Father Greg Pilkington: They used to ask us a question when we were in seminary: a man comes up to you in confession and tells you that he's poisoned the altar wine. Do you go out and say Mass? I had no problem with it; I'd go out and drink the wine. I suppose there's a little of the martyr in all of us.
2
Father Greg Pilkington: And how would you feel if someone robbed your car? Boy Car Thief: I haven't got one. Father Greg Pilkington: Well, suppose you did. Boy Car Thief: I'd get a weed-on. Father Greg Pilkington: Exactly. I'd get a... weed-on too. Boy Car Thief: You haven't got a car. Father Greg Pilkington: Well, what about Father Matthew? Boy Car Thief: No one would wanna rob his car, would they? Father Greg Pilkington: Because he's a priest? Boy Car Thief: Because it's crap!
3
Charge Sergeant: [Father Pilkington is being charged with public indecency] Your occupation? [Father Pilkington is too embarrassed to answer] Charge Sergeant: Come on, your occupation? Father Greg Pilkington: I ... I'm a priest. Charge Sergeant: What? Catholic? Father Greg Pilkington: Yes. Charge Sergeant: [grinning] You little devil!
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