Other Titles • It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World (1963) • It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World • Das Ding - eine total, total verrückte Welt (1963) • Total, total verrückte Welt, Eine (1963)
Quotes from It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World (1963)
1
Sylvester Marcus: Mama, who's with you? Where are you talking to me... Where are you? Mrs. Marcus: I'm with this truck driver in Peterson's garage in a place called Plaster City. And will you just shut up a minute so I can tell you what happened? Sylvester Marcus: Now listen to me, Mommy, listen to me close. You stay right there, because I'm coming, Mom. I'm coming to get you. Mrs. Marcus: Will you SHUT UP AND LISTEN? Sylvester Marcus: Mama, it's alright. Everything's gonna be alright. Your baby's coming to get ya. I'm coming to get you, Mom. Just sit there. Sit there, relax, take it easy. I'm coming to get you, Mama. Everything is gonna be alright. [Hangs up] Mrs. Marcus: So he's coming here. And I'm not to worry about a thing, because everything is going to be alright. [to Emmeline] Mrs. Marcus: Exactly like your father: a big, stupid, muscle-headed moron!
(15 votes)
2
Lennie Pike: Even businessmen, who rob and cheat and steal from people everyday, even they have to pay taxes.
(15 votes)
3
Benjy Benjamin: Now look! We've figured it seventeen different ways, and each time we figured it, it was no good, because no matter how we figured it, somebody don't like the way we figured it! So now, there's only one way to figure it. And that is, every man, including the old bag, for himself! Ding Bell: So good luck and may the best man win! Benjy Benjamin: Except you lady, may you just drop dead! Lennie Pike: All right, we all agree on that. Now look, let's be sensible about this. There's money in this for all of us. Right? There's enough for you, and there's enough for you, and for you, and there's enough for... [They all race to their cars]
(15 votes)
4
Emmeline Finch: Oh Russell, I feel sick. J. Russell Finch: Now take it easy honey, these things happen ya know. Mrs. Marcus: Now what kind of an attitude is that, these things happen? They only happen because this whole country is just full of people, who when these things happen, they just say these things happen, and that's why they happen! We gotta have control of what happens to us.
(15 votes)
5
Third Cab Driver: Can't you see I'm talking on the phone? Huh? Give me two minutes! Now listen to me, Sir, I... [Looks back at Melville] Melville Crump: Will you take us to Santa Rosita state park? Third Cab Driver: What's the matter, what happened to you? What was ya, in some kind of initiation? Melville Crump: We had an accident. We fell into yellow, alright? Hurry up!
(15 votes)
6
J. Russell Finch: Here, [pulls a blue bicycle from the mess of furniture that fell out of Pike's van] J. Russell Finch: take this and go hire us the best car you can find. Lennie Pike: But... this is a little girl's bike. This is for a little girl. Oh listen, I got to get this stuff back in so I can lock up the van. J. Russell Finch: We'll put everything away. Will you get going please, will you hurry? Lennie Pike: Oh okay... I gotta admit. I feel kinda silly. You know what I mean? [Pedals away on the bicycle]
7
Sylvester Marcus: I'm coming. That's what I'm here for. That's why you had me, Mama, to save you.
8
J. Algernon Hawthorne: I must say that if I had the grievous misfortune to be a citizen of this benighted country, I should be the most hesitant of offering any criticism whatever of any other. J. Russell Finch: Wait a minute, are you knocking this country? Are you saying something against America? J. Algernon Hawthorne: Against it? I should be positively astounded to hear anything that could be said FOR it. Why the whole bloody place is the most unspeakable matriarchy in the whole history of civilization! Look at yourself! The way your wife and her strumpet of a mother push you through the hoop! As far as I can see, American men have been totally emasculated- they're like slaves! They die like flies from coronary thrombosis while their women sit under hairdryers eating chocolates & arranging for every 2nd Tuesday to be some sort of Mother's Day! And this infantile preoccupation with bosoms. In all time in this Godforsaken country, the one thing that has appalled me most of all this this prepostrous preoccupation with bosoms. Don't you realize they have become the dominant theme in American culture: in literature, advertising and all fields of entertainment and everything. I'll wager you anything you like that if American women stopped wearing brassieres, your whole national economy would collapse overnight.
