Other Titles • Arsenic and Old Lace • Frank Capra's 'Arsenic and Old Lace' (1944) • Arsen und Spitzenhäubchen (1952) • Arsen und alte Spitzen (1952)
Quotes from Arsenic and Old Lace (1944)
1
[Speaking of a character in a play he has seen] Mortimer Brewster: He just sits there waiting to be gagged and tied - the big dope!
2
[last lines] Mortimer Brewster: No, no. I'm not a Brewster. I'm the son of a sea-cook! Ha! Ha! Chaaaaarrrge!
3
Cab Driver: I'm not a cab driver. I'm a coffeepot!
4
Dr. Einstein: At least people in plays act like they've got sense. Mortimer Brewster: Oh, you think so? Did you ever see anybody in a play act like they got any intelligence? Dr. Einstein: [agonizing] How can anybody be so stupid!
5
Elaine Harper: But Mortimer, you're going to love me for my mind, too. Mortimer Brewster: One thing at a time!
6
Mortimer Brewster: This is developing into a very bad habit! I don't know if I can explain it to you. It's not only against the law, it's wrong!
7
Mortimer Brewster: Yeah, yeah, I know that bromide. Something borrowed, something blue - old, new! Rice and old shoes, carry you over the threshold, Niagara Falls - all the silly tripe I've made fun of for years. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you and that's that! Elaine Harper: [Adoring] Yes, Mortimer. Mortimer Brewster: What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? Aren't you going to make a scene? Elaine Harper: [Adoring] No, Mortimer. Mortimer Brewster: And don't "No, Mortimer" me either! Don't... Don't you see, marriage is a superstition, it... It's old-fashioned, it's... I... Ohhhh... [He kisses her and hauls her into the marriage license office]
8
Teddy Brewster: [His first line] I must be catching cold. Abby Brewster: No, dear, it was Reverend Harper who sneezed.
9
Reverend Harper: Have you ever tried to persuade him that he wasn't Teddy Roosevelt? Abby Brewster: Oh, no. Martha Brewster: Oh, he's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt. Abby Brewster: Oh... Do you remember, Martha, once, a long time ago, we thought if he'd be George Washington, it would be a change for him, and we suggested it. Martha Brewster: And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody.
10
[Discussing the body count] Dr. Einstein: You got twelve, they got twelve. [Angrily grabs Dr. Einstein's necktie] Jonathan Brewster: I've got thirteen! Dr. Einstein: No, Johnny, twelve - don't brag. Jonathan Brewster: Thirteen! There's Mr. Spinalzo and the first one in London, two in Johannesburg, one in Sydney, one in Melbourne, two in San Francisco, one in Phoenix, Arizona... Dr. Einstein: Phoenix? Jonathan Brewster: The filling station... Dr. Einstein: Filling station? Oh! [Slits throat] Dr. Einstein: Yes. Jonathan Brewster: Then three in Chicago and one in South Bend. Dr. Einstein: You cannot count the one in South Bend. He died of pneumonia! Jonathan Brewster: He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him! Dr. Einstein: No, no, Johnny. You cannot count him. You got twelve, they got twelve. The old ladies is just as good as you are!
11
Mortimer Brewster: The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. Teddy Brewster: Code for Roosevelt? Mortimer Brewster: Yes. Don't you see? Take the name Brewster, take away the B, and what have you got? Teddy Brewster: Rooster! Mortimer Brewster: Uh-huh. And what does a rooster do? Teddy Brewster: Crows. Mortimer Brewster: It crows. And where do you hunt in Africa? Teddy Brewster: On the veldt! Mortimer Brewster: There you are: crows - veldt! Teddy Brewster: Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department.
12
Mortimer Brewster: Insanity runs in my family... It practically gallops.
13
Mortimer Brewster: Aunt Abby, how can I believe you? There are twelve bodies in the cellar and you admit you poisoned them. Aunt Abby Brewster: Yes, I did. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib.
14
Dr. Einstein: Where am I? Oh, here I am.
15
Elaine Harper: Well, that's a fine thing. We're married one minute and you're throwing me out of the house the next. Mortimer Brewster: I am not throwing you out of the house, I am not throwing you out of the house, I am not throwing you out of the house. Will you get out of here? [Pushes her out and slams the door; Mr. Gibbs is standing on the porch holding a newspaper] Mr. Gibbs: I read that there was a room for rent here... Elaine Harper: Oh, shut up!
16
Mortimer Brewster: When I come back, I expect to find you gone. Wait for me!
17
Martha Brewster: One of our gentlemen found time to say 'How delicious!' before he died.
18
[after finding the dead body in the window seat] Mortimer Brewster: But - what happened to him? Martha Brewster: [cheerfully] He died.
19
Dr. Einstein: We got a hot stiff on our hands!
20
Teddy Brewster: Mr. Witherfork! Mr. Witherspoon: Spoon!
