Eight Legged Freaks (2002)

EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS
A film review by David N. Butterworth
Copyright 2002 David N. Butterworth

*** (out of ****)

Prosperity, Arizona. A sleepy desert town with few roadside attractions--a mall that nobody seems to want to go to, an abandoned mineshaft, and an innocent little spider farm nestled alongside a babbling brook. And it's into this creek, which provides the rare and exotic spiders--jumpers, trapdoor, tarantulas--with their fresh water supply, that a drum of nasty chemicals is accidentally introduced in the opening reel of "Eight Legged Freaks."

It doesn't take a degree in math *or* entomology to figure out that "arachnids + noxious chemicals = eight legged freaks!"

As producer Dean Devlin ("Independence Day" and the mega-remake of "Godzilla" from 1998) rightly theorizes, "If you willingly pay money to see a movie called "Eight Legged Freaks," you get your money's worth." True enough, since from the title alone you sense that this is neither an ecologically conscious documentary about the mating rituals of web spinners or a gory, gross-out shocker about creepy crawlies running rampant. No, "Eight Legged Freaks" is a competent horror spoof with decent special effects and likable performances. It's also a whole lot of fun.

Sure it's choc full of jumpy moments, typically when a giant spider yanks something--a dog, an ostrich (yes, Prosperity has ostrich farms as well as spider farms it seems), or a hapless human--out of shot, but you can take the non-spider phobic kids to this one. The film doesn't dwell on what the 18-wheeler-sized spiders do to their victims (i.e., there's no gore, just a smattering of green goo when the mutant bugs find themselves on the receiving end of a shotgun blast or two). And the language is surprisingly toned down.

After a decent set-up, however, the film sort of peters out towards the end, as all of the spiders wind up trapped in those surrounding mines by way of that mall (shades of "Dawn of the Dead"!). Mines that are conveniently filled with highly flammable methane gas, that is.

It doesn't take a degree in chemistry to figure out that "methane gas + Zippo = charbroiled freaks!"

Prior to that point we've been introduced to the know-it-all science dweeb (Scott Terra), his disbelieving teenage sister (the ubiquitous Scarlett Johansson), their pistol-packing mom (Kari Wuhrer, as a no-nonsense, Jennifer Lopez-type Sheriff), and the town's prodigal son (David Arquette with his name above the credits), back to prove that Daddy wasn't crazy when he claimed there was gold in them thar hills. Apparently Arquette ad-libbed the phrase "eight legged freaks" during filming and the producers deemed it the best idea for a title yet ("Arac Attack" and "Attack of the Killer Spiders" having previously been considered, then rejected). Doug E. Doug ("Cool Runnings") is also on hand as a Rastafarian DJ broadcasting government conspiracy theories--for some reason the film is eerily reminiscent of the straight-to-video "Scooby-Doo and the Alien Invaders."

But killer spider lovers aren't here to determine whether or not "Eight Legged Freaks" plays like a rejected "Scooby-Doo" storyline (even if it does). They're coming to see giant spiders running amok, of course, and Ellory Elkayem's film provides an awful lot of those, and well done they are too! The film isn't as clever or as funny as, say, "Lake Placid" (that parody featured a giant croc) and the humor tends to be concentrated more in the final act, as if the filmmakers weren't sure if they wanted to make it comedic after all. But it's got an engaging 1950's charm to it and it's squishy, buggin' fun.

--
David N. Butterworth
dnb@dca.net

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X-Language: en
X-RT-ReviewID: 741636
X-RT-TitleID: 1114810
X-RT-SourceID: 878
X-RT-AuthorID: 1393
X-RT-RatingText: 3/4