Production Companies Michael White Productions, National Film Trustee Company, Python (Monty) Pictures Limited, Twickenham Film Studios (technical completion)
Other Titles • Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) • Die Ritter der Kokosnuß (1976) • Mønti Pythøn ik den Høli Gräilen
Quotes from Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
1
"Ni! Shh!"--Knights of Ni
(7 votes)
2
"We are the Knights Who Say...'Ni'!" --Head Knight (Michael Palin) to Arthur
(5 votes)
3
"Shh! We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop-boing-goodem-zoo-owli-zhiv.'"--Head Knight
(3 votes)
4
"And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'"--Second Brother (Michael Palin)
(3 votes)
5
"It's just a flesh wound."--The Black Knight (John Cleese) to King Arthur (Graham Chapman), after Arthur has cut off his arms
(2 votes)
6
"Sir Launcelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain temptation."--Narrator (Michael Palin), upon Sir Galahad (Michael Palin) having been "rescued" from the castle of virgins
(2 votes)
7
"Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!"--Tim the Enchanter (John Cleese)
(2 votes)
8
Minstrel: [singing] Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecap split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his penis split... Sir Robin: That's enough singing for now, lads... looks like there's dirty work afoot.
(2 votes)
9
Minstrel: [singing] Brave Sir Robin ran away... Sir Robin: *No!* Minstrel: [singing] bravely ran away away... Sir Robin: *I didn't!* Minstrel: [singing] When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled. Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about, and valiantly, he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. A brave retreat by brave Sir Robin.
(2 votes)
10
[the King gestures to the window] King of Swamp Castle: One day, lad, all this will be yours. Prince Herbert: What, the curtains? King of Swamp Castle: No, not the curtains, lad, all that you can see stretched out over the valleys and the hills! That'll be your kingdom, lad.
(2 votes)
11
Roger the Shrubber: Are you saying Ni to that old woman? King Arthur: Um, yes. Roger the Shrubber: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say Ni at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress in this period in history. King Arthur: Did you say shrubberies? Roger the Shrubber: Yes, shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
(2 votes)
12
"We are now...no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni.'"--Head Knight
(1 vote)
13
French Soldier: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
(1 vote)
14
Sir Bedevere: What makes you think she's a witch? Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt. Sir Bedevere: A newt? Peasant 3: ...I got better. Crowd: [shouts] Burn her anyway!
(1 vote)
15
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Who goes there? King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England! 1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Pull the other one! King Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master. 1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? Ridden on a horse? King Arthur: Yes! 1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You're using coconuts! King Arthur: What? 1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together. King Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through... 1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Where'd you get the coconuts? King Arthur: We found them. 1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical! King Arthur: What do you mean? 1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Well, this is a temperate zone King Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land? 1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? King Arthur: Not at all. They could be carried. 1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? A swallow carrying a coconut? King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk! 1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut. King Arthur: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here? 1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right? King Arthur: Please! 1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Am I right?
(1 vote)
16
"One day, lad, all this will be yours!"--Father (Michael Palin)
17
"What, the curtains?"--Prince Herbert (Terry Jones)
18
Knights of Camelot: [singing] We're knights of the Round Table, we dance whene'er we're able. We do routines and chorus scenes with footwork impec-cable, We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. / We're knights of the Round Table, our shows are for-mi-dable. But many times we're given rhymes that are quite un-sing-able, We're opera mad in Camelot, we sing from the diaphragm a lot. / In war we're tough and able, Quite in-de-fa-ti-gable. Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable / It's a busy life in Camelot [solo] Knights of Camelot: I have to push the pram a lot.
19
King of Swamp Castle: Listen, Alice... Prince Herbert: Herbert. King of Swamp Castle: Herbert...
20
God: What are you doing now? King Arthur: Averting our eyes, oh Lord. God: Well, don't. It's just like those miserable psalms, always so depressing.
21
King of Swamp Castle: Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let's not bicker and argue over who killed who.
22
God: Every time I try to talk to someone it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy"...
23
Sir Galahad: Is there someone else up there we could talk to? French Soldier: No, now go away before I taunt you a second time.
24
Sir Lancelot: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril. Sir Galahad: I don't think I was. Sir Lancelot: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril. Sir Galahad: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril. Sir Lancelot: No, it's too perilous. Sir Galahad: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can. Sir Lancelot: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on. Sir Galahad: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril? Sir Lancelot: No. It's unhealthy. Sir Galahad: I bet you're gay. Sir Lancelot: Am not.
25
King Arthur: [after Arthur's cut off both of the Black Knight's arms] Look, you stupid Bastard. You've got no arms left. Black Knight: Yes I have. King Arthur: *Look*! Black Knight: It's just a flesh wound.
26
[repeated line] King Arthur: Run away!
27
Large Man with Dead Body: Who's that then? The Dead Collector: I dunno, must be a king. Large Man with Dead Body: Why? The Dead Collector: He hasn't got shit all over him.
28
French Soldier: You don't frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur King," you and all your silly English K-nig-hts.
29
French Soldier: Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of silly persons!
