Man: I say name you say Scott Calvin. Name? Scott Calvin: Kris Kringle Man: Name? Scott Calvin: Sinter Klaas Man: NAME? Scott Calvin: Pere Noel, Buono Natale, Pelz Nicole, [imitates Ed Sullivan] Scott Calvin: Topo Gigio Man: OK! Calvin. Maybe a couple of hours in the tank will change your mind.
(50 votes)
2
Charlie: Whoa, Dad! You're flying! Scott Calvin: It's okay, I'm used to it. I lived through the '60s.
(40 votes)
3
Scott Calvin: Charlie, stay away from those things. They're reindeer, you don't know where they've been. They all look like they've got key lime disease.
(33 votes)
4
Dr. Pete Novos: I don't know Scott. You're as healthy as a horse. Scott Calvin: Yeah! Clydesdale! Dr. Pete Novos: So what? You put on a little weight. Scott Calvin: Weight? Does this look like a little weight to you? Dr. Pete Novos: Weight can fluctuate from year to year. Dr. Pete Novos: Fluctuate? You make it sound like I'm retaining water. I've gained 45 pounds in a week. Pete, what's happening to me? Dr. Pete Novos: Well what's your diet like? Scott Calvin: Milk and cookies. Dr. Pete Novos: Really? Scott Calvin: But I don't finish all the milk. Dr. Pete Novos: Well then there is your problem. Just try to cut back on the sweets, Okay?
(32 votes)
5
Scott Calvin: This suit, you never know where it's been. A thousand malls. Well I hope you're happy, Comet. I hope you're happy, but most of all, I hope the guy that lives here IS A TAILOR!
(31 votes)
6
Charlie: Get the bag of toys. Scott Calvin: And do what? Charlie: Go down the chimney. Scott Calvin: Down the chimney? You want me to take the toys down the chimney into a strange house IN MY UNDERWEAR?
(11 votes)
7
Scott Calvin: Well, isn't that a pretty picture, Santa rolling down the block in a PANZER! Well kids, I... I certainly hope you have been good this year, cause it looks like Santa just took out the Pearson home. Incoming!
(8 votes)
8
Bernard: What's all this boo-hooin' going on here? Scott: Nothing, Bernard. I'm just saying good-bye. Bernard: What good-bye? Charlie, you've still got the glass ball I gave you, right? Charlie: Yeah. Bernard: Well, all you've got to do is shake it up whenever you want to see your dad. He can come visit you anytime, day or night. Charlie: Really? Bernard: Hey, have I ever steered you wrong?
(9 votes)
9
Bernard: The Santa Clause. In putting on the suit and entering the sleigh, the wearer waives all previous identities, real or implied, and fully accepts the duties and responsibilities of Santa Claus, in perpituity to which time the wearer becomes unable to do so, by either accident or design. Scott Calvin: What does that mean? Bernard: It means: You put on the suit, you're the big guy
(8 votes)
10
Scott Calvin: Can we take a direct flight back to reality, or do we have to change planes in Denver?
(6 votes)
11
Dr. Neil Miller: Scott, what was the last thing you and Charlie did, before you went to bed Christmas Eve? Scott Calvin: We shared a bowl of sugar, did some shots of brown liqour, played with my shot guns, field-dressed a cat, looked for women. [honestly] Scott Calvin: I read him a book! Dr. Neil Miller: What book? Scott Calvin: Hollywood Wives. [his wife puts her hand into her face, giving off a resentful gesture] Scott Calvin: [honestly] "The Night Before Christmas", folks, come on!
(5 votes)
12
Couch Girl: Santa? Scott Calvin: Scott Calvin. Couch Girl: Howcome your clothes are so baggy? Scott Calvin: Because Santa is... watching his saturated fats. Couch Girl: Howcome you don't have a beard? Scott Calvin: Because I shaved!
(5 votes)
13
Scott Calvin: [after he watches in the mirror as his beard grows back within one second after he shaved it prior to the big custody hearing] I'm in big trouble. Mm-hmm.
(5 votes)
14
E.L.F.S. Leader: We're your worst nightmare. Elves with attitude.
(4 votes)
15
Scott Calvin: Where is he? Laura: Well, he could be jumping on his bed wearing a red hat and galloshes. Scott Calvin: I don't care what Neil is doing. Where is Charlie?
(3 votes)
16
Charlie: These are Santa's reindeer, aren't they? Scott Calvin: I hope not. These are... A gift. Probably from the cable company. We're getting the Disney Channel now. Merry Christmas.
(3 votes)
17
Charlie: You said you believe in Santa Claus, right Dad? Scott Calvin: I did? I do!
(3 votes)
18
Scott Calvin: Johnny, naughty. Gary, nice. [Sees a beautiful woman] Scott Calvin: Veronica, very nice. Veronica: In your dreams, sleigh boy.
(3 votes)
19
Little Elf Judy: Not too hot. Extra chocolate. Shaken, not stirred.
(3 votes)
20
[Charlie states that if Neil is invited in, Scott will say something snotty] Scott Calvin: Not necessarily. It could be rude, sarcastic, whatever it takes!
(2 votes)
21
[flying away in the sleigh] Scott Calvin: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! When I get home, I'm getting a CAT scan!
