Other Titles • The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005) • Untitled Steve Carell Project • The 40 Year-Old Virgin • The 40-Year-Old Virgin
Quotes from The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005)
1
Jay: Nastiest shit you've ever done? I'm talkin' about *nasty*! Andy Stitzer: Ahhhhhhhh... wow. Soooo many stories are running through my head right now. [pause] Andy Stitzer: I dated this girl for a while... she was really a... nasty freak. She just loved to... get down with... sex all the time. It was like... anytime of day... she was like, "Yeah, let's go! I'm so nasty!" And I'd be nailing her and she'd be like, "Oh, you're nailing me! cool!"
(184 votes)
2
Cal: [David and Cal Playing a video Game] You're *gay* now? David: No, I'm not gay I'm just celibate. Cal: I think? I mean, that sounds ga- I just want you to know this is like the first conversation of like three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like... there's this and then in a year it's like, "Oh you know, I kinda wanna, ya know, get back out there but I think I like guys" and then there's the big, "Oh I'm I'm a g-gay guy now". David: You're gay for saying that. Cal: I'm gay for saying that? David: You know how I know you're gay? Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay? David: Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts. Cal: You know how I know *you're* gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women any more. David: You know how I know that you're gay? Cal: How? Cuz you're gay? and you can tell who other gay people are. David: You know how I know you're gay? Cal: How? David: You like Coldplay.
(172 votes)
3
Beth: [Andy is staring at her] Can I help you? Andy Stitzer: Do I need help? Beth: Ummm... is there something you are looking for? Andy Stitzer: Is there something I should be looking for? Beth: We have an extensive do-it-yourself section. Andy Stitzer: Do you like to... do it yourself?
(162 votes)
4
Boy at Health Clinic: Hey, do you have any extra large condoms? Dad at Health Clinic: Oh, Seth, please! You have a tiny penis...
(151 votes)
5
Paula: [propositioning Andy to be her 'friend with benefits'] I'm very discreet... but I will haunt your dreams.
(146 votes)
6
[Pick-up line] Andy Stitzer: I hope you have a big trunk... because I'm puttin' my bike in it.
(12 votes)
7
Cal: Oh, man, I had a weekend. Andy Stitzer: Yeah? Cal: We went to Tijuana, Mexico, you know? And we thought it would be fun, you know, to go to a show. Everybody says you gotta check out one of these shows. And... it's a woman fuckin' a horse. We get there and we think it's gonna be awesome and... it is not as cool as it sounds like it's gonna be. It's kinda gross. Andy Stitzer: Yeah. Cal: You think "A woman fuckin' a horse" and you get there and... it's a woman fucking a horse. Andy Stitzer: Yeah. Cal: It was really giving it to her. And you know what? To be honest I just felt bad for her, we all just felt bad for her. Andy Stitzer: Yeah. Cal: I kinda felt bad for the horse! Andy Stitzer: Wow, that's something.
(10 votes)
8
David: You know how I know you're gay? You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I like it when balls are in my face." Cal: That's gay?
(8 votes)
9
Andy Stitzer: How many pots have you smoken?
(7 votes)
10
Mooj: [to Jay] Tell me something, when your child is born, is he already on parole?
(8 votes)
11
Boy at Health Clinic: You're a virgin? Marla: Yeah. Boy at Health Clinic: [smug grin] I'd tap that. Dad at Health Clinic: Listen to yourself, Seth, "I'd tap that." You think you're so cool with your little "Jew 'fro".
(7 votes)
12
Andy Stitzer: [painting his toy figure] I'm gonna make your silver pants blue!
(6 votes)
13
Mooj: Go fuck a goat.
(6 votes)
14
Cal: She's a grandma? Man. I wish my grandma looked like that. My grandma looks like Jack Palance. If Jack Palance looked like her I'd wanna fuck Jack Palance.
(6 votes)
15
David: You know how I know that you're gay? Cal: How? David: You like the movie "Maid in Manhattan". Cal: You know how I know *you're* gay? David: How? Cal: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sour dough bread once. David: You know how I know that you're gay? Cal: How? David: You have a rainbow bumpersticker on your car that says "I love it when *balls* are in my face". Cal: That's *gay*? David: [David loses second match] Goddamnit! Cal: I'm ripping your head off right now. It's off, and *now* I'm throwing it at your body. [shouts] Cal: Fuck you! David: Aww.
(4 votes)
16
Haziz: [Jay is fighting with a black customer] Tonight's forecast: Dark and Cloudy. With a slight chance of drive-by.
(4 votes)
17
Jay: Dude, it's not a big deal that you like to fuck guys. I'm cool, I got friends who fuck guys... in jail.
