Mitch: Note to self: Making love to blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.
(19 votes)
2
Mitch: You know there are two types of people in this world: Those who get stomped on and those who do the stomping. Kathy: Where did you hear that? Mitch: Oh, that famous guy said it. What was his name?... Jesus!
(17 votes)
3
Mitch: You know what prisoners do? In prison?
(15 votes)
4
[Sam & Mitch find out they're half-brothers] Mitch: Hey, remember in 4th grade when your sister was up on the monkey bars and I tried to sneak a peak at her underwear? I was really peaking at my own sister's underwear! Sam: Yeah! And remember in 12th grade when you had sex with her?
(15 votes)
5
Kathy: You guys are brothers? Mitch: Well, it's a long story... Sam: My dad boned his mom. Mitch: Okay, so it's a short story.
(15 votes)
6
Mitch: Note to self: remember to get ass wart cream for giant wart on my ass.
7
Sam: Well, Mitch, it looks like we got ourselves a fight! Mitch: All right, it's fightin' time! Can I be on their side?
8
Mitch: Note to self: learn to fight.
9
Mitch: Bet you didn't count on my loyal army of prostitutes!
10
Bearded Lady: Hey, baby. You ever had a chick with a beard before? Mitch: Can't say that I have there, bearded broad. Bearded Lady: Well, then, sugar, you haven't lived. Mitch: Note to self: I don't want to live.
11
Mitch: Are those prostitutes? I mean, who are those girls?
12
Mitch: You fellas have a lot of growing up to do, I'll tell you that. Ridiculous. Completely ridiculous. Can you believe these characters? Way out of line. Way out of line. Have a good mind to go to the warden about this. You know what hurts the most is the... the lack of respect. You know? That's what hurts the most. Except for the... Except for the other thing. That hurts the most. But the lack of respect hurts the second most.
13
Mitch: Sam, are you pissing off the side of the building? Sam: Sorta.
14
Mitch: Note to self, no matter how hard life gets, there is always beer!
15
Mitch: Okay, settle down now prostitutes. Now it's agreed that you all each get twenty dollars, and this requires no sex, no sex at all, regardless of what this character here tells you! [motions to Sam]
16
Mitch: Oh, my God! It's a picture of you and my mom! And you're having sex!
17
Mitch: I've never seen so many dead hookers in my life! Bystander: Lord knows I have.
18
Jimmy: And there's the Saigon whore that bit my nose off!
19
Mr. Hamilton: So there you are, tubby. Look like a bucket of lard on a bad day. You baby gorilla. Why don't you work in a zoo, and stop bothering people? Got a call yesterday from Baskin Robbins. They said that they're down to only five flavors. You're swelling up as I talk to you.
20
Mitch: We've got great news! Pops: Did you get me a whore? Sam: No, we got you a heart transplant. Pops: Oh well, that's good too.
21
Pops: I'm in whore heaven!
22
Dr. Farthing: I know there's nobody to blame for this but myself, well, I don't know, maybe the Buffalo Bills, the Boston Red Sox, Mr. T. or the Jets... Mitch: Wait a minute, Mr T.? Are you telling me that you bet on the fight in Rocky III, and that you bet against Rocky? Dr. Farthing: Hindsight is twenty-twenty, my friend.
23
Mitch: Well, at least I didn't get my nose bitten off by a Saigon whore!
24
Mitch: Well, things could always be worse. I could have had my nose bitten off by a Saigon whore! Jimmy: [slowly turns to face the camera and blows smoke from his cigarette, exposing his scarred nose] [shouts] Jimmy: You bastard!! Mitch: Just kidding. I saw ya there, Jimmy. Hey, barkeep? How about a beer for my buddy Jimmy? Jimmy: [laughs] Aw, okay.
25
Bum #1: It was so funny, I almost shit my pants. Bum #2: [Sniffs] Almost!
26
[from Mitch's brownie hallucination] Satan: We eat the pig and then together we burn! Burn! Gary Coleman: Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Satan? Satan: Come with me! You belong with me! Burn! Burn! BURN!
27
Sam: Hey, doc, what happened to your foot? Dr. Farthing: What I don't understand is... when you owe a bookie a lot of money, and he, say, blows off one of your toes, you still owe him the money. Doesn't seem fair to me. Especially when he's gonna kill me in four days anyway.
28
Mitch: Dr. Farthing, what happened to your arm? Dr. Farthing: Well, it was either from sleeping on it the wrong way or a booky throwing me out of a speeding car...
29
Pops: Back then we didn't have these fancy birth control methods. Like pulling out.
30
Dr. Farthing: For six hundred dollars I can sell you a perfectly good hospital bed. Sam: Are you crazy? I don't need a bed. Dr. Farthing: Playing hardball are you?
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