9
Otto Meyer: [Honking car as it pulls into the Ray & Irwin Garage] Fellas. I'm glad you're here. Look, I need your help. Here's what happened. I had this blowout. I think there's a spare in the back. It may be a little flat. Take a look at it will you kid? Is there an airport anyplace around here? Look, if the spare is flat don't bother fixing it. Gimme a new tire, alright? You ain't got a new tire? Then you'll have to fix the spare. But don't look at me. Move it, will you kid? You, you could be gassing up while he's working. What is it a staring contest? Come on! [claps his hands over and over] Otto Meyer: Move! Move, will you kid? Come on!
10
Tyler Fitzgerald: You know what I need? I need a drink. There's some ice and stuff back there. Why don't you make us all some old fashioneds? Ding Bell: Old fashioneds, do you think you oughta drink while your flying? Tyler Fitzgerald: Well stop kidding will ya and make us some drinks! You just press the button back there marked "booze". It's the only way to fly!
11
Mrs. Marcus: [holding cactus plant] Where should I stick this? J. Russell Finch: [double take] Oh boy.
12
J. Russell Finch: Now I give you my word. I wanted to stop you, he wanted to stop for you. But tell him, tell him how my mother in-law made us drive right by you... Lennie Pike: Listen, anything you got to say about your mother in-law, you don't have to explain to me. You know what I mean? Like if she were the star of a real crummy horror movie, I'd believe it.
13
Mrs. Marcus: Now for the last time. Are we calling Sylvester or not? J. Russell Finch: No! We are not! And I'll tell you why not. Because your son Sylvester is an irresponsible, unreliable, big loudmouth no good bum! Who if he isn't a crook? Its because he doesn't have the brains or ambition even to become a crook! J. Algernon Hawthorne: I say good show!
14
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: [answering phone] : Hello, Ginger? What's the matter now? Ginger Culpeper: It's Billie Sue. Her new boyfriend, Oscar, was supposed to come down here from Pamona just to meet us. So now, she called him and told him we were goin' away. Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Well, what's the matter? Ginger Culpeper: You keep forgetting if a girl is six-feet-five inches tall, she's bound to have special problems. They had some argument and then, they started screaming at each other. And now, the whole engagement's off, and she says she's leaving. Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Leaving what? Leaving home? Let me talk to her. Get her to the phone. Ginger Culpeper: I'll try. Just a minute. [to Billie Sue] Ginger Culpeper: Talk to your father. Billie Sue Culpeper: I won't. I don't wanna talk to him ever! Ginger Culpeper: Don't be ridiculous. Whatever else he is, he is your father.
15
J. Russell Finch: Hey, did you see th-the way he went SAILING right out there?
16
Lennie Pike: So! So someone will stumble over the little girl's bicycle in the dark, huh? Well when I'm finished with you, they'll be stumbling over YOU in the dark!
17
J. Russell Finch: Lets stop arguing please! The only reason were together is because they only had one car. So lets get there, even if we are last. J. Algernon Hawthorne: Whatever the outcome of the day I shall never forget that you hit me when I wasn't even looking! J. Russell Finch: [smiling] yeah.
18
Otto Meyer: I can't cross here. You said the main road. This is Niagra Falls. Alright, you're a little boy. You wanna be a big boy? Which way to the main road?
19
Tower Controller at Rancho Conejo: In another couple of minutes, we'll have them in position, Colonel. Col. Wilberforce: In another couple of minutes, men, we'll have you in position. Tower Controller at Rancho Conejo: [Sarcastically] You're doing a great job, Colonel. Col. Wilberforce: Thank you. Radio tower operator at Rancho Conejo: Why don't we just shoot them down and be through with it?
20
[Benjy is trying to fly an airplane] Benjy Benjamin: Dingy, don't let this worry you. We're gonna get killed.
21
Man in car in desert: Trouble? Having any trouble? Mrs. Marcus: Yes, and we don't need any help from you! [Brief pause] Man in car in desert: Well!
22
Ding Bell: You see our grandmother lives in Rosita Beach, see, and she's dying and she kinda like to have us be with her when she goes. Benjy Benjamin: Otherwise she won't go. [Bell bumps him] Benjy Benjamin: Uh, she'll go!
Benjy Benjamin: If I have to climb much more of this I'll be lying down there with him!
25
Lennie Pike: And then they decide I'm supposed to get a smaller share, like I'm someone extra special stupid. Even if it is a democracy, in a democracy it don't matter how stupid you are, you still get an equal share.
