Steve: Are you or are you not the Black Angel of Death?
(5 votes)
2
[phoning citizens in an attempt to secure votes] Mike: Hi there, this is Mike Donnelly. I work over here at the recreational center. To be honest with you I pretty much run the place ha, ha, ha. Is this ah Pat Gyles? Good, Good. Hey, hope everything's going great in your fine town of er Avery? Edward! Ha, ha, ha. Say, the reason I'm calling is I wanted to tell you a little bit about the candidacy of Al Donnelly. Al Donnelly's a guy with a dream. His dream is to become governor of this great state of Washington. Hell, every guy's got his dream, am I right? Between you, me and the wall here, I doozy myself last night. Ha ha, ha, ha. Get this: A corn-fed harvest mouse, a hooker, a nun, a Flemish peasant woman, whips, chains, whistles yo-yo's, a circus midget. My grandmother riding by on a bicycle give me the finger, and a duck! Now, I don't know ha, ha, ha. Are you crying? Oh my lord. I am sorry honey, please don't ! Could you get your daddy on the phone. No, don't hang up please I... [phone hangs up]
(3 votes)
3
Mike: And so he says, "Rectum? Damn near killed'em!"
(3 votes)
4
Mike: [on stage making a fool of himself] Voting kicks ass right! Cause, uh, if voting kicks ass, you got some kick ass shit!
(3 votes)
5
"Is there an Opie convention in town?" -- Steve Dodds (DAVID SPADE), after seeing a car filled with freckled redheads
(2 votes)
6
Mike: [on stage making a fool of himself] That's one small step for man! One giant... I have a dream!
(2 votes)
7
[Mike is pretending to be a cop, Steve is pretending to be a prisoner] Steve: Ro-ads. Ro-ods. Mike: Quiet back there! I've taken enough guff from you for one day! [turns to state trooper] Mike: Raving psycho! Butchered 400 chickens and screwed a beagle. I'm taking him back to Nevada where he's wanted for banging horses!
(2 votes)
8
Mike: [holding onto a small plant on a steep hill] Oh, thank you, little roots! Please stay strong!
(2 votes)
9
Drake: I could go over to your mama's, and light a small fire in her panties!
(2 votes)
10
"He's Roger Clinton, Billy Carter and Ronald Reagan's entire family rolled into one." -- Governor Tracy (CHRISTINE EBERSOLE), referring to Mike Donnelly (CHRIS FARLEY)
11
Steve: This is great I never win at checkers. Mike: Well, it's kinda easy to win when you NEVER MOVE YOUR BACK ROW!
12
Mike: I'm just dandy, I got a bowl of chocolate pudding in my underpants. Steve: We didn't have any chocolate pudding.
13
Motorcycle Cop: Tell me, officer, do you have any idea how fast you were going? Mike: Well, I got a 426 hemi here, 3/4 cams, nitro boosters, I can get 'er up to as good as 155! Never do, though, of course, unless I'm chasing a cute chick in a Ferrari! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I guess I was goin' about... 65, tops. State Trooper: SEVEN! SEVEN miles an hour! And normally, when I stop people, they pull onto the *shoulder*!
14
Drake: I'm not far from dragging you out of the car and beating you to dust. Steve: You should work up to that, kinda leaves you nowhere to go.
15
Old lady: Dream on, you little fart.
16
Steve: [on Drake Sabitch] This guy is like Leatherface, Chucky and Jan Brady all rolled into one.
17
Governor Tracy: Neushwender are you finished stirring that drink or is this some kind of fucking science experiment?
18
Mike: [dressed as security guard] Please move away from this vector and get into another coordinate pronto. There's no access for you in this quadrant. Teen: Man, why don't you goose-step on down to the women and children over there and give them your little power trip, because they may be impressed by it, asshole! Mike: Young man, I'm gonna twist off your head and spike it onto the floors of a nightmare you can't even imagine! I will dance with you inside the six-sided ring of fire, unless you move from this area, far and fast, NOW!
19
[the roof has blown off the house and it begins to hail all over Mike who is in the top bunk] Steve: Hey Mike, 'I got dibs on top' Ha ha. Mike: Shut up! Steve: Ha ha ha ha ha. Mike: Why don't you shut up? Steve: Heh heh, 'Hello Washington'. Ha ha ha. Mike: SHUT UP!
20
Mike: What the hell was that? Steve: A chunk in the road or something. Mike: I just chunked in my pants.
21
Governor Tracy: Now you'll have to tell me your name so I know who to make the check out to. Clyde: My best friends call me Cash.
22
Motorcycle Cop: Could you take him through here a little faster than seven miles per hour, Officer... Mike: Meoff, Jack. [turns to Steve and mouths "Jack Meoff"]
23
[Steve comes back sprayed with a fire extinguisher] Mike: Whoa, what happened to you? Did you fall into some mud or something? Steve: Yeah, I did. And now I'm gonna be famous because I'm the only one in the world who knows where you can find *white* mud.
24
Mike: We've all been screwed by Governor Tracy, and now, I'm going to screw her!
25
[seeing his brother acting like an idiot on stage] Al: Oh God, I'm a dead man.
26
[a bat flies out at them] Steve: What the heck is that? Mike: Ah! It's Ozzy Osborne!
27
Mike: Horse shit!
28
Mike: Boy, I could sure use some cupcakes or peanut butter cups right now.
29
Mike: [cheering on Rock the Vote Crowd] Yea! Kill whitey! [crowd goes silent] Rastafarian: No! No! No!
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