Jonathan Harker: Are you saying that Count Dracula is our vampire? Van Helsing: Yes!... and no... Jonathan Harker: Then what are you saying? Van Helsing: I'm saying no. But I'm leeeeaning towards yes. Dr. Steward: Then you're saying yes. Van Helsing: No. Dr. Steward: Then you're saying no. Van Helsing: Not necessarily. Jonathan Harker: You sound dubious. Van Helsing: No -I'm positive! Jonathan Harker: Of what? Van Helsing: Of my theory! Jonathan Harker: And that would be? Van Helsing: The theory of Yes- or no.
(4 votes)
2
Jonathan Harker: She's alive? Van Helsing: She's Nosferatu. Jonathan Harker: She's Italian?
(2 votes)
3
Dr. Steward: Allow me to introduce Professor Abraham Van Helsing. He's a doctor of rare diseases as well as a man of theology and philosophy. Van Helsing: And gynecology. Dr. Steward: Oh, I didn't know you have your hand in that, too.
(2 votes)
4
Jonathan Harker: [having just been told to drive a stake into Lucy] Oh, this is horrid. Is there no other way? Van Helsing: Well, we could cut off her head, stuff her mouth with garlic, and tear off her ears. Jonathan Harker: Give me the stake. No. No, I can't... you do it. Van Helsing: It must be done by one who loved her in life. Jonathan Harker: I only liked her. Van Helsing: Close enough.
(2 votes)
5
[Dracula is hypnotizing a valet at the theatre where Doctor Seward is enjoying an opera] Dracula: You vill tell Doctor Seward there is a message for him in the lobby... and you will remember nothing of what I tell you. [the valet goes to open Seward's chambers and nods her head. She opens the curtain to Seward's chambers and stands there with her mouth open for a few moments, then closes the curtain] Usherette: [noticing Dracula standing there] Hello, can I help you sir? Dracula: [mimicking her] Can I help you sir? [normally] Dracula: What is the matter with you, why did you not tell him? Usherette: About what? Dracula: About the message! Usherette: For whom? Dracula: Never mind! I vill tell him myself. And for your miserable performance, you will receive no tip! Usherette: No tip? Dracula: Ah! That, you remember!
[still at the breakfast scene. A grasshopper jumps onto the patio. Renfield, intentionally, throws his fork] Renfield: Oh! Dropped my fork! [Renfield gets on all fours and scrambles under the table for the insect] Dr. Steward: Mr. Renfield, what are you doing down there? Renfield: Fork found! [comes back up] Renfield: Sorry for the delay. [the grasshopper's leg is sticking out of Renfield's mouth, and wiggling about. Renfield looks at Dr. Seward, confused] Dr. Steward: My God, man! You're eating insects right from the ground! Renfield: What makes you say that? Dr. Steward: I can see one trying to get out of your mouth! Renfield: Out of my mouth? Dr. Steward: Yes, out of your mouth! Your very own mouth and it's wiggling about! Renfield: Don't be ridiculous! Wiggling! Dr. Steward: I'm not ridiculous at all! It's wiggling all over the place! Poor thing is fighting for its life! [Renfield eyes the grasshopper's leg, and quickly scoops it up] Renfield: I don't know what you're talking about. If you insist on ranting like this, I'm going to leave! Dr. Steward: Me, ranting? You're the ranter! [Renfield spots a fly] Renfield: [to the fly] Hello, little darling! [grabs the air in attempt to catch the fly] Renfield: Don't be afraid! [laughs in a strange tone] Renfield: I won't hurt you! All I want is your life! [Renfield does a body slam across Dr. Seward's lap, and knocks everything off the table]
(2 votes)
8
[Renfield is having breakfast with Dr. Seward. He sees a bug on the table and eats it] Dr. Steward: I was just telling Ma... what was that? Renfield: Huh? Dr. Steward: You just grabbed something from the table. Renfield: I did not. Dr. Steward: Yes you did, I saw you, you put it in your mouth. I think it was an insect. Renfield: [thinks of an alibi] Oh, that was a raspberry. Dr. Steward: Raspberry? We're not serving raspberries. Renfield: Then it must have been a raisin. I guess it fell off the muffin. See? There's one missing. [the two men laugh. Renfield sees a spider coming towards him, and he quickly eats it up] Dr. Steward: How silly of me! It must have been my imagina... there, you did it again! Renfield: Huh? Dr. Steward: You just put a bug in your mouth. I think it was a spider! Renfield: I did not. Dr. Steward: Yes, you did. Renfield: I did not. Dr. Steward: Yes, you did. [this goes on for two and a half rounds] Dr. Steward: [shouts] I tell you I saw you snatch a spider right of the air and eat it! Renfield: A spider? [swallows the spider in his mouth] Renfield: How absurd!