26
Third Cab Driver: They're up to something funny, you hear what I'm telling you? Now, did you see the blonde I brought? All covered with paint and her dressed ripped. Now what was that all about? Second cab driver: Yeah. And what about the picks and shovels?
27
Mrs. Marcus: "No matter what you've all done today, you're really not criminals". Ha! Of all the snooty, patronizing... [to Pike] Mrs. Marcus: You're stepping on my foot! Sylvester Marcus: Would you get off Mama's foot?
28
Second cab driver: [they're chasing Capt. Culpeper] He's heading for the boarder. Let's stop and call the police station. Mrs. Marcus: You shut up! We're gonna get that money. Keep driving! Second cab driver: That woman is something else.
29
First cab driver: That'll be $2.90. Melville Crump: Okay, here's $3.00. Wait for us, okay? First cab driver: [sarcastically] Oh sure. Melville Crump: Wise guy.
30
Dinckler's Hardware Store clerk: I'm sorry, we're closed. It's 12:00. Melville Crump: It's 12:00, they're closed. WAIT A MINUTE! All we want is a pick and a shovel. Dinckler's Hardware Store clerk: Well, Mr. Dinckler is inside... Melville Crump: Dinckler. That's it, we'll get Dinckler, come on.
31
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Ginger, I want you to prepare yourself for a little shock. When I tell you what happened... Ginger Culpeper: So, tell me, tell me. I've got this biscuit dough... Capt. T.G. Culpeper: The Smiler Grogan case is solved! Ginger Culpeper: The WHAT? Now, what the hell is the Smiler Grogan case? Capt. T.G. Culpeper: The tuna factory robbery! The case I've been talking about for the last fifteen years!
32
Sylvester Marcus: That's my mommy. She's gone crazy or something. MAYBE RAPE! OH!
33
Otto Meyer: So, what's wrong with your wife? Miner: That's the trouble, the doc's not sure. He says whatever it is, she's too sick even to be moved. She needs this special stuff and we haven't got a phone so I went to get it and that's when... Slow down, the turning is just up here. Otto Meyer: Turning? You mean it's off the road? Miner: Only a mile. Otto Meyer: Now look, Pal, I'm in a hurry... Miner: HOLD IT! Stop the car. Now listen, buddy, I'm sorry about your problems. But the doc said to hurry and this is my wife. Now come on, we turn right here. Otto Meyer: But there isn't even a road... Miner: LISTEN! Don't force me to get rough! [Rips the steering wheel ring off] Miner: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bust up your car. Otto Meyer: That's alright. You say it's a mile? Heck, a mile ain't asking too much.
34
Lennie Pike: [Otto Meyer drives by] That's him, that's him. I tell you when I catch you, I'll kill you. I tell you I'll kill you, you dirty robber! J. Algernon Hawthorne: Someone you know?
35
Benjy Benjamin: [while Benji tries to fly the plane, Ding tries putting head phones on Benji's head] Hey, get outta here. Ding Bell: Put them on. Benjy Benjamin: I don't wanna. Ding Bell: Benji, I tell you, he said the man who's flying should be talking on this thing. Benjy Benjamin: What, am I supposed to everything? You want me to fly the airplane, you want me to work the radio, what are you gonna... What are you, the hostess?
36
Police sergeant: He just sits in there, rigid-like. Switchboard operator Gertie: If he catches you at that keyhole, *you'll* be rigid-like.
37
Ding Bell: Ah, this is hopeless. We're gonna get noplace if we're gonna continue listening to this old bag. Benjy Benjamin: What are you trying to do, lady? You trying to split us up so it becomes every man for himself? Ding Bell: And every woman for HIMself? Mrs. Marcus: One more funny remark from you, buster...
38
J. Algernon Hawthorne: [Russell takes a swing at him and misses] So it's fisticuffs you want, is it? Right, stick 'em up! J. Russell Finch: Don't hit me! Don't hit me! [Hawthorne chases him around the car, until the two bump into one another] J. Algernon Hawthorne: [looks at his arm] Blood! J. Russell Finch: It certainly is. J. Algernon Hawthorne: Aah! [Russell swings at him again] J. Russell Finch: [Hawthorne runs] Come back here, ya blimey...!
39
Policeman: You fellows alright? Ray: Now they show up. Where were you when we needed you? Irwin: Writing parking tickets, I suppose. Policeman: They're still alive.
