Other Titles • Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery • Austin Powers (1997)
Quotes from Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)
1
[returning Austin's personal property after reanimating him] Quartermaster Clerk: One Swedish-made penis enlarger. Austin Powers: [to Vanessa] That's not mine. Quartermaster Clerk: One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger signed by Austin Powers. Austin Powers: I'm telling ya baby, that's not mine. Quartermaster Clerk: One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers. Austin Powers: I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby. Quartermaster Clerk: One book, "Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby", by Austin Powers.
(48 votes)
2
"It's Doctor Evil actually. I didn't spend four years at Evil Medical School to be called Mister Evil thank you very much."
(47 votes)
3
Dr. Evil: The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.
(41 votes)
4
"Austin Powers, Danger is my middle name."
(43 votes)
5
"It's not my bag baby!"
(37 votes)
6
[first lines] Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins.
7
Austin Powers: Jimi Hendrix deceased, drugs. Janis Joplin deceased, alcohol. Mama Cass deceased, ham sandwich.
8
Dr. Evil: Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes Mr. Powers? I designed them myself.
9
Dr. Evil: Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots?
10
Austin Powers: Shall we shag now, or shall we shag later? How do you like to do it? Do you like to wash up first? You know, top and tails... whores bath? Personally before I'm on the job, I like to give my undercarriage a bit of a how's your father!
11
Alotta Fagina: Some sake, Mr. Cunningham? Austin Powers: Sake it to me baby!
12
Scott Evil: Well my friend Sweet Jay took me to that video arcade in town, right, and they don't speak English there, so Jay got into a fight and he's all, "Hey quit hasslin' me cuz' I don't speak French" or whatever! And then the guy said something in Paris talk, and I'm like, "Just back off!" And they're all, "Get out!" And we're like, "Make me!" It was cool.
13
Scott Evil: It's no hassle... Dr. Evil: Sh! Scott Evil: But... Dr. Evil: Sh! Scott Evil: I'm... Dr. Evil: Sh! Scott Evil: All I'm say... Dr. Evil: Sh! Scott Evil: There gonna get a... Dr. Evil: Sh! Scott Evil: I'm... Dr. Evil: Sh! Scott Evil: I'm just... Dr. Evil: Sh! Scott Evil: Would... Dr. Evil: Sh!... Knock-knock. Scott Evil: Who's there? Dr. Evil: Sh! Scott Evil: But... Dr. Evil: Let me tell you a little story about a man named Sh! Sh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive "sh!" Now, I have a whole bag of "sh!" with your name on it.
14
Austin Powers: I've been frozen for 30 years. I've got to see if my bits and pieces are still working.
15
Austin Powers: That ain't no woman! It's a man, man!
16
Vanessa Kensington: Mr. Powers, I would never have sex with you, ever! If you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman on earth, and the future of the human race depended on our having sex, simply for procreation, I still would not have sex with you. Austin Powers: What's your point, Vanessa?
17
[last lines] Austin Powers: what say, you, we go out on the down and swing, baby? Yea
18
Dr. Evil: Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to my underground Lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins, and yet, each of you has failed to kill Austin Powers. That makes me angry, and when Dr. Evil get angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, and when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset people DIE!
19
Dr. Evil: I'm gonna get you Austin Powers! It's fricken freezing in here Mr. Bigglesworth.
20
Austin Powers: She's the village bicycle! Everybody's had a ride.
21
Austin Powers: That's Dr. Evil's cat! Vanessa Kensington: How can you tell? Austin Powers: I never forget a pussy... cat.
22
Vanessa Kensington: Look, I know I'm being neurotic, but I can't shake off this suspicious feeling about Miss Fagina. I don't want to sound paranoid, but I've had some bad relationships in the past, and I have been known to be jealous. I'm sorry. Austin Powers: No, don't be sorry, baby. You're right to be suspicious. I shagged her. Vanessa Kensington: Did you used protection ? Austin Powers: Of course. I had my 9mm automatic. Vanessa Kensington: You know I meant, did you use a condom? Austin Powers: No, only sailors wear condoms baby. Vanessa Kensington: Not in the '90s Austin. Austin Powers: Well they should, those filthy beggars. They go from port to port.
23
Austin Powers: Yeah, baby, yeah
24
Dr. Evil: Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers Scott Evil: What? Are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him? Dr. Evil: I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.
