steak cooked?
22
Capt. Ezekiel Bradbury 'Me Lay' Marston IV: Who are you guys? Hawkeye Pierce: I'm Dr. Jekyll, actually, and this is my friend, Mr. Hyde. Trapper John: Grrrr!
23
Trapper John: Finished work for the day? Frank Burns: Yes. Why? Trapper John: Good. I was hoping you'd have time tonight to sleep this off. [Trapper punches Burns to the floor and injures his hand just as Colonel Blake walks in] Trapper John: [in pain] Ow! Damn! Son of a bitch! Colonel Blake: Trapper! I mean... uh... Captain McIntyre, what the hell? What happened? Who started this? Trapper John: I hit him! I hit him! He's an ignoramus, the knucklehead! Frank Burns: He wouldn't have touched me if I had my guard up.
24
Colonel Blake: What the hell's gotten into you? Trapper John: I dunno. I must be losing my punch. I never expected the son of a bitch to get up.
25
Frank Burns: I don't drink. Hawkeye Pierce: Jesus Christ, I think he means it.
26
Colonel Blake: I'm tired of you guys trying to run this outfit. This time there's going to be disciplinary action. Duke Forrest: What're you gonna do, Henry? Colonel Blake: Well, I had planned to name Trapper Chief Surgeon, to consult on your shift and Frank's. Duke Forrest: That's damn good thinking. Colonel Blake: Yeah, but now I can't do it for at least a week.
27
Frank Burns: God meant us to find each other. Hotlips O'Houlihan: [enthusiastically, opening her blouse] His will be done.
28
Colonel Blake: Football game? Gen. Hammond: Yeah, yeah, we put up a few bets, five thousand maybe, and have a little fun. Special services in Tokyo says it's one of the best gimmicks we've got to keep the American way of life going here in Asia. Colonel Blake: Betting? Gen. Hammond: No, football.
29
Cheerleaders: Sixty-nine, is divine. Sixty-nine, is divine.
30
Cpl. Judson: Bastard, 88, called me a coon. Spearchucker: Called you a what? Cpl. Judson: Coon. Spearchucker: OK, that's an old pro trick, to get you thrown out of the ball game. Cpl. Judson: Well... Spearchucker: Why don't you do the same thing to him? Cpl. Judson: What, call him a coon?
31
[the first use of the word "fuck" in a major motion picture] Painless: Your fuckin' head is coming right off, pal.
32
Captain Walter Kosciusko "Painless Pole" Waldowski, D.D.S.: [lining up during football game] All right, Bub, your fuckin' head is coming right off.
33
[to Hot Lips, about Frank Burns] Hawkeye Pierce: Frank Burns does not know his way around an operating theater, he does not know his way around a body, and if you will have observed anything, you will have observed that Major Frank Burns... is an idiot.
34
P.A. Announcer: Attention, all base members must report for a drug test for marij- marijua-... disregard last transmission
35
Duke Forrest: Dammit, Henry, Frank Burns is a menace! Every time a patient croaks on him he says it's "God's will" or somebody else's fault. Hawkeye Pierce: Yeah, and this time he blamed it on some kid who was stupid enough to belive him.
36
Trapper John: Well, you know, Man o' War, after they retired him from racing, they put him out to stud. And he had an average of about a hundred and twenty, a hundred and thirty foals a year, and he lived to be thirty-six. And then when he died, they did an autopsy, and they found out that he was a raving queen.
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