Annie: What do you know, my children are in need of medical assistance and you can sit here and smuggly lecture me on the importance of tests, tests that exist to pigeon-hole children's potential, a thing that cannot possibly be measured, least of all by anal compulsive huns and my husband may be a large child but that's none of your business and my children may be rotten but they're mine and I think they are bright and sensitive and I do not have any doubts about their intellegence, I do however have serious doubts about yours.
Dean Proffitt: Oh Billy, there is a God and he loves me. Billy Pratt: You're not gonna shave your head, are ya?
Travis Proffitt: It's not us, Dad, it's Roy.
Joey Proffitt: [in Pee-Wee Herman's voice] Hi, Mom. My name's Joe. Annie: A falsetto child? Dean Proffitt: Nah. He thinks he's Pee-Wee Herman. Joey Proffitt: [in Pee-Wee Herman's voice] I love Pee-Wee Herman. [Pee-Wee's trademark laugh]
Edith Mintz: But darling, if you have a baby, you won't be the baby anymore.
Annie: I'm a short, fat slut.
Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: I'm not a bitch. ANDREW. Are you going to bring me my lemon or do I have to squeeze it from my hat?
Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: These gnats keep landing on my wet nail polish. I guess I'm supposed to walk around with their little corpses stuck to my fingers, is that it?... It's easy for you to say. You don't have to sit out here in the brine with your perm frizzing to oblivion. I look like a bushman. Andrew: [who's been painting her toenails] ... I've finished, madam. Would you like me to put your jewelry back on you? Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: No, I'm still tacky.
Dean Proffitt: You know what your problem is?, You are so god damn bored you have to invent things to bitch about. You don't have a single thing to do on this earth except for your hair, the closet was fine, you just needed something to fill up your useless, nail polishing, toe polishing, rich bitch, sun tanning days. (the crew hears, and starts cheering in the engine room)
Doctor at Hospital: Now, Miss X... we have a safer, more comfortable, private room... where you'll be a lot more comfortable, and we'll all be a lot safer. Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: Well, I'm glad you've finally come to your senses. I was prepared to sue you. I don't know who I am, but I'm sure I have a lawyer.
Joanna: What's my name? Dean Proffitt: Mrs. Annie Proffitt Joanna: Well what's my maiden name? Dean Proffitt: Annie Goolaheey Joanna: ANNIE GOOLAHEY... Where in God's name did I grow up, Dogpatch? Dean Proffitt: No, not there honey over in Goober, Idaho but it's a nuclear waste dump
Billy Pratt: Annie, those are my underwear. Annie: Yours? Billy Pratt: I don't mean I wear 'em or anything. They belong to a girlfriend of mine. Annie: But what about Gertie? Billy Pratt: I strayed. See, I got lucky with this phone sex girl one night and my truck doesn't have a backseat so I borrowed yours. Dean soesn't want you to tell Gertie so he's covering for me. See, I didn't get the name Bad Billy Pratt for nothing. [pauses] Billy Pratt: I'm sorry, Annie. I got horny. Do you hate me?
Joanna: [on her yacht; she's about to call for caviar when Andrew brings it in] Well! I *almost* had to wait. [she tastes it and makes a sick face] Joanna: What is this [shouts] Joanna: gelatinous muck? Andrew, when I tell you to pack staples must I specify that you are to pack *good* caviar and not this $1.99 fish bait?
Annie: I don't belong here, I feel it, don't you think I feel it. I can't do any of these vile things and I wouldn't WANT to. Oh, my life is like death. My children are the spawn of hell, and you're the devil. Oh God. Dean Proffitt: But baby, we LIKE you.
Joanna: You know forks were invented so that man could at least make a pretense of separating himself from the apes. Dean Proffitt: So were thumbs. Joanna: What did you say? Dean Proffitt: Nothing. It was... my stomach. Joanna: Well try to control your bodily noises so I can hear myself think.
Travis Proffitt: Are you sure this is gonna work? Charlie: My ideas ALWAYS work. I'm gifted. Travis Proffitt: I loved it when you glued Joey to the toilet seat.
Joanna: Captain Karl? Capt. Karl: Yes madam? Joanna: We've never really had time to talk. Capt. Karl: No, we haven't. Joanna: Well, there's no time now.
Annie: You... and the closet. Dean Proffitt: That's right. This is me and I'm standing in front of the closet. Annie: Something's familiar. Dean Proffitt: Yeah, well... that's 'cause we used to do it in the closet. Annie: Oh stop with the sex stories.
[after Joanna leaves her husband and Dean finds out all the money is hers] Dean Proffitt: What could I possibly give you... ever... that you don't already have? Joanna: A little girl.
Joanna: Well, the entire civilized world knows that ALL closets are made of CEDAR. Dean Proffitt: [in a backwoods accent] Well up here in Elk Snout ma'am see we don't know 'bout them closets, nor bathrooms neither. Shit woman, you're lucky I am house broke.
Grant Stayton: [brandishing a bow and arrow] Halt. You treasonous tramp. Conspiring with the enemy at sea is MUTINY. Andrew: Pull. [kicks Grant overboard] Andrew: [to Grant] I am giving my notice, sir.
Grant Stayton: [to Annie] I suppose we're on our way back to the jungles of Oregon? Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: I want to go back, Grant? Grant Stayton: To him. Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: Yes. I'm sorry. Grant Stayton: You haven't begun to be sorry, you hillbilly harlot?
