Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: You can't marry him. You're a Catholic and he's... an asshole, think of the children.
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"We still haven't gotten over being left out of Desert Storm." -- Master Sgt. Ernest G. Bilko (STEVE MARTIN)
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"Oh, goody, I get to play cards!" -- Bilko (STEVE MARTIN), trying to play dumb before a poker game.
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"It's just ... so beautiful!" -- Bilko (STEVE MARTIN), when he sees Las Vegas.
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"Sir, all I ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work." -- Bilko (STEVE MARTIN)
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Major Ebersole: Well, in theory, and I wouldn't bet the farm, the tank is supposed to hover several inches over the pond. Then it's supposed to destroy the target, boom, the shed, kaboom, the ammunition dump, boom. Colonel Hall: Excellent, excellent, one thought though. Maybe it should be boom, boom and *then* kaboom. Sort of a hoo-ah grand finale. [Stunned silence] Major Ebersole: I'll make a note of it sir.
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Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: If they come, deny everything! Just act dumb. Fender, I'm putting you in charge of that.
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Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Let's go campers. It's 10am. Time to start the day.
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Major Thorn: Catching Bilko is hard as nailing Jell-O to the wall.
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Sgt. Henshaw: "Can't" is a four letter word in this platoon.
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Rita Robbins: I have a masters in manipulation from the University of Bilko.
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Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: I like a sporting event in which I know the outcome ahead of time. It's more organized.
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Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: I'm paralyzed from the hair down. Make the bad man stop.
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Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
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Colonel Hall: Wha... what's that? Bilko: Horse shit, sir. Colonel Hall: Well, what's it doing there? Bilko: Keeping the flies off the food, sir.
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Pfc. Wally Holbrook: Permission to speak freely, sir? Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: "Permission"? What are we in Russia? Say anything you want!
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[Bilko is playing golf on the army base] Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Twenty bucks says I can hit the parking lot. Pfc. Wally Holbrook: I don't gamble. Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Well, what is it you *do* do? Pfc. Wally Holbrook: Permission to speak freely, sergeant. Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead! Pfc. Wally Holbrook: I go up every morning and I get dressed to protect the American way of life. Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Will you tell me that later tonight so I won't have to take a sleeping pill?
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[1st Lt Monday can't prove Bilko guilty of any wrongdoing] 1st Lt. Monday: It's like we're watching one hand, and the other keeps pulling rabbits! Major Thorn: Then lets tie his hands!
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Bilko: [sung while jogging with his troops] I can Barely move my legs! / Do me a favor and kill me now! / Something, Something rhymes with "legs"! / My life is over anyhow!
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Assistant Casino Manager: Is there anything else we can do for you sir? Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Yes, go down to your vaults and tell your money to be patient, we'll be together shortly.
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[after Col. Hall accuses Thorn of inexcusable conduct] Major Thorn: [to Tennyson] Sir. He doesn't know what's going on. He *never* knowns what's going on. This Sergeant leads him around by the nose! [Bilko gasps] General Tennyson: MAJOR! You are the most insubordinate officer I have ever met! Major Thorn: I'm telling you [grabs Hall's face] Major Thorn: HE'S A BOOB! HE DOESN'T GET IT! THEY FAKED THE WHOLE THING! General Tennyson: I would like to see just one piece of solid evidence to support these IDIOTIC allegations! Major Thorn: Idiotic, huh? [produces the stolen component] Major Thorn: How's this for evidence? The Fire Control and Super Elevator Board. I took it out last night, SO HOW COULD IT WORK! [Thorn realizes he's been set up and tries to hide the board] Colonel Hall: So you deliberately sabotaged this project, Major. Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: I got it all on tape. [produces dictaphone] Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Lucky.
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Pvt. Dino Paparelli: Bilko's gonna think of something. Remember the time I got that letter from my wife saying that she wanted to break up with me? Huh? Remember what Bilko did? Pfc. Wally Holbrook: He got your wife back? Pvt. Dino Paparelli: No, he got me another wife! A *better* wife!
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