[Dave recounts a painful memory of why he quit Hamster Style kung fu] Young Ben: Dad? Ben's Father: Hmm? Young Ben: I don't think I'm gonna do Hamster Style anymore. Ben' Father: That's nice. [Flashback pans back to the present] Ben Chapelski: [tearfully] And that's how it went down, man!
(20 votes)
3
Mariachi Band: Mi Verga es chiquita y muy fea... y todo el mundo lo sabe...
(19 votes)
4
Young Ben: Dad, I don't think I'm gonna do it Hamster Style anymore.
(19 votes)
5
Joe Young: They want me to do a sequel. Lisa: A sequel, to "Death of a Salesman"? Doesn't he die at the end of the first? Joe Young: Yes, but he has a twin brother, and he wants revenge. Lisa: Revenge? But, doesn't he kill himself? Joe Young: No, no, that's what you were led to believe. He was killed by the C.I.A for selling smack... to Nazis... Lisa: Wow!
(17 votes)
6
Ben Chapelski: Let's see how you like my... COCK ROCKET!
7
Ben Chapelski: Jesus! Joe Young: Where?
8
Lisa: I hope you're happy in the life you've chosen. Joe Young: Don't quote Dickens in my apartment!
9
Maxxx Orbison: Put your tongue in her mouth, for Christ's sake! Joe Young: How would Christ benefit from me putting my tongue in someone's mouth?
10
Joe Young: How would Christ benefit from me putting my tongue in someone's mouth?
11
Dave the Lighting Guy: Everybody say, "Geddy Lee!" Joe Young: Who's Geddy Lee? Dave the Lighting Guy: Geddy Lee, best bass player EVER, come on! Everybody: Geddy Lee! [Dave snaps photo]
12
Dave the Lighting Guy: I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think Depeche Mode is a sweet band!
13
Dave the Lighting Guy: Say, have you seen that movie Clash of the Titans? Joe Young: Oh yeah, the greek mythology. Dave the Lighting Guy: Hey, I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think unicorns are kick ass!
14
Joe Young: I'm not a superhero! I'm a Latter-Day Saint.
15
Joe Young: I am a bad, bad Mormon!
16
Ben Chapelski: To the Orgazmobile! Joe Young: What? Ben Chapelski: My Buick Century!
17
Maxxx Orbison: Bring me my stunt cock.
18
[Joe is introduced to the young actresses he'll be co-starring with] Joe Young: Oh... I, I can't say that. Maxxx Orbison: Say what? Joe Young: What are they called? Maxxx Orbison: The Assfuck Twins. Joe Young: I can't say that. Can we call them something else? Maxxx Orbison: But they're the Assfuck Twins. Joe Young: Well I know, but um, couldn't I call them the Naughty Twins or something? Maxxx Orbison: No, you *couldn't* just call them the Naughty Twins. They're the Assfuck Twins. Why would you call them The Naughty Twins when they get fucked in the ass all the time? Joe Young: Well, that's pretty naughty.
19
Maxxx Orbison: What's your name, again? Sancho: I am Sancho. Maxxx Orbison: Look, I get a lot of people auditioning all the time. What makes you think that you'd be good enough for porno? Sancho: I am Sancho. Maxxx Orbison: Great... but what do you do? Sancho: What do I do? I am Sancho. Maxxx Orbison: And...? Sancho: And there are many Jeffs in the world, and many Toms as well. But I... am Sancho. Maxxx Orbison: And...? Sancho: Are you Sancho? No you are not. Neither is Scott Baio Sancho. Frank Gifford is not Sancho. But I... Maxxx Orbison: You... are Sancho! Sancho: That's right. Maxxx Orbison: Okay, you're hired.
20
Joe Young: Ben, use your hamster style!
21
Maxxx Orbison: I do what I do, and I make a lot of money. And I don't give a shit what I do to people, because they are all idiots! Clark: Yeah! Maxxx Orbison: Especially you, Clark, you pig-fucking hunk of shit! Clark: Yeah!
22
Georgi: My doctor says now I have enough silicone in my body to kill a small elephant! Isn't that cool?
23
Saffi: Oh, give it to me, you big stud! Rodgers: I'm not a stud! Saffi: Huh? Rodgers: I am not a stud! I'm... [takes off his mask to reveal Clark] Clark: ...JIZZ MASTER ZERO!
24
Interviewer: What's the difference between Orgazmo and your previous porn titles, like Schindler's Fist? Maxxx Orbison: I really think history will describe Orgazmo better than I possibly could.
25
Dave the Lighting Guy: That's some hot shit right there!
26
Joe Young: We're from The Church of Jesus Christ. Old Lady: Oh, the Mormons? Joe Young: That's right. I'm elder Young and this is elder White. Old Lady: Well, you two boys can just fuck right off. Joe Young: Ma'am? Old Lady: You heard me. Take that book of Mormons and shove it so far up your righteous asses that you choke, you soul soliciting pigfuckers.
