Other Titles • Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001) • VA5 • View Askew 5 • Jay und Silent Bob schlagen zurück (2002)
Quotes from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001)
1
Jay: [singing] Fuck, fuck, fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, fuck / Mother fuck, mother fuck, / Noich noich noich, / 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4, / Noich, noich noich / Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz, / Doin' coke, drinkin' beers, / Drinkin' beers, beers, beers, / Rollin' fattys, smokin' blunts, / Who smokes the blunts? / We smoke the blunts. / Rollin' blunts and smokin'... Teen #2: Uh, let me get a nickel bag. Jay: [singing] / Fifteen bucks, little man, / Put that shit in my hand, / If that money doesn't show, / Then you owe me, owe me, owe, / My jungle love, yeah, / Owe-ee, owe-ee, owe, / I think I want to know ya, know ya, / Yeah, what? Teen #1: What the hell are you singing? Jay: You don't know "Jungle Love?" That shit is the mad notes. Written by God herself and sent down to the greatest band in the world: The mother-fucking Time. Teen #2: You mean the guys in that Prince movie? [Silent Bob points to the two teens] Teen #1: Yeah, Purple Rain. Teen #2: Man, that shit was so gay - fucking eighties style.
(4 votes)
2
Jay: I am the master of the C.L.I.T. Remember this fucking face. Whenever you see C.L.I.T., you'll see this fucking face. I make that shit work. It does whatever the fuck I tell it to. No one rules the C.L.I.T like me. Not this little fuck [referring to Silent Bob] Jay: , none of you little fucks out there. I AM THE C.L.I.T. COMMANDER! Remember that, commander of all C.L.I.T.s! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. OOH you little fuck. Then I rub my nose with it.
(2 votes)
3
Jay: Yo lunchbox, hurry it up.
(2 votes)
4
Sissy: Y'know, I don't get you, Justice. You used to be into all this girl stuff. Stealing, boning, blowing shit up, and now you're like this little priss with a conscience. It's really a fucking drag.
5
Holden: If the buzz is any indicator, that movie's gonna make some huge bank. Jay: What buzz? Holden: The Internet buzz. Jay: What the fuck is the Internet? Holden: The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.
6
Banky: Stop the movie? What are you, crazy? Jay: All these assholes on the internet are calling us names because of this stupid fucking movie. Banky: That's what the internet is for. Slandering others anonymously. Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that. Jay: This isn't fair. We came to Hollywood, I fell in love. Fuckin', we got shot at, we stole a monkey, and I got punched in the motherfucking nuts by a guy named Cock-Knocker. Banky: You know what? I feel for you boys, I really do, but Miramax - you know, Miramax Films - paid me a shitload of money for Bluntman and Chronic. So it occurs to me that people badmouthing you on some website, is NONE OF MY FUCKING CONCERN. Silent Bob: Oh, but I think it is... We had a deal with you, on the comics remember, for likeness rights, and as we're not only the artistic basis, but also obviously the character basis, for your intellectual property, Bluntman and Chronic. When said property was optioned by Miramax Films, you were legally obliged to secure our permission to transfer the concept to another medium. As you failed to do that, Banky, you are in breach of the original contract, ergo you find yourself in a very actionable position. Jay: Yeah.
7
Tricia Jones: [on "Bluntman and Chronic: The Movie"] Well! That was just another paean to male adolescence and it's refusal to grow up. Alyssa Jones: Yeah, sis. But it was better than "Mallrats". At least Holden had the good sense to leave his name off of it. Tricia Jones: Why didn't Miramax option his other comic instead. You know, the one about you and him and your "relationship"? Alyssa Jones: Oh, "Chasing Amy"? That would never work as a movie.
8
Jay: Do they say who's fuckin' playing us in the movie? Holden: No, but it's Miramax. So I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. They put those guys in a bunch of movies. Jay: Who? Holden: You know, those kids from Good Will Hunting? Jay: You mean that fuckin' movie with Mork from Ork in it? Holden: Yeah, I wasn't a big fan either... but Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms". Jay: Word, bitch, Phantoms like a mallfucker.
9
Jay: Affleck, you the *bomb* in Phantoms yo!
10
Chaka's Production Assistant: [after asked to get a new clean latte] Here's your coffee sir, booger-free. Chaka Luther King: [slaps it out his hands] Shut the fuck up.
11
Ben Affleck: [ready to act but haven't heard "Action"] So… Action, Gus or what? Gus Van Sant: Christ, Ben, I said I'm busy.
