Billy Flynn: I don't mean to toot my own horn, but if Jesus Christ lived in Chicago today, and he had come to me and he had five thousand dollars, let's just say things would have turned out differently.
(24 votes)
2
Annie: I met Ezekiel Young from Salt Lake city about two years ago and he told me he was single and we hit it off right away. So, we started living together. He'd go to work, he'd come home, I'd fix him a drink, we'd have dinner. And then I found out. "Single" he told me. Single, my ass. Not only was he married... oh, no, he had six wives. One of those Mormons, you know. So that night, when he came home, I fixed him his drink as usual. You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic.
(22 votes)
3
Roxie: It'll never work. Velma Kelly: Why not? Roxie: Because I hate you. Velma Kelly: There's only one business where that's no problem at all.
(22 votes)
4
Velma Kelly: She stole my garters.
(21 votes)
5
Velma Kelly: Come on, babe, we're gonna brush the sky. I betcha Lucky Lindy never flew so high 'cause in the stratosphere how could he lend an ear to all that jazz.
(21 votes)
6
Roxie: They LOVE me. Billy Flynn: They'd love you a lot more if you were hanged. You know why? Because it would sell more papers... That's Chicago.
(2 votes)
7
Roxie: Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Matron Mama Morton: Deary, you're talking to the wrong people.
8
Roxie: You're, THE Velma Kelly. I was there the night you got arrested. Velma Kelly: Yeah? You and half of Chicago.
9
Velma Kelly: [about Roxie] First she steals my publicity. Then she steals my lawyer, my trial date. And now she steals my goddamn garter.
10
Liz: You know how some people have those habits that get you down? Like Bernie. Bernie liked to chew gum. No, not chew. POP. So I come home from work one night and I'm real irritated, and I'm looking for a little sympathy. And there's Bernie, lying on the couch, drinking a beer and chewin'. No, not chewin'. POPPIN'. So I said "If you pop that gum one more time..." And he did. So I took the shotgun off the wall and fired two warning shots... into his head.
11
Billy Flynn: This trial... the whole world... it's all... show business.
12
June: I'm standin' in the kitchen, carving up a chicken for dinner, minding my own business, when in storms my husband, Wilbur, in a jealous rage. "You've been screwing the milkman," he said. He was crazy, and he kept on screaming, "You've been screwing the milkman." And then he ran into my knife... he ran into my knife ten times.
13
Billy Flynn: Give 'em a show that's so splendiferous, row after row will grow vociferous.
14
Velma Kelly: [to Roxie] You wanted advice? Well here it is... straight from me to you... keep your paws off my underwear.
15
Mona: I loved Al Lipshitz more than I could say. He was a real artistic type, a painter. He was always trying to find himself. He'd go out every night looking for himself. And on the way, he found Ruth. Gladys. Rosemary. And Irving. I guess you could say we broke up because of artistic differences. He saw himself as alive. And I saw him dead.
16
Roxie: You want some advice, well here's a piece of advice from me to you, lay off the caramels. [She winks]
17
Billy Flynn: Would you please tell the audience... err... the jury what happened?
18
Roxie: Don't you wanna take my picture?
19
Billy Flynn: Give 'em the old razzle dazzle. Razzle razzle 'em. Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it and the reaction will be passionate.
20
Velma Kelly: My sister and I had an act that couldn't flop. My sister and I were headed straight for the top. My sister and I made a thou a week at least, but my sister is now unfortunately deceased. I know it's sad, of course, but a fact is still a fact. And now all that remains is the remains of a perfect double act.
21
Velma Kelly: [Rising from the stage alone] 'C'mon Babe, why don't we paint the town... And all that Jazz. I'm gonna rouge my knees and role my stockings down... And all Jazz. Start the car I know a whoopie spot... where the gin is cold and the pianos hot. It's just a noisy hall, where there's a nightly brawl... And all that Jazz.
22
Amos Hart: Cellophane. Mr. Cellophane shoulda been my name, Mr. Cellophane, 'cause you can look right through me, walk right by me and never know I'm there.
23
Billy Flynn: [singing] Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes we both, oh yes we both, oh yes we both reached for the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun. Oh, yes, we both reached for the gun, for the gun.
Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God? Velma Kelly: And then some. Bailiff: Take a seat. Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: Would you state your name for the record, please? Velma Kelly: Velma Kelly. Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: Ms. Kelly, would you please tell the court if the object that I am holding is the one you happened to come across in the defendant's jail cell? Velma Kelly: Yes, it is. Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: I submit this as Exhibit X - Roxie Hart's diary! Billy Flynn: I object! My client has never held a diary! And even if she did, this would be... invasion of privacy, and violation of the fourth amendment, and... and illegal search without a warrant! Roxie Hart: Yeah, AND she broke the lock!
26
Billy Flynn: I object. Judge: Sustained. Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: Your Honor, I haven't even asked a question yet.
27
Velma Kelly: My sister Veronica and I had this double act, and my husband Charlie traveled around with us. Now for the last number in our act we did these 20 acrobatic tricks in a row: one, two, three, four, five, splits, spread-eagles, back-flips, flip-flops, one right after the other. So this one night before the show we're at the hotel Cicero, the three of us boozin, having a few laughs, and we run out of ice, so I run out to get some. I come back, open the door, and there's Veronica and Charlie doing number 17, the spread-eagle. Well, I was in such a state of shock that I completely blacked out; I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands, I even knew they were dead.
28
Roxie: [singing] With just one more brain what a half-wit he'd be...
29
Bandleader: Mr. Billy Flynn and the press conference rag. Notice how his mouth never moves... almost.
30
Velma Kelly: [singing] No I'm no one's wife, but oh, I love my life and all that jazz.
31
Roxie: God that's beautiful. Billy Flynn: Cut out God. Stay where you're better acquainted.
32
Roxie: You were mentioned in the paper today, in the back with the obituaries. 'Velma Kelly's trial has been post-poned indefinitely.' Seven words.
33
Roxie: You can like the life you're living, you can live the life you like. You can even marry Harry, but mess around with Ike.
34
Roxie: [singing] If they string me up, well, I'll know who brought the twine. That scummy, crummy, dummy hubby of mine.
35
Roxie: [singing] He ain't no sheik, that's no great physique, and lord knows he ain't got the smarts.
36
[after singing "Mr. Cellophane"] Amos Hart: Hope I didn't take up too much of your time.
37
Matron Mama Morton: [singing] Don't you know that this hand washes that one, too? When you're good to Mama, Mama's good to you.
38
Roxie: [singing] I can't stand that sap. Amos: What a sap I was.
39
Matron Mama Morton: In this town, murder's a form of entertainment.
40
Roxie: ...And Sophie Tucker will shit I know, to see her name get billed below... Roxie Hart.
41
Velma Kelly: You know you're really not that bad. Roxie: Yeah, that and a dime. What the hell are you doing here. Velma Kelly: Heard you been making the rounds. Roxie: Yeah well, if it was up to you I'd be swinging by now. Velma Kelly: I'd always knew Billy'd get you off. You should know how to put things behind you. Roxie: I'll put that at the top of my list once I find a job... and an apartment, with a jon.
42
Roxie: "Oooh, the audience loves me... and I love them. And they love me for loving them and I love them for loving me. And we love each other. And that's because none of us got enough love in our childhood. And that's showbiz... kid."
43
[Roxie falls down] Ms. Sunshine: Roxie, dear, what happened? Roxie: Oh, don't worry about me. I just hope it didn't hurt the baby. [Reporters gasp] Velma Kelly: [watching from stairs] Oh, shit.
44
Roxie: [to Amos] you are a disloyal husband
45
Bandleader: Miss Velma Kelly in an act... of desperation
46
Roxie: [singing] And then he shot off his trap... man I can't stand that sap. Look at him go. Rattin on me.
47
[after Velma has testified against Roxie, Billy moves to discredit her] Bandleader: And now, ladies and gentlemen, a tap dance.
48
Roxie: This dress makes me look like a Woolworths lamp shade. I'm not wearing this dress. Billy Flynn: You're wearing cause I tell you too. Roxie: I'm not wearing it.
49
Reporter: Would you like to give us a word or two? Kitty Baxter: I'll give you three- GO TO HELL.
50
[after Roxie finds out about Fred Casley] Roxie: Yeah I killed him and I would kill him again. Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: Once was enough Deary. Take her down to the Cook County Jail.
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