(4 votes)
18
Andy Stitzer: That billboard had two sides, and both of them hurt equally.
(4 votes)
19
Andy Stitzer: Is this shirt too yellow? Cal: No. [pause] Cal: Tell me, what's Curious George like in real life?
(4 votes)
20
Haziz: Do you know how I know you're gay? Because you are holding each other ever so gently.
(3 votes)
21
Cal: I touched a guy's balls once in Hebrew School.
(4 votes)
22
David: [David talking about his ex girlfriend] Yeah... she's adorable... fuckin' bitch.
(3 votes)
23
Jay: From now on, your dick is my dick. I'm gonna get you laid.
(3 votes)
24
Andy Stitzer: Keep your bitch on a leash.
(3 votes)
25
Andy Stitzer: I'm a virgin. I always have been.
(3 votes)
26
[having his belly hair waxed] Andy Stitzer: [yells] Yooooooooow, Kelly Clarkson!
(3 votes)
27
David: Know how I knew you were gay? You like Coldplay.
(3 votes)
28
Cal: [talking about Trish being a grandma] You should fuck her and then have her send you $12 on your birthday.
(3 votes)
29
Cal: [looking at Andy's action figures] Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's boss?
(2 votes)
30
David: Dude, you look like a man-o-lantern.
(2 votes)
31
Andy Stitzer: [after his co-workers figure out that he's a virgin, he tries to deny it] You guys... are up... your... asses.
(2 votes)
32
Boy at Health Clinic: Wait, so you're a virgin? I'd tap that. Dad at Health Clinic: Oh, yeah, you'd 'tap that.' What, Seth, you think you're cool with your little Jew Fro? We don't say 'tap that.' What are you talking about, Seth? Andy Stitzer: You know what? I'm a virgin too. Dad at Health Clinic: We're virgins too. [laughing] Boy at Health Clinic: Yeah. [high five's dad] Andy Stitzer: No, you know what? It's a personal choice and I don't think it's weird at all. Dad at Health Clinic: You know what you're problem is? You're putting the pussy on a pedestal.
(1 vote)
33
Andy Stitzer: [from Tarilor] This is not a good look for me! [after having belly waxed]
(2 votes)
34
Jay: He sold his old toys for over half a million dollars! We gotta get some toys!
(1 vote)
35
Jay: You're puttin' the pussy on a pedestal [to Andy]
(1 vote)
36
Haziz: How come we never get invited to parties? What are we, fucking Al Qaeda?
(1 vote)
37
David: You know how I know you're gay? Cal: Because you're gay so you can tell who the gay people are.
(1 vote)
38
Andy Stitzer: [after having wax ripped the hair from his nipple] Nipplefucker!
(1 vote)
39
David: [Andy shirtless on body wax table] I love your sweater. Does it come in a V-neck?
(1 vote)
40
Andy Stitzer: [while getting his chest waxed] Ooh! Como se llama!
(2 votes)
41
Andy Stitzer: Really? All your girlfriends wanted to have sex with virgins too? That's funny... I didn't even know you g-girls talked like that. I think my first time might be your best time too. Well I knew it, you know what? I knew that you'd react that way and I knew that you would want to lead me through my first sexual encounter will all the compassion and care that someone would give to their soulmate.
42
[the waxing lady is putting the first coat of wax on Andy's chest] Cal: If she starts waxing his pubes, I'm outta here.
43
Cal: [to Andy about telling Trish he's a virgin] Yeah, you should definitely tell her, because I saw this movie called "Liar Liar" and the message was, "*Don't* lie." [pause] Cal: And that was a smart movie.
44
Cal: [about Andy wanting to tell Trish he's a virgin] Here, tell me, this is how it's gonna go. Andy Stitzer: I'm a virgin. Cal: Cool! I like that, because I know you don't have... chlamydia. I *know* that. I mean that shit is everywhere...
45
Cal: [regarding Andy's girlfriend as a grandmother] You can fuck her while watching "Murder, She Wrote". She'll like that
46
Cal: Before I knew, I thought you were a serial killer. Andy Stitzer: Oh. [chuckles] Cal: No, I'm serious.
47
David: Andy, for the last time, I don't want your big box of porn!
48
Trish: I'm throwing myself at you and all you can think about are fucking toys. Andy Stitzer: They're not fucking toys! This is Ironman, okay?
49
Andy Stitzer: Well, if you loved her so much, why did you cheat on her? Jay: [sobbing violently] Because! Duh! I'm insecure! Can't you tell?
50
Jay: [after seeing someone get slaughtered in a movie on the widescreen TV displays] Woah! Fuck that nigga up!
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