12
Whillenholly: It may not be my way, but damn if there doesn't go one happy family. All right, gang, let's just shoot some tear gas into the diner, and then when the guys come out with the monkey, we'll... Fuckbeans. That was them, wasn't it?
13
Reg Hartner: And we do want to say to the people at home, the clit is not something to be played with.
14
Brodie: Oh my God. Don't tell me you have no idea there's a movie being made of the comic you two were the basis for. Jay: What? Since when? Brodie: See, here's the pulse. And this is your finger, far away from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass. Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?
15
[typing a message on an internet chat room] Jay: All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making that movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. Then you're all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob.
16
Jay: Ladies, Ladies, Ladies, Jay and Silent Bob are in the hizzouse!
17
Jay: Zoinks, yo!
18
Jay: I hope one rips the other one's shirt off and we see some fuckin titties floppin around, yeah!
19
Justice: Hi, I'm Justice. Jay: And I'm so fucking yours. [Justice is almost repulsed when Jay makes a quick save] Jay: Oh, Hi, I'm Jay and this is my hetero-life-mate, Silent Bob. Justice: It's nice to meet you. Jay: Justice, that's a nice name... [aside] Jay: Jay and Justice sitting in a tree, f-u-c-k-i-n-g...
20
[Justice and Sissy are engaged in a fist-fight] Sissy: Your shit is really getting tired, Justice. Justice: Call me 'Boo-Boo-Kitty-Fuck', bitch.
21
Jay: Hey. Get the fuck off her. That's my ex-girlfriend's monkey.
22
Willenholly: Put the monkey down, and your hands up. Let's go, misters. Do you want to get shot? I didn't think so. Jay: Look, man. She doesn't want to go back to the lab. And for the record, I ain't gay. Willenholly: And for the record, while we're one the subject, I knew that wasn't a real little boy. Jay: And for one more record, he loves the cock.
23
Missy: Oh my god, he just called Sissy 'Juggs'. Chrissy: I'm on it. [pulls out knife] Jay: What's with the knife, we havin' cake or something? Chrissy: Great, he's retarded to boot. Jay: [to Silent Bob] Dude, she called you retarded.
24
Jay: Holy fuck, is that monkey waving at us? Oh, shit, It understood us! Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey. What if there's more supermonkeys up at that lab? [shouts] Jay: What if they're creating an army of them? Holy shit. It must be a conspiracy like in the X-Files... *Roswell* style! This little monkey could be the fuckin' damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey- the monkey will spank us. And after the fall of man, these monkey fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. Oh and only those as super smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry - *you maniacs*! Damn yous! Goddamn yous all to hell!
25
[Sniffing out white people] Chaka Luther King: Cra-cra-cracker?
26
[Cock-Knocker has gotten his hand chopped off] Cock-Knocker: Not again.
27
[several security guards, led by Gordon, have suddenly rushed onto the set of Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season] Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Sorry to interrupt sirs, but we've got a 10-07 on our hands. Matt Damon: [exasperated] Oh Jesus, again Ben? Ben Affleck: [cocky] No, bullshit, because I wasn't WITH a hooker today, ha-HA! Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: There they are! Jay: Affleck, you the bomb in "Phantoms", yo!
28
Miramax Security Guard Gordon: Echo Base, I've got a 10-07: two unauthorized on the lot, requesting backup. Echo Base: [over Gordon's walkie talkie] I thought that was a 10-82. Miramax Security Guard Gordon: No sir, a 10-82 is disappearing a dead hooker from Ben Affleck's trailer. Echo Base: [slightly amused] Oh, that Affleck! Backup on the way...
29
Whillenholly: I don't get out to the movies that much, but "Bluntman and Chronic" was blunt-tastic.
30
[regarding the Bluntman and Chronic movie] Randal Graves: That was definitely worse than "Clash of the Titans." Dante Hicks: I can't believe Judi Dench played me. Randal Graves: Remind me to renew that restraining order. Dante Hicks: Why? Randal Graves: Because I'm going to blast that flick on the internet tonight.
31
Customer at Quick Stop: Are you even supposed to be here today? Dante Hicks: Don't get me started.
32
[Reading a message off the Internet] Holden: Fuck Jay and Silent Bob. Fuck them up their stupid asses.