(2 votes)
9
[Dracula is outside Mina's room] Dracula: [to the maid] Essie... Essie... Your eyelids are growing heavy You will sleep... sleep. [Essie nods off to sleep] Dracula: Mina... Mina, open your eyes! [she does] Dracula: Arise, Mina. [she does] Dracula: Walk to the door. [Mina opens a door, and goes inside] Dracula: Mina... you are in the closet. Open the door, and come out. [she does] Dracula: Now walk to the Terrace Door. Watch out for the foot... [too late! Mina trips over the footstool, and goes flying] Dracula: Stool. Stand up. [Essie and Mina both rise] Dracula: Not you. Sit! [Mina sits] Dracula: No, not you, *you* sit. [Essie sits] Dracula: *You* stand. [both stand] Dracula: No! Sit! [both sit] Dracula: No, you stand! [both stand] Dracula: You walk to the Terrace Door and you go back to sleep! *Watch out!* [Essie and Mina bump into one another and fall to the floor. Dracula throws his arms in frustration]
(2 votes)
10
Renfield: Yes MASTER!
(2 votes)
11
Renfield: [as the vampire women are seducing Renfield] "Wrong me! Wrong me! Wrong me!"
(2 votes)
12
"We should have put newspapers down."--Professor Van Helsing (Mel Brooks), after driving a stake through a vampire's heart and seeing the mess all the blood has made on the floor.
(2 votes)
13
Dracula: Renfield, you were having a nightmare. Renfield: A nightmare? But it was so real, so vivid. Two voluptuous women, heaving and grinding. How to describe it. [pause] Renfield: Have you ever been to Paris?
(2 votes)
14
Dracula: [waking up from a bad dream] Oh, it's night-time. I was having a daymare.
(2 votes)
15
[Jonathan had just impaled Lucy, and was hit by two rounds of blood] Jonathan Harker: Oh! This is - this is ghastly! Van Helsing: Yes, you're right. We should have put newspapers down!
(2 votes)
16
Dracula: [after rising from his coffin and hitting his head on a chandelier] I must move the coffin or the chandelier.
(2 votes)
17
[Johnathon drives a stake into Lucy's heart and is subsequently hit by many gallons of blood] Jonathan Harker: Oh... my... GOD! There's so much blood! Van Helsing: She just ate! Hit her again! Jonathan Harker: Oh no... i can't... Van Helsing: How much blood can she have left? Van Helsing: [Jonathan hits the stake again and is hit with even more blood than last time] Van Helsing: She's almost dead! Jonathan Harker: She's dead enough.
(2 votes)
18
Dr. Steward: Would an enema help?
(2 votes)
19
Lucy Westenra: I know you've always wanted me, and I've always wanted you. Finally we can be together. Jonathan Harker: But Lucy, I'm engaged to Mina... and you're dead. Lucy Westenra: I'm not dead. I'm undead. Jonathan Harker: Yes, well, I'm not unengaged.
(2 votes)
20
Jonathan Harker: [watching Mina's reflection in a mirror as she's dancing with Dracula, where it looks like she's dancing alone] She's doing quite well without him, isn't she?
(2 votes)
21
Van Helsing: Count Dracula. Hmm, curious. Are you descended from Vlad Tapish? The first Dracula? Dr. Steward: Tapish? Van Helsing: Ya. It means 'The Impaler.' He was a blood-thirsty butchah. He inflicted unspeakable tortures on the peasants: cutting off their hands and feet, gouging out their eyes and then impaling them on iron spikes! Dracula: They had it coming.
(2 votes)
22
Lover at Picnic: Would you care for some wine? Dracula: I never drink wine... oh, what the hell. Let me try it.
(2 votes)
23
Renfield: [upon seeing two voluptuous vampire women - one rubbing a table seductively, the other rubbing the bedpost seductively] My God! What are you doing to the furniture?
(2 votes)
24
[after becoming a vampire, Lucy comes on to Jonathan] Jonathan Harker: Please, Lucy! I'm British! [Lucy opens her cleavage a little] Lucy Westenra: So are these.
(2 votes)
25
Dracula: [his last line] Renfield, you asshole!
(2 votes)
26
Mina Murray: Oh it makes me so happy to be at the Opera! I love this palace of art and beauty! Jonathan Harker: Johnathan: Oh yes my dear, the Opera is astonishing! The music is frothed with love, hate, sensuality and unbridled passion!... All the things in my life I've managed to suppress so far.
(2 votes)
27
"Children of the night...What a mess they make!"--Count Dracula (Leslie Nielsen)
(2 votes)
28
"Yes! We have No-sferatu...we have No-sferatu today!"--Dr. Steward (Harvey Korman) when asked if he has the book NOSFERATU in his library
(2 votes)
29
[Dracula picks up Jonathan by the throat] Dracula: Arrogant mortal! You are in my world now and you will never leave this attic alive! I will destroy you, and then I will possess she whom you love the most. And there is not a single thing in the world you can do to stop me! [Dracula laughs. Jonathan pokes him in the eyes and Dracula drops Jonathan] Dracula: Ow!
(2 votes)
30
[a bat poops on the stairs] Dracula: Children of the night... What a mess they make.
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