Young Mark: So you're saying I should engage my advanced-for-a-twelve-year-old intellect and use logic? Imaginary William Shatner: Logic is the other guy's schtick, but yes.
2
Imaginary William Shatner: I'm not really here. I'm one of the top ten imaginary friends kids have. Just behind John Travolta, Reggie Jackson, and Farrah Fawcett-Majors.
3
Mark's Mom: Mark, Mark, what are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to go to that movie - that "Star Track" movie. Young Mark: Oh, Mom, how many times do I have to tell you? "Track" is what a train goes on, okay? "Trek" is what the Enterprise goes on, okay? Mark's Mom: Yeah, and they say the pain of childbirth ends with labor.
4
[Young Robert was in a fight with a larger kid while wearing a gold Starfleet uniform, when William Shatner appears to him] Imaginary William Shatner: I think I ought to tell you that that, uh, Aryan youth is gonna kick you into oblivion. Young Robert: But what about in "Arena" when Kirk fought the Gorn? That giant lizard monster was three times as big as him! Imaginary William Shatner: My boy, that was a TV show. I used a stunt double. I always use a stunt double. Except in love scenes. I insist on doing those myself. Young Robert: Well, what would you do to avoid a fight? Imaginary William Shatner: I wouldn't dress like a geek. Gold is not your color. Think earth tones.
5
[Shatner just asked Robert why he started the fight] Young Robert: Well... it was something he said. Imaginary William Shatner: What'd he say? Young Robert: You really don't want to know. Imaginary William Shatner: I really do want to know! Young Robert: He said that Han Solo was cooler than Captain Kirk. [pause] Imaginary William Shatner: Kick the little fucker's ass.
6
Claire: Where are you going? Robert: Looks like I'm going nowhere. Claire: Don't you fucking quote Star Wars at me!
7
Mark: Do you wish Rhett never loved Scarlett? Rick didn't have Ilsa or Harry never loved Sally? Someone once said it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Succeed or fail, we must make the attempt, it's our nature. Now if it were up to me, as it usually is, I would order this. But its not. Because Claire is right in pointing out the enormous danger potential in any relationship with a man as intelligent but fantastically flakey as Robert. But I must point out the possibilities, the potential, for true love and happiness are equally great. Risk... risk is our business. That's what relationships are all about. That's why we're out there.
8
Eric: Robert. Dude. Great party but... where are all your friends of color?
9
Tricia: Robert! Robert: Hello, Tricia. Tricia: Brian, this is Robert. Brian: Oh right. The Trekkie, right? Robert: Fuck you both.
10
Claire: When are you going to start living in the present instead of the 24th century? Robert: I would never live in the 24th century! I fucking HATE "The Next Generation". Only classic!
11
Robert: Joy unto you, peace and serenity, you are not of the body, would you calm the fuck down already?
12
Robert: [explaining why he's familiar with the Alvarez Hypothesis] The only reason I know that is because that's what almost happened in The Paradise Syndrome when Kirk lost his memory and became an Indian god.
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