Other Titles • Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl (1982)
Quotes from Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl (1982)
1
Announcer: Hello and welcome to the Ronald Reagan Memorial Bowl, here in the pretty L.A. suburb of Hollywood. Well, we're about to witness All-in Wrestling, brought to you tonight, ladies and gentlemen, by the makers of Scum, the world's first combined hair oil, foot ointment, and salad dressing; and by the makers of Titan, the novelty nuclear missile. You never know when it'll go off.
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First Bruce: They're a typical Hollywood audience. All the kids are on drugs and all the adults are on roller skates.
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Albatross Woman: Albatross... Albatross. ALBATROSS. [looks to someone in the crowd] Albatross Woman: ... You're not supposed to be smoking that. Albatross. Someone in the crowd: What flavour is it? What flavour is it? Albatross Woman: Seagull sickle... Pelican bon-bon... ALBATROSS. Wife: I will have two icecreams, please. Albatross Woman: I don't have any icecreams, I've just got this albatross. ALBATROSS. Wife: What flavour is it? Albatross Woman: ...Well it's an albatross. Isn't it? It's not any bloody flavour. ALBATROSS. Wife: It's got to be some flavour, I mean everything's got a flavour. Albatross Woman: All right. All right. It's bloody... albatross flavour... Bleedin' seabird bleedin' flavour. ALBATROSS. Wife: You get wafers with it? Albatross Woman: Of course you don't getting fucking wafers with it you cunt. It's a fucking albatross isn't it.
4
Michelangelo: Good evening, Your Holiness. The Pope: Evening, Michelangelo. I want to talk to you about this painting of yours, The Last Supper. I'm not happy about it. Michelangelo: Oh, dear. It took me hours. The Pope: Not happy at all. Michelangelo: Is it the jello you don't like? The Pope: No. Michelangelo: It does add a bit of colour, doesn't it. Oh, I know, you don't like the kangaroo. The Pope: What kangaroo? Michelangelo: No problem, I'll paint him out. The Pope: I never saw a kangaroo. Michelangelo: Uh, he's right at the back. No sweat, I'll make him into a disciple. All right? The Pope: That's the problem. Michelangelo: What is? The Pope: The disciples. Michelangelo: Are they too Jewish? I made Judas the most Jewish. The Pope: No, it's just that there are 28 of them.
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First Bruce: We find your American beer like making love in a canoe. It's fucking close to water.
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Husband: It's the Bishop of Leicester. Wife: How do you know? Husband: Tattooed on the back of his neck. I think I'd better call the police. Wife: Shouldn't you call the church? Son: Call the Church Police. Husband: Good idea.
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Customer: I'd like to have an argument please.
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Flying minstrel: I've got two legs, from my hips to the ground / And when I move them, they walk around / And when I lift them, they climb the stairs / And when I shave them, they ain't got hairs.
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Barrister 1: I did my whole, "Serious offense" bit and then I waggled me wig! Husband: You did what? Barrister 1: I waggled me wig!
10
Yorkshireman 1: Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our graves. Yorkshireman 2: But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't believe ya'.
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[the Philosophers' Drinking Song] First Bruce: Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable / Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table / David Hume could outconsume Schopenhauer and Hegel / And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schlossed as Schlegel / There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raisin' of the wrist / Socrates himself was permanently pissed / And John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, on a half a pint of shandy was particularly ill / Plato, they say, could stick it away - half a pint of whiskey, every day / Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle / Hobbes was fond of his dram / And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am!" / Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed... / a lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed.
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Customer: This isn't an argument! It's just contradiction! Professional Arguer: No, it isn't! Customer: Yes it is! Professional Arguer: No, no, no! Customer: It is! Professional Arguer: No, it isn't! Customer: Yes it is! An argument is an intellectual process! It isn't just contradiction! Professional Arguer: Look, if I'm to argue with you, I have to take up a contracitary position! Customer: Yes, but it's not just saying "No it isn't!" Professional Arguer: Yes, it is! Customer: No, it isn't!
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