David Leary: I'm very sorry about this, sir, I can assure you it won't happen again. Will it Ben? Ben: Who can predict the future? David Leary: I can.
2
Ben: Dad when you said we could reinvent ourselves, I didn't know you meant as the Cleavers. David Leary: Well start unpacking, Beave. Ben: Pack this, Ward. David Leary: I heard that.
3
Roscoe "Fang" Bigger: You were my friend and you betrayed me! David Leary: You thought we were friends? You beat me up, you humiliated me, I'm 35 years old and I still have nightmares about the fourth grade! That's not what friends do for eachother, a friend is supposed to make you feel good about yourself! Roscoe "Fang" Bigger: Really? Then you're the best friend I ever had!
4
Roscoe Bigger: Chicken! David Leary: Pork roast!
5
Roscoe Bigger: Okay who did that? If I find out who did that, I'll... Stookie: You'll what? Roscoe Bigger: Um... Well we'll just see.
6
Young Fang: Hi Davy. Thought you were pretty funny this morning didn't ya? Young David: What are you talking about? Young Fang: The spelling bee. Mrs. Fitsimonds let you pick the words, and you picked USSR and everybody laughed when I got it wrong. Young David: I make the same mistake myself. Is it one S or two?
7
Art: I remember the first time I tried to kill Betty. David Leary: ...What? Art: Let me finish... David Leary: You tried to kill Betty? Art: Oh I see. I see, Mr. High-and-mighty. Hey, I didn't kill the shop teacher! Who killed the shop teacher? YOU killed the shop teacher! You killed 'em!
8
Art: Hello. I'm Art. Betty: And I'm Betty. Art: And I'm Art. Ben: Which one's Betty again? Betty: Me.
9
Fang: Drink your juice yet? David: No, why? Fang: 'Peed in it.
10
David Leary: You're alive! Roscoe Bigger: You're dead!
11
Kirby: Dad are we really going to New York City? Roscoe Bigger: That's why they call them mobile homes, son, 'cause they're mobile.
12
Roscoe Bigger: And when those junior psychos asked me what I was in there for, I had to tell them I was there because I STOLE A FREAKIN' ROCK!
13
[Viewing a small moon rock] David: [sarcastically] That's it? Nice rock. Guard: Move it, smartass!
14
Alan: My dad knows a guy who knows a guy who works for NASA and he says if stare directly at the moon rock, you'll go blind. Jerry: Aw bullshit.
15
Roscoe Bigger: One time we were making key chains and I accidentally cut off my thumb. David Leary: Holy shit. Roscoe Bigger: Yeah, so I went to the hospital but there was a line so I drove over to the hardware store, got some needle and thread, and sewed it back on. David Leary: You sewed on your own thumb? Roscoe Bigger: Yeah I'm good at stuff like that.
16
[Concerning the cafeteria food] David Leary: What is this? Clark: Hot Dish. David Leary: What's Hot Dish? Clark: Well, last week we had lasagna, then it become spaghetti and when it's finally unrecognizable, they call it Hot Dish.
17
Art: Morning, neighbor. David Leary: Morning, Art. Art: I bet you're wondering, Why in the Sam Hill am I chopping wood at this hour? David Leary: Not really. Art: You know who Sam Hill was? David Leary: No, I don't. Art: Well, he wasn't anyone. It's a euphemism. Cockney expression for what the hell. [shouts] Art: What the hell! What the hell! Then it turned into, "What the Sam Hill?" David Leary: I'll see you later, Art. You'll be here later, right? Art: [shouts] What the hell!
18
Kirby: Holy cow! Ben: Holy shit!
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