Other Titles • The Man with Two Brains • Der Mann mit den zwei Gehirnen (1985)
Quotes from The Man with Two Brains (1983)
1
Girl: Sounds like a subdural hematoma to me. Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Oh, it does, does it? Well, it's not your job to diagnose. Girl: But I thought... Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: You thought, you thought. Just go. Three years of nursery school and you think you know it all. Well, you're still wet behind the ears. It's not a subdural hematoma. It's *epidural*. Ha.
(20 votes)
2
Dolores: The Complete Poems of John Lillison, England's greatest one-armed poet. Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: He wrote 'In Dillan's Grove' and 'Pointy Birds.' O pointy birds, o pointy pointy, anoint my head, anointy-nointy.
(20 votes)
3
Dolores: What are those assholes doing on the porch? Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Those aren't assholes. It's pronounced *azaleas*.
(20 votes)
4
[During surgery] Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Get that cat outta here.
(20 votes)
5
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Ladies and gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people.
(20 votes)
6
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: What are they saying? Dr. Conrad: They are just saying 'murmur, murmur, murmur.' Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: You mean it's just sort of a general murmur? Dr. Conrad: Yeah. Murmur. Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Oh. [To the crowd] Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: You may *murmur* all you like. Crowd: [distinctly] Murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur.
7
Gladstone: I wanted to inform the Doctor of her passing. Dolores Benedict: Passing what?
8
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I'm making a citizen's annulment. Ipso facto coitus interruptus.
9
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: You. You're the elevator killer. Merv Griffin. Merv Griffin: Yeah. Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Why? Merv Griffin: I don't know. I've always just loved to kill. I really enjoyed it. But then I got famous, and - it's just too hard for me. And so many witnesses. I mean, *everybody* recognized me. I couldn't even work anymore. I'd hear, "Who's that lurking over there? Isn't that Merv Griffin?" So I came to Europe to kill. And it's really worked out very well for me.
10
Inspector: You are playing God. Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: *Somebody* has to.
11
Dolores Benedict: I get so excited when you get angry. It makes me feel so much closer to the reading of the will.
12
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: The only time we doctors should accept death is when it's caused by our own incompetence. Dr. Necessiter: Nonsense. If the murder of twelve innocent people can help save one human life, it will have been worth it.
13
Dr. Brandon: Well, Dr. Beckerman was murdered in Europe - you know that. Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Exactly. Not only is he dead, he's six thousand miles away.
14
Dolores Benedict: If you lay one finger on me, I'll kill you. Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again. Dolores Benedict: Nobody's going to keep me from working in this town.
15
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I can't. Fran: Can't what? Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I can't inject you with window cleaner. Fran: I don't mind. Hey, what does it do anyway? Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: It causes your brain to die last. Fran: I don't mind.
16
Dolores Benedict: I'll get you for this, you nigger kike wop.
17
Journalist: Were you interested in science as a child? Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I don't know if I was interested so much in the science as I was in the slime that goes along with it. Snakes and frogs. When I saw how slimy the human brain was, I knew that's what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.
18
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Into the mud, scum queen.
19
Dr. Necessiter's butler: Can I get you anything more, doctor? I'm about to retire. Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Really? You seem so young.
20
Butler: You and your wife are expected for dinner. Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: My wife won't be coming. Butler: Oh, I trust she is not ill? Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: She's not ill, she's a cheap, vulgar slut. Butler: Ja, I have heard this.
21
Dr. Necessiter: As you know, my research has advanced to a point where I can put her mind into the body of a gorilla. Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I couldn't fuck a gorilla.
22
Anne Uumellmahaye: I don't think there's a girl floating in a jar anywhere who's as happy as I am.
23
Realtor: Is that her? Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: No, its just a statue of her.
24
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Would you read that last bit back to me? I'm afraid it might make me sound pompous to your readers. Journalist: 'My brilliant research in brain transplantation is unsurpassed, and will probably make my name live beyond eternity'.
25
[Sees all the brains in Dr Necessiter's lab] Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: So many brains. I feel like a kid in a candy store.
26
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I could never fuck a Gorilla.
27
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Damn your drunk tests are hard.
28
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: That was the best sexual experience I have ever had - without actually having sex.
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