21
[On the telephone] Mortimer Brewster: Hello... Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? [Hangs up] Mortimer Brewster: Well, then I must not be dreaming.
22
[Elaine is impatient to leave on the honeymoon] Elaine Harper: But, Mortimer - Niagara Falls. Mortimer Brewster: It does? Well, let it.
23
Aunt Martha: For a gallon of elderberry wine, I take one teaspoon full of arsenic, then add half a teaspoon full of strychnine, and then just a pinch of cyanide.
24
Jonathan Brewster: Perhaps we should introduce ourselves. This is Dr. Einstein. Elaine Harper: Dr. Einstein? Jonathan Brewster: Yes, a surgeon of great distinction... and something of a magician. Elaine Harper: Now, I suppose you're going to tell me that you're Boris Kar... Jonathan Brewster: I am Jonathan Brewster!
25
Jonathan Brewster: We better not leave the car parked in the street. It might be against the law.
26
[Speaking of the Brewster sisters] Police Sgt. Brophy: They're two of the dearest, sweetest, kindest, old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves.
27
[to Mortimer] Elaine Harper: We were married today. We were going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Your brother tries to kill me. A taxi is waiting and now you want to sleep on a window seat. You can take the honeymoon, your wedding ring, your taxi, your window seat, and put 'em in a barrel and push 'em all over Niagara Falls!
28
[Repeated line] Jonathan Brewster: Go to bed, Aunt Abby!
29
[to Jonathan] Mortimer Brewster: Where did you get that face? Hollywood?
30
Jonathan Brewster: Teddy, I think it's time for you to go to bed. Teddy Brewster: I beg your pardon. Who are you? Jonathan Brewster: I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed! Teddy Brewster: No, you're not Wilson, but you're face is familiar. Let me see. You're not anyone I know right now - perhaps later on my hunting trip. Yes, you look like someone I might meet in the jungle.
31
Mortimer Brewster: Certainly there are thirteen bodies in the cellar and there are hundreds more in the attic!
32
[after listening to Mortimer's description of a character in a play] Dr. Einstein: You know, you were right about that fellow. He wasn't very bright.
33
[Explaining to Elaine why they shouldn't be married] Mortimer Brewster: You wouldn't want to have children with three heads, would you? I mean, you wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. Oh, it would be bad.
34
Mortimer Brewster: All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. Amazing.
35
Cab Driver: I knew this would end up in the nuthouse. Mr. Witherspoon: [offended] We like to think of it as a rest home!
36
[threatening Mortimer] Jonathan Brewster: If you tell O'Hara what's in the window seat, I'll tell him what's in the cellar. There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead.
37
Reporter: Seems like the same suckers get married everyday.
38
[singing] Mortimer Brewster: There is a Happydale, far, far away...
39
Mortimer Brewster: You didn't want the reverend to see the body? Aunt Abby: Well, not at tea. That wouldn't have been very nice.
40
Dr. Einstein: Johnny, why did you kill that man? He was being nice to us and gave us a ride. Jonathan Brewster: He said I looked like Boris Karloff!
41
Mortimer Brewster: Men don't just get into window seats and die! Abby Brewster: Of course not, dear. He died first. Mortimer Brewster: But how? Abby Brewster: The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. Now, I don't know why you're making such a big deal over this Mortimer. Don't you worry about a thing!
42
Jonathan Brewster: This time, I want the face of an absolute non-enity!
43
[Meeting with Dr. Gilchrist in the cemetery] Mortimer Brewster: Pull up a tombstone!
44
Jonathan Brewster: Tonight, we are taking care of Mortimer. And just for him we'll have something special. I plan on using the Melbourne method. Dr. Einstein: [cringing] No! Not the Melbourne method, please! Two hours!
45
Mortimer Brewster: Teddy, I'd like to introduce you to a doctor. Teddy Brewster: Dr. Livingston? Dr. Gilchrist: He thinks I'm Livingstone? Mortimer Brewster: Uh, that's what he presumes.
46
Aunt Abby: Now Mortimer, you behave. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this!
47
Mortimer Brewster: There's a body in the window seat. Aunt Abby: Yes, dear, we know. Mortimer Brewster: You know? Aunt Abby: Of course! We never dreamed you'd peek.
48
Mortimer Brewster: [on the telephone] Yes, operator, I'd like the Happy Dale Sanatorium, Happy Dale, New York. Come on, operator, what's taking so long? They're just across the river. I could swim it faster! No, I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry. I want the Happy Dale Sanatorium. Sanatorium, sanatorium, sanatorium. Yes, yes, like a broken record. Hello - what? They're busy? Busy? Look, they're busy and you're dizzy. No, I am not drunk, madam, but you've given me an idea. [throws down the phone in disgust]
49
Lt. Rooney: Who are you? What's your name? Mortimer Brewster: Well, usually I'm Mortimer Brewster, but I'm not quite myself today.
50
Aunt Abby Brewster: Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in half with his teeth? Mortimer Brewster: Oh, Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now.
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