33
Holden: Why in God's name would I wanna keep writing about characters whose central preoccupation are weed and dick and fart jokes? I mean, ya gotta grow man. Don't you ever want anything more for yourself? I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does. I look into his sorry doe eyes and I just, I see a man crying out. He's crying out, "When Lord? When the fuck can your servant ditch this foul-mouthed little chucklehead to whom I am a constant victim of his folly, so much so that it prevents him from ever getting to kiss a girl! Fuck! When, Lord when? WHENS GONNA BE MY TIME?"
34
Jay: What are you trying to say? Just say it already. Silent Bob: [screams] THE SIGN on the back of the car said "Critters Of HOLLYWOOD", YOU DUMB FUCK! Jay: Say it, don't spray it.
35
Chaka's Production Assistant: You the man. Chaka Luther King: No, you the man, and that's the problem.
36
[Jay tries to talk his way out of a drug bust] Jay: What? I've got a wiping problem. I just stick those little pieces up my brown-eye and bam! I get no stains in my undies. What you don't believe me? Check this shit out. Spread my cheeks, so he can see the fucking stink nuggets!
37
Hooker #1: Hey, little man! You want some of this? Hooker #2: How 'bout you, big boy? Hooker #1: You got 50 bucks, we can get NASTY. Jay: Oh, yeah? How nasty? Hooker #2: As nasty as you want to be, papi. Jay: Oh, all right. Well, first, I want you to tongue my bung, while you juggle my balls in one hand, and play with my asshole with the other, but don't stick you're finger in. Then I want to pinky you while I stick in your fuckin' friend's brown, while Silent Bob watches, and fuckin' spanks it in a Dixie cup. After that, I want to smell your titties for a while, and you can pull my nutsack up over my dick so it looks like a bullfrog. Then I want you to fuckin' flick my nuts while your friend spanks me off in the same Dixie cup that Silent Bob jizzed in. Then, we throw the Dixie cup out. [brief silence] Hooker #1: Oh, that's it, honey! I quit! This job just passed the point of no return! [both hookers leave] Jay: What? You said "nasty"! [to Silent Bob] Jay: Man, chicks in Hollywood are so stuck-up.
38
Jay: Dude, I think I just filled the cup.
39
Chaka: Another white boy in this movie? Damn.
40
Jay: Don't you never say an unkind word about the Time. Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole fucking lives around Morris Day and Jerome. I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy. And Tubby here is my black man servant. What.
41
Jay: Hey, wait a second! Aren't you the guy who fucked the pie! Jason Biggs: You see! It's never "Hey! You're that guy from Loser" or "Hey you rocked in Boys and Girls." No, it always comes back to that fucking pie! I'm HAUNTED by it! James Van Der Beek: You put your dick in a pie!
42
Chaka: This movie is gonna make House Party look like House Party 2. Chaka's Production Assistant: Or House Party 3! Chaka: Shut the fuck up.
43
Chaka: Crazy crackers with guns. Its time I get my black ass out of here.
44
Teen #1: Jay says you guys had a Star Wars themed wedding, and you tied the knot dressed as Storm Troopers. Teen #2: Yeah, and he says you're the bitch and you're the butch. Dante Hicks: I'm the BITCH! Randal Graves: Well, if we were gay, that's certainly the way I'd see it. Dante Hicks: Will you shut up! Teen #1: [to Teen #2] Holy shit, dude. The honeymoon's over.
45
Cock-Knocker: Don't fuck with the Jedi Master, son.
46
[James Van Der Beek and Jason Biggs are being arrested by mistake] James Van Der Beek: You've got the wrong guys! Doesn't anyone watch the WB? Jason Biggs: I'm a teen idol, dammit! Don't you recognize me? Look at me. I'm the pie fucker. Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: [to his buddies] Yeah, well. In prison, he'll be the pie.
47
Jay: Miramax? I thought they only did classy pictures, like "The Piano" and "The Crying Game". Brodie: Yeah, but then they made "She's All That" and it went downhill from there.
48
Jay: Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?
49
[the Scooby gang are arguing amongst themselves] Jay: Yo. You guys need to turn those frowns upside down. And I got just the thing for that. [pulls out a bag of rolled up joints] Jay: We call them Doobie Snax.
50
[fighting about Jason Biggs blatant homophobia] Jason Biggs: No. I, I love gay people. James Van Der Beek: Yeah, I'll bet you do. Jason Biggs: No, I'm fine with gay... [Jason Biggs notices the Chimpanzee] Jason Biggs: Oh, look at the monkey. James Van Der Beek: Now you're gonna tell me the monkey's gay. Jason Biggs: Well, how do you know he doesn't smoke monkey pole?
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