Charlie: Don't you think it's time you told me who you are. I mean, don't get me wrong, doing the Duke thing with you 24/7 is a blast, but really. Who are you? Leopold: [after a pause, simply] I'm the man that loves your sister.
(72 votes)
2
Kate: Why are you standing? Leopold: I am accustomed to stand when a lady leaves the table. [So, Charlie gets up]
(72 votes)
3
Leopold: I tell you, that thing is a damn hazard! Kate: It's just a toaster! Leopold: Why is it called a toaster when it produces no toast, but simply warm bread, and inserting it two times produces charcoal? The ideal toaster would have one and a half insertions to produce the correct toast. Kate: You know something? Nobody gives a rat's ass that you have to push the toast down twice, and you know why? Because everybody pushes their toast down twice! Leopold: Not where I come from! Kate: Oh, right. Where you come from, toast is a result of reflection and study! Leopold: Ah yes, you mock me. But perhaps one day when you've awoken from a pleasant slumber to the scent of a warm bioche smothered in marmalade and fresh creamery butter, you'll understand that life is not solely composed of tasks, but tastes. Kate: [mesmerized] Say that again.
(63 votes)
4
Kate: I don't want it to be Sunday. I want more of this, more 1876.
(68 votes)
5
Leopold: Are you suggesting madam that there exists a law compelling a gentleman to lay hold of canine bowel movements? Police Officer: I'm suggesting that you pick the poop up.
(66 votes)
6
Kate: People might think I'm brave, but I'm not. Leopold: The brave are simply those with the clearest vision of what is before them - glory and danger alike and notwithstanding, go out to meet it.
(5 votes)
7
Stuart: Theoretically, if you go to the past in the future, then your future lies in the past. This is a picture of you in the future - in the past.
(7 votes)
8
Kate: I'm not very good with men. Leopold: Perhaps you haven't found the right one. Kate: Maybe. Or, uh... maybe that whole love thing is just a grown-up version of Santa Claus; just a myth we've been fed since childhood. So, we keep buying magazines, joining clubs, and doing therapy and watching movies with hit pop songs played over love montages all in a pathetic attempt to explain why our love Santa keeps getting caught in the chimney.
(3 votes)
9
Kate: What is this? Darci: It's a reply to Leopold's invitation. You're going, right? Kate: I haven't decided yet. Darci: Oh, you haven't decided if you want to have dinner on your rooftop with a duke? Kate: Who thinks he's from 1876! No! And I would appreciate it if you... Darci: Kate, come on, okay? I don't know what this guy did to piss you off but that is the best apology letter in the history of mankind.
(2 votes)
10
Stuart: Maybe the reason I was your guy was so I could help you find your guy.
(2 votes)
11
[Talking to himself] Leopold: Ah Miss Blaine, you dance like a herd of cattle. You are a rare woman who lights up a room simply by leaving it!
(2 votes)
12
[Has chased and cornered a bag snatcher, while on horseback] Leopold: I warn you scoundrel, I was trained at the King's Academy and schooled in weaponry by the palace guard. You stand no chance. When you run, I shall ride, when you stop, the steel of this strap shall be lodged in your brain. [bag snatcher throws down the bag an flees, onlookers applaud]
(2 votes)
13
[Leopold and Charlie leave the club. Charlie is fuming because Leopold has enthralled Patrice, Charlie's love interest] Charlie: And I would have gotten her number if you hadn't turned the evening into a guided tour of the Louvre! Leopold: My apologies. Charlie: Let's get one thing straight. Patrice, she thought you were cute - probably gay, and cute - and cute, Leo, that's just the kiss of death. Leopold: Perhaps. Charlie: Perhaps? Certainly! Leopold: [produces a napkin] I believe this is her number. [Charlie takes it from him in disbelief] Leopold: As I see it, Patrice has not an inkling of your affections, and it's no wonder. You, Charles, are a merry-andrew. Charlie: A what? Leopold: Everything plays a farce to you. Women respond to sincerity. No-one wants to be romanced by a buffoon. Now, that number rings her. Charlie: Yes? Leopold: So ring her tomorrow. Charlie: I can't. She gave the number to you. Leopold: Only because I told her of your affections. Charlie: [taken aback] Wha - what did you say? Leopold: Merely that you admired her, but you were hesitant to make an overture, as you'd been told she was courting another. Charlie: Shit... that's good! Well, what did she say? Leopold: She handed me the napkin. [Charlie rushes under a lit store window to read the napkin, and starts dialing his cell phone] Leopold: Charles, it's quite late. Charlie: No, no, she won't be home yet. I get her machine and leave a message, ball's in her court. Leopold: You're ladling calculation upon comedy. The point is, to keep the ball in *your* court. Charlie: [slaps his phone shut] You're right! You're right!
(2 votes)
14
Stuart: Women have changed since your time, Leo. They've become dangerous!
(2 votes)
15
Leopold: You require a chaperone. His intentions are obvious. Kate: I'm alone with you, do I need a chaperone? Leopold: We are not courting, Kate. If we were, as a man of honour, I would have informed you of my intentions in writing.
(2 votes)
16
Leopold: Some feel that to court a woman in one's employ is nothing more than a serpentine effort to transform a lady into a whore.
(1 vote)
17
Leopold: [of the Brooklyn Bridge] Good Lord, it still stands. The world has changed all around it, but Roebling's erection still stands! Ha, ha! [to nearest bystander] Leopold: That, my friend, is a miracle! Sanitation Worker: What? Leopold: It's a miracle, man! Sanitation Worker: It's a bridge.
(1 vote)
18
Charlie: We have a saying in the McKay house: "You shake and shake the ketchup bottle, none will come, and then a lot'll."
19
Kate: I wasted the best years of my life on you. Stuart: Those were your best years?