27
Joe Young: Ben, superheroes that pray together stay together. Ben Chapelski: Aw, what the fuck!
28
Doctor: Your balls have grown to the size of oranges and your cock has shrunk. Maxxx Orbison: Tell me something I don't know doc. Doctor: I am going to have to cut off your cock. Maxxx Orbison: Ha ha ha! When I get out of here. Orgazmo you'll be facing Nuddered Man. Ha ha ha!
29
G-Fresh: Those punks from across the street came in the other day and just whupped my sorry black ass!
30
T-Rex: You're gonna make me cum, or I'm gonna kick your ass!
31
T-Rex: Hi fellas, I'm ready to fuck. Orgazmo: Huh? T-Rex: You want me on top? Orgazmo: Uh... NO! I'll be on top! T-Rex: You're gonna make me cum, or I'm gonna kick your butt! Maxxx Orbison: Aaaand... action! [T-Rex throws Orgazmo down and starts dry humping him] T-Rex: Oh! Come on nah! Come on nah! You make me so hot nah! You make me so hot!
32
Dave the Lightning Guy: [to Joe] I don't want to sound like a queer or nothin', but I'd kinda like to make love to you tonight.
33
Ben Chapelski: I tell ya, Joe, there's nothing sadder than a sad Japanese man.
34
G-Fresh: You gonna get popped! if you keep ridin' me...
35
Sancho: Hey, it's Orgazmo! Joe Young: I'm not Orgazmo. Sancho: I am Sancho.
36
[G-Fresh gets hit in the head with a bat several times offscreen. When it shows him again, he only has a bloody lip] G-Fresh: Aw, dat hurt so much!
37
Maxxx Orbison: Okay, we're sucking, we're sucking... Dave the Lighting Guy: Yeah! SUCK THAT COCK!
38
Saffi: Who will I be fucking in this scene? Maxxx Orbison: Um, you'll be fucking Ben and Rodgers. By the way, this is our new Orgazmo. Saffi: Hi. Are we fucking? Maxxx Orbison: No, we'll be bringing in a stunt cock. Saffi: And I'm NOT doing any ass-licking in this scene! Maxxx Orbison: Yes, yes, no ass-licking! Saffi: I'm not an ass-licker! [Walks away] Maxxx Orbison: [shaking his head] Give 'em an inch!
39
White Stunt Cock: [to the filmmakers] Hey, how ya doin'? White Stunt Cock: [to Joe Young] Hey, how ya doin'? White Stunt Cock: [to Candi, Saffi, and Ben] Hey, how ya doin'? [Graphic sex begins offscreen]
40
[Joe Young has just zapped Maxxx Orbison several times with the Orgazmorator] Ben Chapelski: Dude! He's never gonna wanna have another orgasm again! Joe Young: One more time for Jesus.
41
Ben Chapelski: Whoa! DVDA shot! So, you up for some sushi?
42
Joe Young: [praying] If You don't want me to do this, just give me a sign. [an earthquake tears through Hollywood] Joe Young: Any sign at all.
43
Joe Young: You see, when the Mormons first arrived, they didn't have any money... Older Porn Star: They should've done DVDA. Joe Young: DVDA? Older Porn Star: Yeah, double-vaginal double-anal. It's the only way a woman of my age will get work in this industry. If you don't think that splits me open like a turkey on Thanksgiving, heh... Stagehand: We're ready for the DVDA shot! Older Porn Star: [smiles] Nice talkin' with ya, kid.
44
Lisa: Excuse me, could you tell me what movie this is? Video Store Clerk: [laughs] What movie this is? Where have you been, under a rock? Lisa: No, I'm from Utah. Video Store Clerk: Oh. Sorry.
45
[G-Fresh's sushi bar has just been wrecked by thugs] Joe Young: We should call the police! Girl at Sushi Bar: The police? Where are you from, Arizona? Joe Young: No, Utah. Girl at Sushi Bar: Oh. Sorry.
46
Dave the Lighting Guy: My name's Dave. Sancho: I am Sancho. Don't mean to sound like queer, but I find fire very romantic.
47
[a nude mariachi band is playing at Maxxx Orbison's party] Dave the Lighting Guy: These guys kind of sound like Depeche Mode!
48
Rodgers: I bet you want it, baby! Saffi: Oh, yeah, I want it, baby! I am so badly wanting IT!
49
[DVDA singing "Now You're a Man, Man"] DVDA: What makes a man, is it the woman in his hands / Just 'cause she's got big titties / Is it the way he fights every day / Naw, it's probably the titties / Now you're a man, (hey) a man, a man, a man / Now you're a man, man, (hey) a man, a man, a man, /Now you're a man, man, (hey) an M-A-N man, man, man, man / Now you're a man
50
Lisa: How could you have sex with all of those women? Joe Young: I didn't it was a stunt cock Lisa: A stunt cock? So you aren't touching all of those women's breasts? Joe Young: Oh no they're all just special effects Lisa: really? Joe Young: ...no
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