25
Dr. Evil: All right guard, begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism. [guard starts dipping mechanism] Dr. Evil: Close the tank! Scott Evil: Wait, aren't you even going to watch them? They could get away! Dr. Evil: No no no, I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What? Scott Evil: I have a gun, in my room, you give me five seconds, I'll get it, I'll come back down here, BOOM, I'll blow their brains out! Dr. Evil: Scott, you just don't get it, do ya? You don't.
26
Scott Evil: I was thinking I like animals. Maybe I'd be a vet. Dr. Evil: An evil vet? Scott Evil: No! Maybe like work in a petting zoo. Dr. Evil: An evil petting zoo? Scott Evil: You always do that!
27
Scott Evil: I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me. Therapist: He doesn't really want to kill you. Sometimes we just say that. Dr. Evil: No actually the boy is quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully. He's quite wily, like his old man.
28
Paddy O'Brien: They're always after me lucky charms. [Dr. Evil and Frau Farbissina laugh] Paddy O'Brien: What? Why does everyone always laugh when I say that? They *are* after me lucky charms! What! Frau Farbissina: It's a television commercial. With this cartoon leprechaun, and all of these children are trying to chase him, "Hey, leprechaun, leprechaun man, we want to get your lucky charms." Oh! And there are these little tiny pieces of mashmallow just stuck right in the cereal. So when the kids eat them they think, "Oooh this is candy, I'm having fun!"
29
[filling out a form] Austin Powers: Name? Austin Danger Powers. Sex? Yes please!
30
Austin Powers: Allow myself to introduce... myself.
31
[entering the Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swingers' Club] Austin Powers: This is my happening and it freaks me out! [c.f. Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970)]
32
Austin Powers: Judo chop!
33
[Austin and Vanessa see a man decapitated] Austin Powers: Not the time to lose one's head. Vanessa Kensington: No. Austin Powers: That's not the way to get ahead in life. Vanessa Kensington: No. Austin Powers: It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong. Vanessa Kensington: Hmm. Austin Powers: He'll never be the head of a major corporation. Vanessa Kensington: Okay, that'll do. Austin Powers: Okay.
34
Vanessa Kensington: That's you in a nutshell. Austin Powers: No, this is me in a nutshell: "Help! I'm in a nutshell! How did I get into this bloody great big nutshell? What kind of shell has a nut like this?"
35
U.N. Representative: So, Mr. Evil... Dr. Evil: It's Dr. Evil, I didn't spend six years in Evil Medical School to be called "mister," thank you very much.
36
Dr. Evil: You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that cannot be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for, honestly? Throw me a bone here! What do we have? Number Two: Sea Bass. Dr. Evil: [pause] Right. Number Two: They're mutated sea bass. Dr. Evil: Are they ill tempered? Number Two: Absolutely. Dr. Evil: Oh well, that's a start.
37
Austin Powers: Au contraire baby, you can't resist me.
38
Austin Powers: That really hurt! I'm gonna have a lump there, you idiot! Who throws a shoe? Honestly! You fight like a woman!
39
Austin Powers: Actually, my name is Austin Powers. Danger is my middle name.
40
Austin Powers: Does that make you HORNY?
41
Austin Powers: Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny, baby, yeah, do I?
42
Scott Evil: I hate you! I hate you! I wish I was never artificially created in a lab! Dr. Evil: Scott, that hurts daddy when you say that. Honestly.
43
Alotta Fagina: In Japan, men come first and women come second. Austin Powers: Or sometimes not at all.
44
Dr. Evil: Begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism!
45
Basil Exposition: Austin, the Cold War is over! Austin Powers: Finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh? Eh comrades? Eh? Basil Exposition: Austin... we won. Austin Powers: Oh, smashing, groovy, yay capitalism!
46
Dr. Evil: I like to see girls of that... caliber. [pause] Dr. Evil: By "caliber," of course, I refer to both the size of their gun barrels and the high quality of their characters... Two meanings... caliber... it's a homonym... Forget it.
47
Austin Powers: I won't bite... hard.
48
Austin Powers: Hey! There you are! Tourist: Hi... do I know you? Austin Powers: No, but that's where you are! You're there!
49
[Not meaning to speak this thought out loud:] Austin Powers: My god, Vanessa's got a fabulous body... I bet she shags like a minx.
50
Vanessa Kensington: Mr. Powers, my job is to acclimatize you to the nineties. You know, a lot's changed since 1967. Austin Powers: No doubt, love, but as long as people are still having promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners without protection while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound!
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