20
[From Director's Cut] Kate: We make cereal crunchier. We make boring movies shorter. We made Smucker's get the seeds out of their jam. We did that. As far as I'm concerned, we're heroes.
21
Kate: So clearly, you must be a man out of time or Sergeant Pepper!
22
[Talking on the phone] Stuart: Are you sitting down? Kate: [standing] Yes. Stuart: No, you're not. Kate: Yes, I am. Stuart: No, you're not. Kate: Ye... [Kate sits down in chair with a thud] Kate: Okay. Stuart: I found it. Kate: What did you find? Stuart: The portal. A crack in the fabric of time. It was over the East River, Kate, just where I said it would be. Kate: You found the portal? Stuart: A portal into April 28th, 1876. I jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge and took a walk in 1876 today. I followed the Duke of Albany around old New York. Are you listening? Kate: Avidly. Stuart: This here's the twist, Kate. Here's the kicker. Kate: What's the kicker? Stuart: [whispering] He followed me home.
23
Stuart: You of all people should understand, you're a scientist. I mean, you invented the elevator. Leopold: What is an elevator? What are you talking... Where the hell am I? Stuart: I told you, you haven't actually gone anywhere, you're still in New York. Leopold: That sir, is not New York! Kate: I'm afraid it is!
24
[to Charlie] Leopold: Is it your habit sir, to simply enter a conversation without introduction?
25
Kate: Are you for real? Leopold: I believe so.
26
Charlie: You want to vex my sister!
27
Kate: Stuart, Can you tell me in short, complete sentences with words using no less than two syllables to explain why I am in these pictures? Stuart: No. Kate: Try!
28
Kate: I'm not the protagonist in a major motion picture.
29
[on phone] Kate: My palm pilot! You still have it. Stuart: Kate, it's one in the morning. Kate: And clearly, you're awake, so what is the infraction?
30
Leopold: I feel as though we've met on a previous occasion. Kate: Well Lionel, seeing as how I've never met any of Stuart's friends, not even sure he has any, I don't think that's possible.
31
Kate: Look, this is not complex. He gave me the Palm Pilot, he just forgot the pointy thing. Leopold: I've been warned about you. Kate: Oh. And what, pray tell, did the great disappointment say?
32
Kate: Stuart, you can tell me you picked up a transvestite in Times Square. I don't care!
33
Kate: You're tucking me in. Leopold: Yes. Kate: You're my Otis. Leopold: Yes, Your Grace.
34
Roebling: Behold, rising before you, the greatest erection on the continent... the greatest erection of the age... the greatest erection on the planet!
35
Kate: And... it's a great thing to get what you want. It's a really good thing unless what you thought you wanted wasn't really what you wanted... because what you really wanted you couldn't imagine or you didn't think it was possible but what if someone came along who knew exactly what you wanted without asking they just knew... like they could hear your heart beating or listen to your thoughts and what if they were sure of themselves and they didn't have to take a poll and they loved you... but you hesitated and I... uh... I have to go... I'm sorry but... I have to go!
36
Uncle Millard: It has always been your greatest misfortune, nephew, that you so thoroughly amuse yourself with the sound of your own voice. Leopold: In a life as stagnant as mine, that I can amuse myself at all is an evolutionary miracle.
37
Kate: Sunday is the day before the day I work, so it gets poisoned.
38
[first lines] Roebling: Time. Time, it has been proposed, is the fourth dimension. And yet, for mortal man, time has no dimension at all. We are like horses with blinders, seeing only what lies before us. Forever guessing the future and fabricating the past.
39
[last lines] Leopold: Well, let us proceed. Please raise your glasses so we may toast to my bride-to-be, the woman whose welfare and happiness shall be my solemn duty to maintain. The future Duchess of Albany... [Kate catches his eye] Leopold: Kate McKay. Of the McKays of...? Kate: Massapequa. Leopold: Massapequa. Kate: I love you. Leopold: I love you.
40
Charlie: Victorian dude, who has never seen a Met's game, watching TV. Scene: "I say, are those little people in that box of phosphors. Crikey, I believe it is. This game is more beguiling than cricket"
41
Stuart: It is no more crazy than a dog finding a rainbow. Dogs are colourblind, Gretchen. They don't see colour. Just like we don't see time. We can feel it, we can feel it passing, but we can't see it. It's just like a blur. It's like we're riding in a supersonic train and the world is just blowing by, but imagine if we could stop that train, eh, Gretchen? Imagine if we could stop that train, get out, look around, and see time for what it really is? A universe, a world, a thing as unimaginable as colour to a dog, and as real, as tangible as that chair you're sitting in. Now if we could see it like that, really look at it, then maybe we could see the flaws as well as the form. And that's it; it's that simple. That's all I discovered. I'm just a... a guy who saw a crack in a chair that no one else could see. I'm that dog who saw a rainbow, only none of the other dogs believed me.
42
Leopold: Marriage is the promise of eternal love. As a man of honor I cannot promise eternally what I've never felt momentarily.
43
Charlie: [about the dishwasher] And you push this button. Word to the wise: don't press that till she wakes up, so she sees you doing it. Leopold: How clever. The proverbial tree in the woods. Charlie: If a man washes a dish, and no one sees it - Charlie, Leopold: - did it happen? Charlie: Right.
44
Leopold: What has happened to the world? You have every convenience and comfort, yet no time for integrity.
45
Kate: I've been paying dues all of my life. And I'm tired, and I need a rest, and if I have to peddle a little pond scum to get one, then so be it.
46
Stuart: All this time I thought that I had pretxeled fate and that it had to be untwisted, but what I had never considered is that the whole thing *is* a pretzel. A beautiful 4D pretzel of kismetic inevitability.
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