"Well folks, what can I tell you about my next guest? This cat allowed himself to be adored but not loved. And his success in show business was matched by failure in his personal relationships... that's where he really bombed. And he came to believe that work, love, his whole life, even himself and all that jazz, was bullshit. He became the numero uno game player, to the point where the games ended and the reality began. Like, for this cat, the only reality is death..." (O'Connor Flood, the ultimate variety show host, introducing the final appearance of Joe Gideon)
(20 votes)
2
"['All That Jazz'] doesn't have a chance. It's going to be mostly 'Kramer vs. Kramer'. I'm such a long shot I think anyone who bets on me should get a toaster, like they give out in banks, for having made the investment." -- Director Bob Fosse on his film's chances at the 1979 Academy Awards
(20 votes)
3
Joe Gideon: To be on the wire is life. The rest is waiting.
(20 votes)
4
Joe Gideon: It's show time, folks.
(20 votes)
5
Angelique: Do you believe in love? Joe Gideon: I believe in saying, "I love you."
(20 votes)
6
Joe Gideon: Katy, I try to give you everything I can give. Kate Jagger: Oh, you give all right - presents, clothes. I just wish you weren't so generous with your cock.
7
Victoria: Well, you're right. I'm terrible. I know I'm terrible. I look at the mirror and I'm ashamed. Maybe I should quit. I just can't seem to do anything right. Joe Gideon: Listen. I can't make you a great dancer. I don't even know if I can make you a good dancer. But, if you keep trying and don't quit, I know I can make you a better dancer. I'd like very much to do that. Stay? Victoria: Are you going to keep yelling at me? Joe Gideon: Probably.
8
Audrey Paris: Quick. Tell me. What was the name of the girl in Philadelphia, the blonde with the television show? Joe Gideon: Ah, the blonde with the television show. The blonde with the television show in Philadelphia? I remember that girl's name. I remember that girl's name because that girl meant something to me. The blonde with the television show - her name was Sweetheart! Honey? Baby? Can't remember her name. Audrey Paris: Dorothy. Dorothy. Joe Gideon: Who cares? Can't remember her name.
9
Joe Gideon: No, nothing I ever do is good enough. Not beautiful enough, it's not funny enough, it's not deep enough, it's not anything enough. Now, when I see a rose, that's perfect. I mean, that's perfect. I want to look up to God and say, "How the hell did you do that? And why the hell can't I do that?" Angelique: Now that's probably one of your better con lines. Joe Gideon: Yeah, it is. But that doesn't mean I don't mean it.
10
Audrey Paris: You see, Sammy, in California everybody needs a car. I got a friend who bought a Mercedes just to get to the bathroom.
11
Joe Gideon: A great entertainer... O'Connor Flood: A great entertainer! Joe Gideon: A great Humanitarian... O'Connor Flood: A great Humanitarian Joe Gideon: And my freind of 25 years... O'Connor Flood: And my freind of 17 years! Joe Gideon: Oh boy, do I hate show business! Kate Jagger: Joe, you love show business. Joe Gideon: Oh that's right. I love show business. I'll go either way.
12
Joe Gideon: Sometimes I don't know where the bullshit ends and the truth begins.
13
Joe Gideon: If I die, I'm sorry for all the bad things I did to you. And if I live, I'm sorry for all the bad things I'm gonna do to you.
14
O'Connor Flood: Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you a so-so entertainer, not much of a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend. In his final appearance on the great stage of life - uh, you can applaud if you want to - Mr. Joe Gideon!
15
Joe Gideon: I always look for the worst in other people. Angelique: A little of yourself in them? Joe Gideon: A little of myself. And generally, I find it.
16
Joe Gideon: Don't bullshit a bullshitter
17
Davis Newman: This chick, man, without the sole benefit of dying herself, has broken down the process of dying into five stages: anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Sounds like a Jewish law firm. 'Good morning, Angerdenialbargainingdepressionacceptance!'.
18
Joe Gideon: I wonder if Stanley Kubrick ever gets depressed?
19
Dancer Backstage: Fuck him! He never picks me! Dancer Backstage: Honey, I *did* fuck him and he never picks me either.
20
Davis Newman: You know what death with dignity is, man? You don't drool.
21
[Katie just finished setting up a dinner date, probably to make Joe jealous] Joe Gideon: Who was that? Kate Jagger: Michael Graham Joe Gideon: Who is Michael Graham? Kate Jagger: A dancer in my ballet class. Joe Gideon: Straight or gay? Kate Jagger: What do you mean? Joe Gideon: I mean, is he looking to get laid or is he looking for Mr. Right? Kate Jagger: He's straight. Joe Gideon [frowning]: And tall... [turns to leave] Joe Gideon [frowning]: Michael Graham is a very tall name... [leaves room slowly but comes running back] Joe Gideon [frowning]: hohoho... how dare you use my phone! My phone! To call someone who is not gay! Kate Jagger [laughing] Joe Gideon [frowning]: I see! You can go out with any girl. Any girl... Joe Gideon [pointing] Joe Gideon [frowning]: That's right! I go out with any girl... I stay in with you.
22
Angelique: That's very theatrical, Joe.
23
Joe Gideon: [Joe is dying] Hey, at least I won't have to lie to you any more.
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