30
The Witch: I'm not a witch I'm not a witch! Sir Bedevere: But you a dressed like one The Witch: They dressed me up like this! Crowd: we didn't! We didn't... The Witch: And this isn't my nose. It's a false one. Sir Bedevere: [lifts up her flase nose] Well Peasant 1: Well, we did do the nose. Sir Bedevere: The nose? Peasant 1: And the hat, but she is a witch! Crowd: Yeah Burn her burn her! Sir Bedevere: Did you dress her up like this? Peasant 1: No! Peasant 3, Peasant 2: No! Peasant 3: No! Peasant 1: No! Peasant 3, Peasant 2: No! Peasant 1: Yes! Peasant 2: Yes! Peasant 1: Yeah a Bit Peasant 3: A bit! Peasant 1, Peasant 2: A bit! Peasant 2: a bit Peasant 1: But she has got a wart! Random Person in the crowd: *cough* *cough*
31
King Arthur: Old woman. Dennis: Man. King Arthur: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there? Dennis: I'm 37. King Arthur: What? Dennis: I'm 37. I'm not old. King Arthur: Well I can't just call you "man". Dennis: Well you could say "Dennis". King Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis. Dennis: Well you didn't bother to find out did you? King Arthur: I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind you looked... Dennis: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior. King Arthur: Well I am king. Dennis: Oh, king eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.
32
King Arthur: I am your king. Woman: Well I didn't vote for you. King Arthur: You don't vote for kings. Woman: Well how'd you become king then? [Angelic music plays... ] King Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king. Dennis: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
33
Dennis: Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you.
34
Dennis: Oh but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away.
35
Dennis: Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I'm being repressed! King Arthur: Bloody peasant! Dennis: Oh, what a giveaway! Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about! Did you see him repressing me? You saw him, Didn't you?
36
Sir Bedevere: ...and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana shaped. King Arthur: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
37
King of Swamp Castle: When I first came here, this was all swamp. Everyone said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built in all the same, just to show them. It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. And that's what you're going to get, Lad, the strongest castle in all of England.
38
Sir Lancelot: Look, my liege. [trumpets] King Arthur: Camelot. Sir Galahad: Camelot. Sir Lancelot: Camelot. Patsy: It's only a model. King Arthur: Shh.
39
King Arthur: On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.
40
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
41
Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. Sir Lancelot: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid. Bridgekeeper: What... is your name? Sir Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot. Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest? Sir Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail. Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour? Sir Lancelot: Blue. Bridgekeeper: Go on. Off you go. Sir Lancelot: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. Sir Robin: That's easy. Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. Sir Robin: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid. Bridgekeeper: What... is your name? Sir Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot. Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest? Sir Robin: To seek the Holy Grail. Bridgekeeper: What... is the capital of Assyria? [pause] Sir Robin: I don't know that. [he is thrown over the edge into the volcano] Sir Robin: Auuuuuuuugh. Bridgekeeper: Stop. What... is your name? Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot. Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest? Galahad: I seek the Grail. Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour? Galahad: Blue. No, yel... [he is also thrown over the edge] Galahad: auuuuuuuugh. Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name? King Arthur: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons. Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest? King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail. Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? King Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow? Bridgekeeper: Huh? I... I don't know that. [he is thrown over] Bridgekeeper: Auuuuuuuugh. Sir Bedevere: How do know so much about swallows? King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
42
[the Black Knight continues to threaten Arthur despite getting both his arms and one of his legs cut off] Black Knight: Right, I'll do you for that! King Arthur: You'll what? Black Knight: Come here! King Arthur: What are you gonna do, bleed on me? Black Knight: I'm invincible! King Arthur: ...You're a loony.
43
Dingo: You must spank her well, and after you are done with her, you may deal with her as you like... and then... spank me. All: And me. And me too. And me. Dingo: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking.
44
Dingo: And after the spanking, the oral sex. Galahad: Well, I could stay a bit longer...
45
Knight 1: We are the Knights who say... NI.
46
Knight 1: We are now no longer the Knights who say Ni. Knight 2: NI. Other Knights: Shh... Knight 1: We are now the Knights who say..."Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG. Zoom-Boing. Z'nourrwringmm.
47
King of Swamp Castle: We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get. Prince Herbert: But I don't like her. King of Swamp Castle: Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.
48
Tim: Follow. But. Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived. Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth. King Arthur: What an eccentric performance.
49
[Holding the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch] King Arthur: How does it... um... how does it work? Sir Lancelot: I know not, my liege. King Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments. Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one. Cleric: [reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu... Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother... Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Brother Maynard: Amen. All: Amen. King Arthur: Right. One... two... five. Galahad: Three, sir. King Arthur: Three.
50
The Dead Collector: Bring out yer dead. [a man puts a body on the cart] Large Man with Dead Body: Here's one. The Dead Collector: That'll be ninepence. The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not dead. The Dead Collector: What? Large Man with Dead Body: Nothing. There's your ninepence. The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not dead. The Dead Collector: 'Ere, he says he's not dead. Large Man with Dead Body: Yes he is. The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not. The Dead Collector: He isn't. Large Man with Dead Body: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill. The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm getting better. Large Man with Dead Body: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment. The Dead Collector: Well, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations. The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I don't want to go on the cart. Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, don't be such a baby. The Dead Collector: I can't take him. The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I feel fine. Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, do me a favor. The Dead Collector: I can't. Large Man with Dead Body: Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long. The Dead Collector: I promised I'd be at the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today. Large Man with Dead Body: Well, when's your next round? The Dead Collector: Thursday. The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I think I'll go for a walk. Large Man with Dead Body: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there anything you could do? The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I feel happy. I feel happy. [the Dead Collector glances up and down the street furtively, then silences the Body with his a whack of his club] Large Man with Dead Body: Ah, thank you very much. The Dead Collector: Not at all. See you on Thursday. Large Man with Dead Body: Right.
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