(2 votes)
22
Scott Calvin: You know, you look pretty good for your age. Little Elf Judy: Thanks, but I'm seeing someone in wrapping.
(2 votes)
23
Little Elf Judy: Seeing isn't believing. Believing is seeing.
(1 vote)
24
Mr. Whittle: You should see a doctor, a shrink, a dietician, anything.
25
Mr. Whittle: I don't know what's happening to you. You're starting to look like the Pillsbury Doughboy.
26
Scott Calvin: Here we are. Denny's. Always open. Charlie: I don't wanna eat here. Scott Calvin: What are you talking about? Everybody likes Denny's, it's an American institution.
27
Charlie: Neil doesn't believe in Santa Scott: Well, Neil's head comes to a point.
28
Laura: All Neil told him was that Santa was more of a feeling. More of a state of mind than an actual person. Scott: Kind of like Neil.
29
Dr. Neil Miller: Charlie, I'm sorry I didn't believe you. Charlie: That's okay, Neil. You were just denying your inner child. Dr. Neil Miller: You're going to make a great psychiatrist someday, kid. Charlie: Nah. I think that I'm going to go into the family business.
30
Charlie: Neal's a really good cook. Scott Calvin: Yeah, and you should see him walk on water. Charlie: You don't like him very much, do you Dad? Scott Calvin: Charlie, I was just kidding around. Of course I like Neal. But there's just something about him that makes me want to - -... Charlie: Lash out irrationally? Scott Calvin: Now, where did you hear that? Charlie: From Neal.
31
Neil: What about Santa's reindeer? Have you even seen a reindeer fly? Charlie: Yes. Neil: Well, I haven't. Charlie: Have you ever seen a million dollars? Neil: No. Charlie: Just because you can't see something, doesn't mean is doesn't exist.
32
Charlie: Dad, can you leave some milk and cookies out just in case? Scott Calvin: Okay, I'll just go pre-heat the oven. Charlie: And don't forget the fire extinguisher! Scott Calvin: Good night, Charlie!
33
Scott Calvin: Who gave you permission to tell Charlie there was no Santa Claus? I think if we're going to destroy our son's delusions, I should be a part of it.
34
Laura: Here's Neil's mother's number. Scott Calvin: 1-800-SPANK-ME? I know that number.
35
Scott Calvin: [on the phone with his ex-wife while driving on an empty road] I ran real late today. You wouldn't BELIEVE the traffic out here. [pretends to yell out to the street] Scott Calvin: Hey, same to you! And that's not very lady like! [back to his wife] Scott Calvin: Oh, there's a problem right there: three car pile-up. I'm really gonna be late.
36
Bernard: I'll ship the list to your house. Scott Calvin: What list? Bernard: You know, the list... He's making a list. Charlie: Checkin' it twice. Elves: 'Gonna find out who's naughty or nice!
37
Scott Calvin: [to fallen Santa Claus] Fella, if you can hear me, I'm just looking for your identification. As soon as I find out who you are, I'll give you a ride back to the mall.
38
Scott Calvin: [yelling out to his ex-wife in her car driving away from his house] It was a dream! Stuff like that doesn't happen! It was a dream! Come on! I don't even wear pajamas! Normally I sleep naked! BUCK naked! Ha! [suddenly embarrassed, to a woman walking down his sidewalk] Scott Calvin: Good morning, Mrs. McCoy, Mary Katherine. Mrs. McCoy: Eyes front, Mary Katherine. Scott Calvin: Sometimes, boxer shorts. You know.
39
Scott: Hey kid, kid... who's in charge here? Larry: You are, and I'm not a kid, I have pointy SHOES that are older than you... I'm an elf.
40
Charlie: [after Santa has fallen off of the roof] Look, Dad, he disappeared. Scott Calvin: [looks around] He's naked somewhere.
41
Mr. Whittle: Good God, your weight! What happened? Scott Calvin: [covering up about his weird sudden weigh-gain] Bee sting. Evidently I'm allergic. It almost killed me. But, the guy at the Emergency Room said that eventually the swelling will go down. I hope.
42
Scott Calvin: Did I miss anything? Business Guy Across from Him: No, we were, uh, just about to order lunch. Scott Calvin: Great! I'm starving. Susan Perry: I'll have a salad and ice tea, and dressing on the side. Mr. Whittle: Ah, past and tomatoes, uh, and very light on the oil. Can you do that? Scott Calvin: And I'll have a Caesar. No dressing. And one of those homemade cookies, the warm chocolate chip. No nuts. And a little slice of cheesecake. Uh, crème brulee, and, um, hot fudge sundae, extra hot fudge. [licks his lips in addiction to tons of sweets, and looks at some people looking weirdly at him] Scott Calvin: On the side. Waiter: Anything to drink? Scott Calvin: [sighs] Ice-cold milk. Susan Perry: [wondering if he was really honest with them about his suddenly big belly] Stung by a bee, Scott? Scott Calvin: [still covering up] A big bee.
43
Bernard: Are you taking a coffee break? Kid Elf: We don't drink coffee. Bernard: Then,I GUEES THE BREAK IS OVER!
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