Adele Burbridge: Is anyone at your home? Charlie Proffitt: Yeah, our mom is. Adele Burbridge: [dumbfounded] You boys have a mother now?, your father re-married? Travis Proffitt: Yeah, we got ourselves a new mom now Adele Burbridge: Well good, then I'm calling BOTH YOUR PARENTS.
Joey Proffitt: [talking in Pee-Wee Herman's voice] I'm itching and i want to go home. Adele Burbridge: You may go stand in the corner until you can talk like a little boy.
Billy Pratt: Back in the day he was known as Mean Dean Proffitt and me I was Bad Billy Pratt
Joanna: I have behaved so badly. You've done so many wonderful things for me and I've never even once said thank you. I'm sorry Andrew: Apology accepted, madam.
Joey Proffitt: [watching Joanna ride away] YOU SAID MOMS DON'T LEAVE.
Dean Proffitt: [singing] Zippedy Doo-Dah. Zippedy Yay. My, oh my, I got a wonderful slave.
[Joanna is about to jump off the yacht and swim to Dean] Andrew: [grabs her hand] Oh no Madam. I cannot let you do this. Annie: What? Andrew: Not without a life jacket.
Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: [aboard her yacht, Joanna is on the phone] ... I KNOW it will cost me, but it's the CUTEST little painting. I simply MUST have it. You'll do the bidding for me at the auction? $1,700,000. [gunshots] Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: Grant, I'm on the phone! Grant Stayton: I can't hear you, Tea Rose! I'm shooting skeet! [goes back to firing]
Edith Mintz: [from her NYC penthouse] ... Joanna, why do you care what some carpenter from Elk Snout thinks of you? Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: I'm surely just premenstrual. Edith Mintz: Then you must go right back to bed for at least two days... [to her maid, who's been feeding Edith's small dog] Edith Mintz: ... Inga! You don't shove the food down Shitake's throat. You place it on her tongue. Don't they have dogs in Sweden?
Dean Proffitt: [Arriving home from his disastrous experience working for the Slaytons, he finds Burbridge running out of his house. She is covered with toilet paper and being chased by his dogs] ... You look the morning after Halloween. Probably had a day like I did. Adele Burbridge: I came here to WELCOME your family! And WHAT do I get in return? I get TOILET-PAPERED by your children! They were about to douse the toilet paper in GASOLINE and strike - ! Dean Proffitt: Wait. Stop. Greg and Charlie, twins, right? They're goin' through this arson period. They don't know this, but I'm way ahead of them. I got two fire extinguishers ready to go. Adele Burbridge: Where is Mrs. Proffitt while all of this is going on? Dean Proffitt: Annie passed away three years ago. Adele Burbridge: Mr. Proffitt, your children are totally lacking in parental supervision! Dean Proffitt: You don't have to tell me these kids are lucky.
Grant Stayton: [on Joanna's yacht, the "Immaculata"] ... Joanna, I want you tonight - How can you have your period EVERY WEEK? Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: [they're shown in bed together; Grant is glued to "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous"] ... Must you watch that THING incessantly? Grant Stayton: Yes, I must. It has a tawdry, escapist quality that sooths my nerves. Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: What YOU have to escape from, I can't possibly imagine... Grant, I left my wedding ring on the deck. Grant Stayton: Well, what can I do? Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: Go and get it. Grant Stayton: It's after midnight. Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: I don't care. I want it now. Grant Stayton: Let me just see who's in the Top Ten Luxury Yachts. This is the Big League of the Seven Seas, the one purchase that separates mere millionaires from MULTI-millionaires. [Disgusted, Joanna goes to get it herself]
Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: [Grant has just arrived at the hospital; she doesn't know he's right outside, behind a one-way mirror] ... You mean to tell me that I have no medical recourse...? Grant Stayton: Can she see us? Cop at Hospital: Not unless she's got x-ray vision or something. Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: ...Well, what DO you know? Extend your brain a teensy little bit, if possible. Doctor at Hospital: You seem to be suffering from a temporary amnesia... Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: How TEMPORARY is it? Doctor at Hospital: We don't know. Other than that, you seem to be in excellent physical shape. Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: Listen to me, medical people. As of now, I have a life history of a DIRTY garbage scow and a breakfast of EXTREMELY RUNNY eggs-over-easy. Now I REFUSE to be INCARCERATED in this semiprivate room - [turns to the only other patient in the room] Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: You SNORE! - while there are no efforts being made by anyone to try and locate...! Cop at Hospital: [to Grant, still outside Joanna's room] ... Is that your wife, sir? Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: ...I DEMAND you do something! Do you hear me...? Grant Stayton: [to the Cop] ... No, I never saw her before in my life. [He leaves; later, back on Joanna's yacht "Immaculata"] Grant Stayton: ... Mrs. Stayton has decided to leave me. Let's celebrate!
Doctor at Hospital: [on TV] ... If any of you know the identity of this woman [the amnesiac Joanna] Doctor at Hospital: , please contact the hospital. I'll put up the reward myself... She's drivin' us crazy.
Joanna: Thank you Dean! Thank you for bringing me here and making a wife, and a mother and WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
Dr. Norman Korman: Joanna, what motivated you to rise and get the serving tray? Annie: I thought you might be hungry. Dr. Norman Korman: That's excellent, excellent! Andrew: What's excellent about it? Dr. Norman Korman: I was hungry.
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