Bartlett: I'm sure this may come as a shock. Frank: No, shitting a sailboat is a shock, this is a fucking catastrophe!
(1 vote)
2
Hotel Clerk: Most of these rooms have old men with young girls, this is Washington.
(1 vote)
3
Frank: Okay, Joe. Bare knuckles, toe to toe. We've spent 20 years eating your shit and saying, "Mmm, delicious! What a cook!" - no more!
(1 vote)
4
Daniel McTeague: You say one more word and I'll kick your ass so high that you'll have to take off your shirt to shit!
(1 vote)
5
Uncle Joe: I'm richer than shit.
(1 vote)
6
Daniel McTeague: I had no idea just how sick you guys were. Frank: Come spend a day with us. Daniel McTeague: I'd rather shove this club up my ass. Glen: I'll do it for you.
(1 vote)
7
[Daniel, angry and drunk, throws a bowling ball out a window] Robin: You could have killed someone! Daniel McTeague: The way I bowl?
8
[to Uncle Joe's British "nanny," Molly] Frank: I didn't like the Beatles and I don't like you!
9
Glen: We were all decent people before Uncle Joe sunk his hooks into us. Except for Frank. He was always a son of a bitch.
10
[opening the door to find Danny nude] Laura: Daniel McTeague? Daniel McTeague: No shit! That's my name too. Laura: No, I'm a private investigator. Daniel McTeague: Really? Can you help me find my pants?
11
Angry Husband: You made my life a living hell! Angry Wife: Kiss my ass! Angry Husband: That could take all night!
12
Frank: What's the matter with you? Are you retarded? Dennis: Not according to the tests.
13
Uncle Joe: So you're interested in money, huh? Joe: Made ten bucks just coming here. I get another twenty if i kiss you. I'm thinking about it.
14
Uncle Joe: You can go dance the hully gully for all I care!
15
Daniel McTeague: You keep your breasts off his eyebrows.
16
Frank: Oh, my God, I feel so horrible, I could cut out my tongue. Glen: Here's a knife.
17
Glen: She's going to get everything. That's the way these old guys are. Tough as nails, biggest son of a bitch in the world, she touches his shriveled-up little noodle, and his brains turn to frozen yogurt. She'll marry him, screw him six feet into the ground and then get everything!
18
Nora McTeague: Stop it! Don't you see what's happening here? Tina: Yeah, you're out of scotch. Frank: Oh, Tina, go lie down.
19
Robin: He seem nervous to you? Wayne: Couldn't pull a pin out of his ass with a tractor.
20
Daniel McTeague: Oh, great. Now I'm impotent. Robin: We just kissed for two seconds! Daniel McTeague: It never takes me this long, usually we're showering by now!
21
Uncle Joe: Where are my presents? I like presents, especially from people who love me. Joe: And who would that be?
22
Molly Richardson: Monday nights I go to this newsstand to get the new TV Guide for Joe. He likes to get it as early as possible so he can circle everything he wants to watch. Frank: Does he circle your ass?
23
Molly Richardson: You think I'm bonking the old gent, don't you? Frank: Yeah, we do. Molly Richardson: Let me tell you something, handsome. If I were having sex with your Uncle Joe, he'd be dead by now.
24
[to Frank] Molly Richardson: I'm no more a nurse than you are a human being.
25
Frank: Look at this. Her tongue is practically in his wallet.
26
Robin: Danny, I love you and I believe in you. But isn't everything you're telling me a big crock of bubbling shit?
27
Frank: I'm insane? For five years I begged you, "Let's put him in a home!" No, you didn't want to because you didn't have the balls! None of you have any balls!
28
Hotel Clerk: [pointing to his name tag, as he pulls an annoyed look] Excuse me - does this say 'Moron'?
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