Elvis: It'd been two presidential elections since I'd had a boner like that.
(21 votes)
2
Elvis: You fuck off ya patronizin bitch! I'm sick'a yer shit! I'll lube my own crankshaft from now on. You treat me like a baby again I'll wrap this goddamn walker right around yer head!
(23 votes)
3
[last lines] Elvis: Thank you. Thank you very very much.
(22 votes)
4
Elvis: Don't make me use my stuff on ya, baby!
(19 votes)
5
Elvis: Ask not what your rest home can do for you. Ask what you can do for your rest home. JFK: Hey, you're copying my best lines! Elvis: Then let me paraphrase one of my own. Let's take care of business. JFK: Just what are you getting at, Elvis? Elvis: I think you know what I'm getting' at Mr. President. We're gonna kill us a mummy.
(18 votes)
6
Elvis: LBJ is dead JFK: Well, that ain't gonna stop him
7
[killing a scarab beetle] Elvis: Never, but never fuck with the king!
8
Elvis: Jack wait. Marilyn, how was she? JFK: That... is classified. Top Secret! But between you and me... Wow!
9
Elvis: Uh, Mr. President... You're on the floor. JFK: No shit?
10
[Elvis begins reading an incantation against an unconscious Bubba Ho-Tep from JFK's "Book of Souls"] Elvis: "You nasty thing from beyond the dead, no matter what you think or do, good things will never come to you. And if evil is your black design, you can bet the goodness of the Light Ones..." [begins to slow the recitation from disbelief] Elvis: "... will kick your bad behind"? [muttering to himself] Elvis: For chrissake! [to the heavens] Elvis: That's it? That's the chant against evil from the "Book of Souls"? Oh yeah, right, boss. And what kind of decoder ring comes with that, man? Shit, it don't even rhyme well! Bubba Ho-Tep: [regains consciousness, rises, and speaks in ancient Egyptian] Eat the dog dick of Anubis, you ass-wipe!
11
Elvis: [to Bubba Ho-Tep] Come and get it, you undead sack of shit.
12
Elvis: But what do I care? I got a growth on my pecker.
13
Elvis: I was dreamin'. Dreamin' my dick was out and I was checkin' to see if that infected bump on the head of it had filled with pus again. If it had, I was gonna name it after my ex-wife Priscilla and bust it by jackin' off. Or I'd like to think that's what I'd do. Dreams let you think like that. Truth was, I hadn't had a hard-on in years.
14
Elvis: That's it? I mean, we're investigating a scuttling in the hall, trying to figure out who attacked you last night, and you bring me here to look at stick pictures on the shit house wall, man?
15
Elvis: No offense, Jack, but President Kennedy was a white man. JFK: They dyed me this color! That's how clever they are!
16
JFK: He had me on the floor. I had his mouth over my asshole! Elvis: A shiteater? JFK: I don't think so. He was after my soul. Now you can get that out of any major orifice of a person's body. I read about it. Elvis: Oh, yeah? Where, man? Hustler?
[after Elvis tells the story of how he switched with Sebastian] The Nurse: Don't carry it too far. You may just get way out there and not come back. Elvis: Oh, fuck you! [Nurse and Callie laugh] Elvis: Shit! Get old, you can't even cuss someone and have it bother 'em. Everything you do is either worthless or sadly amusing.
19
Elvis: So I signed everything over to Sebastian. Except for enough money to sustain me if things got bad. I was determined to make myself a new life. A better one. But me and Sebastian, we had us a deal. If I wanted to trade back, he'd let me. It was all written up in the contract. Thing was, I lost my copy in a barbeque accident.
20
Elvis: What do I really have left in life but this place? It ain't much of a home, but it's all I got. Well, goddamnit. I'll be damned if I let some foreign, graffiti writin', soul suckin', son of a bitch in an oversized cowboy hat and boots take my friend's souls and shit 'em down the visitors toilet!
21
Elvis: It's time for A-C-T-I-O-N!
22
Elvis: [looking at himself in the mirror, thinking] How could I have gone from the king of rock'n'roll to this? An old guy in a restroom in East Texas with a *growth* on his pecker.
23
JFK: Would you like a ding-dong [Elvis looks towards JFK's crotch] JFK: Oh, I don't mean *mine*! I mean a chocolate ding-dong. [thoughtful] JFK: Of course mine *would* be chocolate now that I've been dyed.
24
JFK: I'm thinking with sand here!
25
Elvis: You got Ding Dongs, man? JFK: I've Ding Dongs, Paydays and a whole *box* of Baby Ruths. Elvis: Oh, mama. [JFK opens a dresser drawer filled with goodies] JFK: So, what'll be? Let's get decadent. Elvis: [Smiling] I'll have a Baby Ruth.
26
JFK: [showing Elvis his hidden stash of candy bars] Let's get decadent.
27
[in the washroom stall, looking at hieroglyphics on the wall] JFK: Now this top line translates into, "Pharoah gobbles donkey goobers," and the bottom line, "Cleopatra does the nasty." Elvis: Say what? JFK: Well pretty much, that's the best I can translate it.
28
Bubba Ho-Tep: [subtitled from the hieroglyphics] By the unwinking red eye of Ra!
29
Callie: It was nice meeting you, Mr. Presley. Elvis: Get the hell outta here.
30
Elvis: Now the two key words for tonight - "caution" and "flammable". JFK: Also "watch your ass".
31
Elvis: Shit, Bubba Ho-tep comes out of that creek bed, he's going to come out hungry and pissed. When I try to stop him he's going to shove this paint can up my ass and he's going to shove me and that wheelchair up Jack's ass.
32
Elvis: T.C.B., baby.
33
Elvis: The revealing of her panties wasn't intentional or unintentional. She just didn't give a damn. She saw me as so physically and sexually non-threatening, she didn't mind if I get a bird's eye view of her love nest. It was same to her as a house cat sneaking a peek.
34
Elvis: Where'd old Bubba Ho-Tep go?
35
Elvis: Look, man, do I look like an ichtyologist to you? Big damn bugs, all right? The size of my fist. The size of a peanut butter and banana sandwich.
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