Warren Schmidt: You can't marry him. I mean... Look at these people!
(18 votes)
2
Larry Hertzel: All I was doing was welcoming somebody into the family. Roberta Hertzel: Larry, we've been welcomed by you, thank you so much, now would you please just drink your fucking milk and shut the fuck up.
(17 votes)
3
[repeated line] Warren Schmidt: Dear Ndugu...
(16 votes)
4
Warren Schmidt: You're making a big mistake, don't marry this guy, don't do it. Jeannie Schmidt: What are you talking about? Warren Schmidt: The other night I had a dream and it was very real. Your mother was there and you were there and your aunt Estelle. And there was a... well, it wasn't really a spaceship, it was more like a blimp or an orb of some kind. And then a bunch of weird creatures came out and started trying to take you away, and you wanna know what? They all looked like Randall. Do you understand? And I was jumping up and down to save you.
(18 votes)
5
Roberta Hertzel: You already know how famously they get along as friends, but did you know that their sex life is positively white hot? The main reason both of my marriages failed was sexual. I'm an extremely sexual person, I can't help it, it just how I'm wired, you know, even when I was a little girl. I had my first orgasm when I was 6 in ballet class. Anyway, the point is that I have been always very easily aroused and very orgasmic, Jeannie and I have a lot in common that way. Clifford and Larry, they were nice guys, but they just could not keep up with me. Anyway, I don't want to betray Jeannie's confidence, but let me just assure you that whatever problems those two kids may run into along the way, they will always be able to count on what happens between the sheets to keep them together. More soup? Warren Schmidt: Eh... no, I think I'm fine now.
(15 votes)
6
Roberta Hertzel: People used to think it was strange 'cause I breast-fed him 'til he was almost five, but I say - hunh, just look at the results!
7
Jeannie Schmidt: All of a sudden you're taking an interest in what I do? You have an opinion about my life *now*? Okay, you listen to me. I am getting married the day after tomorrow and you are going to come to my wedding and you are going to sit there and enjoy it and support me or else you can just turn right around right now and go back to Omaha.
8
Warren Schmidt: You're not gonna believe this. We had a tire swing over there.
9
[Warren is on top of the motor home under a starry night] Warren Schmidt: Helen, what did you really think of me, deep in your heart? Was I really the man you wanted to be with? Was I? Or were you disappointed and too nice to show it? I forgive you for Ray. I forgive you. That was a long time ago, and I know I wasn't always the king of kings. I let you down. I'm sorry, Helen. Can you forgive me? Can you forgive me? [a shooting star passes by]
10
Warren Schmidt: Well Ndugu, I'll close now. You probably can't wait to run and cash this check and get yourself something to eat.
11
Warren Schmidt: I know we're all pretty small in the big scheme of things, and I suppose the most you can hope for is to make some kind of difference, but what kind of difference have I made? What in the world is better because of me?
12
Warren Schmidt: I'd like a blizzard with vanilla ice cream. Dairy Queen Employee: Ok. What would you like on it? Warren Schmidt: Uhh... I'll have the Reese's Pieces... and some cookie dough. Dairy Queen Employee: And what size? Warren Schmidt: ...medium.
13
Warren Schmidt: Relatively soon, I will die. Maybe in 20 years, maybe tomorrow, it doesn't matter. Once I am dead and everyone who knew me dies too, it will be as though I never existed. What difference has my life made to anyone. None that I can think of. None at all.
14
Helen Schmidt: [her last words to Warren Schmidt] Don't dilly-dally.
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