Eight Legged Freaks (2002)

EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS (2002)
Reviewed by John Sylva

The title may refer to mutated spiders, but if anyone's a freak in Eight Legged Freaks, it's director Ellory Elkayem-albeit a two-legged one. Updating the B-movie monster romp of yesteryear for the MTV generation, Elkayem's knowledge of the genre is freakishly dead-on with the appropriate mix of effects and screams to work up a fan base; but last time I checked, a B-movie monster romp was still a B-movie monster romp. Eight Legged Freaks, a loud, annoying David Arquette vehicle that's probably the most grating Hollywood offering since 2000's Ready to Rumble (also with Arquette), will probably find more of an audience than any of the summer's quieter, more thoughtful pictures, which can be described as nothing but an injustice-but hey, who cares? This movie's got spiders and guts!

That the likes of David Arquette are caught up in this project is no surprise, but to see Scarlett Johansson, who's coming off a stellar year with roles in the Oscar-nominated films Ghost World and The Man Who Wasn't There, caught up in this mess is downright depressing. She gets the throwaway role of big sister to spider eccentric Mike (Scott Terra) and, apparently, director Elkayem has never seen the actress' other work or he might have given her at least one marginally respectable moment. Johansson's Ashley, along with Mike, whose know-it-all, Harry Potter attitude will have you praying he's next on a spider's menu, and Prosperity, Arizona sheriff cum caring mother Sam (Kari Wuhrer) find themselves entangled in the webs of several hundred spiders that have grown rapidly since a toxic waste spill. Joining with the talents (or lack thereof) of Arquette as hero Chris McCormack, caught up in a terrible romantic subplot with Sam, and Doug E. Doug as paranoid radio DJ Harlan, this family must-as horror vet Laurie Strode would say it-"try to live" as their peaceful yet boring city is rundown by the arachnids with one thing on their minds-to kill. And you thought the Little family had their hands full with a killer falcon.

What Elkayem doesn't realize in either his direction or his screenplay (co-written by Jesse Alexander) is that if you're going to pay tribute to the films that make drive-in theaters a pleasure, you need to take one route-presenting the subject monsters at hand as truly frightening creatures-or the other-not taking the proceedings with the slightest amount of seriousness. In attempting to combine the two, Elkayem loses the already slim chance he has of resurrecting a genre that died decades ago. That the film never summons viewer commitment allows one to note the plot's lack of purpose, making for a repetitive and unlikeable sit in which the only screams are elicited by boredom and the only laughs are on account of the film's poor production values.

The sole mild amusement comes from the corrupt city mayor's (Leon Rippy) desperate attempts to pad his wallet. From a proposed ostrich farm to a mall in which nearly every store is vacant, the film offers a few tongue-in-cheek jabs at small town authority which suit the Warner Brothers executives who green-lit this picture as well. Outrageous ideas in Hollywood and in Prosperity, Arizona may bring in the green, but look at what happened to those of the latter-that's right, they got overrun by giant spiders. Maybe the same fate should be dealt to trash like this.

GRADE: D-

       Film reviewed July 18th, 2002.

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X-RAMR-ID: 32362
X-Language: en
X-RT-ReviewID: 739673
X-RT-TitleID: 1114810
X-RT-AuthorID: 1361
X-RT-RatingText: D-