Other Titles • Jingle All the Way • Versprochen ist versprochen (1996)
Quotes from Jingle All the Way (1996)
1
Myron Larabee: They sit there and use subliminal messages to suck your children's' minds out! And I know what I'm talking about because I went to junior college for a semester and I studied psychology so I'm right in there, I know what's going on. They make the kids feel like garbage and you, the father, who's working 24/7 delivering mail so you can make an alimony payment to a woman that slept with everybody at the post office, but me! And then when you get the toy, it breaks and you can't fix it because it's little cheap plastic!
2
Ted Maltin: Howard, I'm of the mind set you can never do too much to make a child's Christmas magical.
3
Tony the Elf: It's the Grinch! Scatter!
4
Myron Larabee: We get one day a year to prove we're not screw-ups and what do we do? We screw it up.
5
Santa at Door: Password. Mall Santa: Jingle Bells, Batman smells.
6
Howard Langston: I'm not a pervert! I was just looking for a Turbo Man doll!
7
Ted: Howard. They say it might get icy later. You might wanna wrap some chains around those tires. Howard Langston: Maybe I should wrap some chains around you. Ted: What?
8
Myron Larabee: I work for the post office so you know I'm not stable! Tell 'em! Howard Langston: This man is totally insane. Myron Larabee: Thank you!
9
Mall Santa: Hey, Pal, you want a Turbo Man for Christmas? Howard Langston: Forget it, I'm not gonna sit on your lap. Mall Santa: Hey, Chief, that's not my bag... Get it?
10
Howard Langston: Ted what the hell are you doing on my roof?
11
[Howard is trying to reach his wife on the phone, but Ted is over and answers] Howard Langston: Can I talk to my wife? Ted: I think she is in the shower Howard, do you want me to check? Howard Langston: NO!
12
Howard Langston: You guys are nothing but a bunch of sleazy conmen in red suits. Mall Santa: What did you call us? Howard Langston: You heard me right. Conmen. Thieves. Degenerates. Low-lifes. Thugs. Criminals! Mall Santa: At the North Pole them are fighting words, Partner.
13
Myron Larabee: I'll know if you move 'cause I have the ears of a snake!
14
Myron Larabee: Ta-ta, Turtleman!
15
Howard Langston: Jamie, let me talk to your mother. Jamie Langston: She's next door pettin' Ted.
16
Myron Larabee: How about these stupid letters from kids to Santa at the North Pole: "Dear Santa, Can you send me a bike and a slinky?" No! Your father's been laid off!
17
Myron Larabee: As if I didn't have enough trouble, my son sends me out for some goofy-butt toy. Some fruity robot named Turtle-Man. Howard Langston: It's Turbo Man. My son wants one too.
18
Myron Larabee: [Myron is tackled] That's my ball! Rodney King! Rodney King!
19
Turbo Man: It's Turbo time!
20
Jamie: I want the Turbo Man action figure with the arms and legs that move and the boomerang shooter and his rock'n roller jet pack and the realistic voice activator that says 5 different phrases including, "It's Turbo time!" Accessories sold separately. Batteries not included.
21
Turbo Man: You can always count on me.
22
Howard: This can't happen. It's just a doll. It's just a stupid little plastic doll. Myron: Ah ah, that's "action figure".
23
Caller: [The objective is to correctly name all 8 of Santa's reindeer] Um Randy, Germaine, Tito... DJ: Nope, not even close. Sorry. Perhaps this song will put us all in the mood to get this thing right.
24
Officer: Maybe you shouldn't mess with that. Officer Hummel: Relax, Sparky, I was with the bomb squad for 10 years. [does various things to find out if it's really a bomb while Howard and Myron run out of the studio] Officer Hummel: Gentlemen, we've been duped. This is nothing but a harmless Christmas package. Myron Larabee: [The bomb goes off, Howard hesitates with a look of shock] That really was a bomb? This is a sick world we live in! Sick people! Officer: How many years on the bomb squad? [Officer Hummel collapses on the floor, charred]
25
Officer Hummel: Turbo Man, we could use a man like you on the force. Howard Langston: [In Turbo Man outfit] Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. Oh, I'm sorry about the bike, and the coffee, and the bus, and... the bomb.
26
Howard Langston: I gotta tell you, Santa, there's something about this place that doesn't seem quite... Kosher. Mall Santa: Kosher? This coming from a guy who assaulted a toddler for a super ball?
27
Liz: Everything you went through today for Jamie really shows how much you love him. And if it means going through all that just for a present, well that makes me wonder. Howard: What? Liz: What did you get me? [Howard makes a terrified face, camera quickly zooms in on it, fade out]
28
Myron Larabee: You know what I'd like to do? I'd like to walk into the office, grab one of those guys [grabs an old lady] Myron Larabee: And choke him and choke him until an eye pops out! Er... You shouldn't wear fur.
29
Mall Santa: We're not just doing this for us. We're doing it for the kids. For every kid who ever sat on Santa's lap. For every little girl who left cookies and milk for Santa on Christmas night. For every little boy who opens a package Christmas morning and finds clothes instead of toys. It breaks my heart.
30
Howard Langston: Cookies? [shouting] Howard Langston: Who told you you could eat my cookies?
31
Howard: Put that cookie down. NOW!
32
Ted Maltin: [to Liz in the car] Here, have some non-alcoholic eggnog.
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