40
J. Algernon Hawthorne: You know I'm not entirely uncertain you haven't damaged this machine.
41
Melville Crump: Look, why don't we just start digging for it? J. Russell Finch: Well suppose someone comes along? What do we tell them? Monica Crump: Well, we could tell them that we're here on an archeological expedition. Melville Crump: Aah! Sylvester Marcus: We don't tell them anything. We tell them to hit the road or we beat their brains in.
42
Tyler Fitzgerald: Uh... Just a minute. I... I can't see. Ding Bell: What? Tyler Fitzgerald: Something's happened to my eyes. I-I-I can't - I can't see. Ding Bell: You can't see? He can't see. Benjy Benjamin: Must be an eye cold. Tyler Fitzgerald: George! George!
43
J. Russell Finch: I don't know, I must find my wife. I don't know what to do. J. Algernon Hawthorne: Look, whereEVER they are, surely the most sensible thing for the two of us to do is to press on. I mean for all we know, your brother in-law may be out or away somewhere. And even if he were the first to be there, he still has to find the money, hasn't he? Now I earnestly recommend that we forget your good ladies and press on with all possible dispatch. J. Russell Finch: [mockingly] Alright, we'll press on with all possible dispatch. J. Algernon Hawthorne: And I don't really think that personal rancor is going to help the situation. If I may say so.
44
[Pike and Sylvester are digging into a hole that suddenly becomes too close] Sylvester Marcus: Wait a minute, wait a minute. There's not enough room, Man, you're bugging me. You're bugging me. Lennie Pike: What are you talking about 'bugging'? Sylvester Marcus: Cut out, cut out. Lennie Pike: What's this 'cut out' talk? Sylvester Marcus: Out, baby. Out, baby. Out! Lennie Pike: Don't call me a baby! All: Would you just get out? Get on with it!
45
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Jolly nasty accident there. Jolly lucky nobody was hurt. Mrs. Marcus: Where did you get that funny accent? Are you from Harvard or something? J. Algernon Hawthorne: Harvard? Rather not. I'm English. Mrs. Marcus: Sounds so foreign. J. Algernon Hawthorne: Really?
46
Migrant truck driver: [after barreling down a hill and stuff flies off the truck] I've said it before and I'll say it again, I didn't want to move to California.
47
Air traffic control tower staffer: If you can, give us your position. Who is flying the plane? Ding Bell: [Benji is at the controls] What do you mean "who's flying the plane"? Nobody's flying the plane!
48
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: You know what I believe I'd like? A chocolate fudge sundae with whipped cream and a cherry on top. [Everybody stares] Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Nothing will happen here for five minutes. Secretary Schwartz: Mrs. Culpeper on the phone. Capt. T.G. Culpeper: No calls. No calls. No more calls. Lt. Matthews: Something's wrong. Police sergeant: Why? Does something gotta be wrong? He feels like a chocolate fudge sundae. So what? He has a chocolate fudge sundae.
49
Sylvester Marcus: [Benji and Dingy run by] Who are they? Mrs. Marcus: I don't know. Sylvester Marcus: From this morning? Mrs. Marcus: Yes. Sylvester Marcus: [Captain Culpeper goes by] Who is he? Mrs. Marcus: I don't know. Sylvester Marcus: [Otto Meyer runs by] Who is he? Mrs. Marcus: I don't know. Sylvester Marcus: Mama, how many people are mixed up in this thing? [the two cab drivers run by] Sylvester Marcus: Who are they? Cabbies? Mama, this thing is like a convention.
50
Emmeline Finch: I'm only thinking of Russell's condition. Mrs. Marcus: You mean his financial condition, because that's the only condition that he has. J. Russell Finch: Yeah but... Mrs. Marcus: Emmeline, do you know why your husband had a nervous breakdown? It's because he has sunk $40,000, including $15,000 of my money into a company that makes seaweed for people to eat. J. Russell Finch: Yeah but... Mrs. Marcus: And not only does nobody like it, but it costs over $4.00 a can. J. Russell Finch: Yeah but... Mrs. Marcus: Yeah but WHAT? J. Russell Finch: Well, most people like it and I like it, and I'm working hard trying to keep the cost down. Mrs. Marcus: Yeah you were working hard trying to keep the cost down the day that you ran out of your office and stood in the street screaming. Emmeline Finch: Mother! Mrs. Marcus: Oh Emmeline, shut up! [Russell starts to speak] Mrs. Marcus: And you too!
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